The Savior assured His disciples, “where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20). As our meetings evolve and, in many cases, become virtual, it is increasingly important that we remember the why and the how of leadership. How can our meetings be administered in order to not only plan and discuss, but also to instruct and edify?
DeAnna Murphy answers this question in her latest interview with Kurt Francom at Leading Saints. Murphy, who hails from Minnesota, has extensive leadership experience, including 25 years in organizational development, executive coaching, and leadership development training with a focus on interdependent leadership. But Murphy says her best leadership training has come from being a mother to three children. A variety of unique challenges within her family have sharpened her skills and discernment as a leader — her first son was mauled by a bear, her daughter is disabled, and another son acquired traumatic back and brain injuries while snowboarding. These difficulties have added immense depth to Murphy’s perception of people and who they are on the inside. This understanding and celebration of differences is the very heart of becoming “one” in our leadership and meetings (John 17:11).
Where to Begin
Murphy lays out some important steps for reaching unity and understanding. Leaders need to begin by identifying the purpose of their meetings. From there, they can design a functional relationship in which participants feel comfortable with opening up to one another. Finally, throughout the course of a meeting, leaders ask thoughtful questions in order to promote confident vulnerability and reach understanding.
Identify the Why
If participants in a meeting are not aware of its purpose, the meeting may as well have no purpose. Murphy instructs us to start by asking “Why?” Why are we holding sacrament meeting, Sunday school, or a presidency meeting?
Murphy practices pinpointing purpose while teaching Sunday School to 13- and 14-year-olds. In her class, she explains that she is not the teacher — the Savior is, and she instructs her students to listen for His voice. She teaches that learning from Him will prepare teens to influence people for good beyond the walls of the church classroom. That is the why of Sunday school.
Design the Relationship
Another important step to leadership in meetings and organizations is having an overt conversation about how exactly participants will work together. Doing so promotes comfort and a lack of judgment.
Ask Good Questions
Murphy says that once purpose and relationship have been defined, we can move on from the question of why and focus on the questions of what, how, and when. These kinds of questions are especially useful for inviting participants in a meeting to open up and share their insights and perspectives. Potential thought-provoking questions might look something like the following:
- How do we act now?
- What are you noticing?
- What are you learning?
- What is most important about this topic?
- When have you seen success within our organization?
- What does “compassionate service” mean? What does “ministering” mean?
Questions aren’t only valuable for inviting insights from others. They can also be used to clear up confusion. Too many individuals are fearful or prideful when it comes to admitting that they are lost during a meeting. Murphy emphasizes that the disorientation you experience could actually be the spiritual gift of discernment indicating that others are perplexed as well. Uncertainty can be acknowledged gently: “I’m noticing that I’m confused when you say this. Can you explain what you mean?”
Valuing Various Viewpoints
Murphy explains that, in general, the purpose of a meeting is to unify members and multiply the resources that they have to offer. The Lord admonishes us in Doctrine and Covenants 43:8-9, “And now, behold, I give unto you a commandment, that when ye are assembled together ye shall instruct and edify each other, that ye may know how to act and direct my church, how to act upon the points of my law and commandments, which I have given.” Instruct in this instance doesn’t mean that leaders simply give directives on what to do. It means that all members hold a piece of revelation with which they can instruct others.
Your Piece in the Puzzle
Valuing the viewpoints of others begins with appreciating your own insights and ideas. Within our separate organizations, we are all like pieces of a greater puzzle. Murphy speaks of how important it is for us to discover what unique piece of the puzzle we have to offer. Elder Neil L. Anderson uses a similar analogy, explaining that when we hold back our pieces, we actually inhibit others from putting in their pieces because we leave gaps in the puzzle that make it difficult for others to discern where they belong.
How can you discover your individual gifts and perspectives — your piece in the puzzle? Murphy offers two suggestions of where to begin:
- Ask yourself the question, “When was a time that I have made a difference?” You can aim this question at any stage of your life — your childhood, career, etc. Consider what you did to have a positive impact. As you recall your experiences, you will find a pattern. You will recognize the strengths that you have offered to the world. When Murphy performed this exercise, she noticed that she began coaching as a child, when she instructed her brothers on how to support their bipolar mother. This discovery encouraged her to pursue professional coaching as an adult.
- Look to outside stories to uncover your strengths. Ask friends and family, read personal journals, take personality assessments, and ponder your patriarchal blessing. Write down what you find.
Once you better understand your unique abilities, the pressure to be something that you aren’t is removed. You are enabled to use your talents to uplift others in your organization. And in order to help those we are called to serve in a unified and powerful way, we must first strengthen one another.
The Divine in Diversity
Once you have gained confidence in your own piece of the puzzle, recognize that you don’t see it all and that others see things that you don’t see. An analogy that Murphy frequently uses is that of two people standing back to back. If they both stretch out their arms, they will find that they can’t see past either arm in their peripheral vision. However, the two people together get a full 360º view.
This metaphor for the importance of diverse perspectives is especially helpful when understanding how people come together from different angles to solve a problem. Some individuals resolve issues by first focusing on people and how they will be impacted. Others hone in on efficiency. Some will dig deep for the initial cause of the problem, certain that a fix lies in uprooting the problem’s source. And still others are inclined to concentrate on the allocation of resources in generating a solution. None of these approaches is wrong — each is valuable in its uniqueness. With such a wide array of insights, leaders can band together to compile a beautiful mosaic of revelation.
Valuing and validating the insights of others edifies and enlarges our own individual understandings. Hearts are “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21).
All leaders face new, unprecedented circumstances for which they may have little to no training. But when you try to understand the hearts of those you serve, “the Holy Ghost … will show unto you all things what ye should do” (2 Nephi 32:5).
Psychological Safety
The key to achieving the acceptance of all puzzle pieces is what Murphy calls psychological safety. Murphy mentions that she did not, in fact, coin this term. It comes from a recent study in which Google researched cohesive teams. The number one indicator of effective collaboration was psychological safety — a foundation of trust and open communication.
Murphy explains that psychological safety is most easily achieved when team members abandon their fears and choose grace. Mercy begins with you and yourself. If you cannot forgive yourself for your own shortcomings, it will be difficult to see past the flaws of others. When you are self-conscious and scared, you tend to project those negative feelings onto those around you. Recognize that Heavenly father has given you and others weaknesses on purpose. “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble … And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong” (Ether 12:27, 37).
The law of sacrifice requires that we put away not only our time, talents, and money, but also our judgments, fears, and false thoughts. We must recognize that fear is contrary to the Savior’s mission. Christ never uses fear to motivate us. In fact, fearful thoughts often come from the father of lies. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).
In order to fully consecrate ourselves, we must bury our weapons of war — those that we create and use against ourselves and others. Fear is one of these weapons.
We put our fears on the altar of the Lord through change — through repentance. The Bible Dictionary says that repentance “denotes a change of mind: a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.” Murphy shifts away from her own negative thoughts by asking herself a list of questions that the Spirit spoke to her when she was 23 years old. She learned to sacrifice her anxious feelings of responsibility for the disability of her newborn daughter. These questions are a tool that Murphy uses in coaching to this day:
- What is the story that you are telling yourself? Murphy realized that she was telling herself a story — a story that was not necessarily true. Every day she believed the lie that she was the one causing her daughter’s disability.
- If you keep telling yourself this story, where will it lead you? Once she recognized her false story, Murphy admitted to herself that she knew this lie would lead her to depression and suicidal thoughts.
- What would it look like if you were to write a new ending to this story? Feeling guilt for her daughter’s disability was damaging to not only Murphy, but potentially everyone else in her life as well. The Spirit invited her to consider alternative stories: What if your daughter’s disability is in fact a gift? What if it wasn’t an accident? What if I intend to bring you more joy than you’ve ever experienced in your life?
- What is one step you can take to move toward that new ending? Murphy decided that she could escape her false perceptions by taking a simple step: every day she would notice one thing to appreciate about her daughter. This helped her look through a lens of gratitude rather than deficit. Her views of herself, her daughter, and the Lord began to change.
These steps helped Murphy escape detrimental self-criticism and ultimately kickstart her career in coaching and leadership development. Questioning the fear-filled lies that we hold helps us look past imperfections to see potential and worth in ourselves and others. We recognize that ours and others’ value is innate and eternal — and unrelated to performance. When we lift ourselves out of fear, we go from me to we.
Finishing Thoughts
Murphy finished simply by reminding us of the importance of patience and tolerance in leadership. Be open to the learning process that your leaders are going through. When you are curious and understanding, you will overcome judgmental thoughts and see God in others and yourself.
She also asserts that a great meeting doesn’t start when the meeting begins. It is initiated in our preparation — scripture study, prayer, and listening for the voice of the Spirit.
And Murphy’s final encouragement was this: God has prepared you for the exact mission that you are on. Turn to the Savior and others for help, and everything you need to fulfill that mission will emerge.
In Summary:
- Unity is achieved when everyone understands the purpose of a meeting.
- Constantly validate the viewpoints of others.
- Come to meetings with the intent to love.
- Repentance is a fresh view of yourself and others.
- Reject the lies that inhibit joy.
Get in touch with Deanna Murphy:
Business website: www.peopleacuity.com
Email: dmurphy@peopleacuity.com
Brooklyn Edwards is a 21-year-old student from Evergreen, Colorado, attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. She is majoring in editing and publishing with a business minor. Her experience in Church leadership includes a full-time mission in Sweden as well as various callings within YSA wards, including service in relief society presidencies and activities committees. Brooklyn interns as an editor for BYU Continuing Education’s strategic marketing team. Along with writing, she loves running, reading, violin, cooking, and spending time with friends and family. Her desire to lead by following the Savior is what brought her to Leading Saints and keeps her passionately listening to and sharing its messages.
