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Sara Walker currently lives in Amity, Oregon. She served in the Chicago Illinois North mission, met her husband at BYU-Idaho, and has a been striving to improve her marriage and help her husband overcome his addiction to pornography.
Enter Sara…
Dear Bishop,
Thank you for your service as a bishop in the Church. I believe you were called of God to your calling for such a time as this. We need people who are willing to be on the front lines in the battle for families and individuals against sexual addiction. I am hoping to give you some insight into what women with husbands involved in sexual addiction (SA) need from you as an ecclesiastical leader. I have talked with many women who are dealing with this in their lives, and their stories are varied and poignant. All the women who shared their insight did so knowing that I would be submitting this to you. Out of respect for them and the battles they continue to fight, I won’t use names or specific details. The feelings and thoughts expressed in this letter are my own, although not every item listed has been applicable to me and my situation. It is my hope that you will use this letter—as well as the spirit of discernment—when counseling with individuals and couples, as each situation is somewhat unique. There are, however, a number of similarities between them as well. I will be attempting to address those. I feel like it’s important to begin this by sharing with you some attitudes and attributes of the addict. Many of those who come to you with SA will be men—although not exclusively. Therefore, I will use the term addict and husband interchangeably. When a man comes to you admitting he has looked at pornography, please consider the following:
- Most men do not fully confess everything the first time, or the second, or the third…
- They may say they don’t have an addiction, that it was just a here-and-there problem.
- They have likely struggled for years, and are only coming to you because they got caught.
- They have lied to themselves and to their spouse for so long that they believe many of their own lies.
- They are so programmed to hide everything that it usually takes a “hitting rock bottom” moment before full confession happens, and sometimes not even then.
- Often there are things like masturbation and infidelity that they are not talking about.
As a bishop, please consider asking the difficult questions. Be specific. Ask: Do you masturbate? Have you had virtual relationships or physical relationships? Do you go to strip clubs or porn shops? How often? For how long? Do you use your phone or tablet? Do you call hotlines? And so forth. They do not need to be graphic in the details of what they do, but they do need to be accountable. Many of these men have a distorted sense of time. They will say the last time they looked was a few months/weeks ago. In reality, it was likely sooner and for longer than they would admit. They are most likely in something referred to as “addict brain” or “addict mode.” Unless they have been actively working at recovery, they are in addict brain. It gives them a distorted sense of reality. (For more in-depth discussion of addict brain, see the book, Like Dragons Did They Fight.) Dealing with someone who lives much of their life in addict brain is difficult. When we—the women dealing with this—come to you for help, we often have no one else to turn to. Begin to educate yourself about the nuances of SA. Each of the below items is just a brief overview; this is meant as a starting point and not a comprehensive document. Please consider the following as you seek guidance in counseling us:
1. Do not imply or flat out say that if we would give our spouse more time sexually he wouldn’t have this problem
This is probably the number one source of depression, frustration and abandonment women feel from ecclesiastical leaders. This is the quickest way to alienate the wife. Women will immediately throw up a wall when a priesthood leader tells her this. I actually had a priesthood leader angry with me because he thought I was neglecting that “duty.” I don’t know how to state this more clearly: Sexual addiction/pornography addiction is not about the sex. It may be difficult to understand this, but the addict does not know how to deal with life and pornography/masturbation is his coping mechanism. A wife could quite literally prostitute herself for her husband and it would never be enough. When told that we need to do more for the man sexually, we are being put in danger emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically. This addiction is not the wife’s fault. Often the addiction began even before the marriage. Blaming the wife is a way for the addict to deflect the feelings of guilt and responsibility.
2. Counsel with husband and wife individually at first
Because he has been in addict brain for so long, the husband has not been emotionally available in many ways to the wife. He is often unwilling to be vulnerable and accountable. To ask a couple to begin mending their marriage requires that the addict is actively working recovery. Be aware that sobriety and recovery are not the same. Sobriety is part of recovery, but it is not recovery in and of itself. It is important for each spouse to be working recovery on their own before coming together to mend the marriage. In addition, if you are meeting with the couple, do not use it as a time to side with one spouse or another.
3. A woman’s recovery is separate and distinct from her husband’s
As women dealing with spouses with SA, we are largely on our own to seek information and find what works for us. However, there are a few things that will help:
- Although our spouse may not be worthy to go to the temple, the wife should not be denied access. The temple can be the most inspirational and comforting place for us.
- Ministering to us individually may include regular check ins, blessings, and temporal support.
- Assisting us in setting and maintaining boundaries with the addict is vital. They are not meant to be used as a punishment, but as a way to keep us safe and allow for healing for us and the addict.
- If women are willing, it would be fantastic for you to help us connect with other local women who are going through the same issues. Satan works in isolation. Having others to talk with allows us to share experiences and assist one another in the healing process.
4. Forgiveness does not equal trust
Forgiveness is given when: We recognize that we are not in control. We recognize that we cannot control the addict and their choices, but can only control ourselves. We choose to give it to God and trust in Him. Trust is given when: We see accountability on the part of the addict. The addict is actively working all aspects of recovery. The following is an accurate description of betrayal trauma, provided by the website bloomforwomen.com:
Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner. If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms.
As bishop, you can help by not giving the spouse a timeline for either forgiveness or trust. This has to be freely given. And in the case of trust, it must be actively earned by the addict. Misplaced trust can lead to more betrayal and emotional, spiritual, and physical trauma.
5. Another common attitude from ecclesiastical leaders is to ask us to treat the addict like our child, asking, “What would you do for your child?”
This is a complete misunderstanding of the husband/wife relationship. Women look to their spouses to do three basic things: provide, preside, and protect. To treat a spouse as a child diminishes them in all three of those roles, and implies that we ought to assume some responsibility for their behavior. The addict often struggles with all three of these roles. We have to assume them for ourselves just to make sure that they are present in our children’s lives. Again, this is something that we cannot make the addict choose to do.
6. Local church leaders can make a difference
Women have a natural instinct to protect their children and those they love. Most women, when given the proper help, are able to move past the trauma that SA causes in their life. What I hear from almost every woman that I talk with is a desire to have this problem brought to light. Satan works in isolation and darkness. As a bishop, you are put into the unique position within the ward family to lead the charge against sexual/pornography addiction. You can:
- Talk to the youth! They need to be educated on the dangers of pornography and masturbation. Another website geared towards understanding the science of porn addiction is Fight the New Drug. It has a free app for those struggling with addiction as well as numerous articles talking about the specific dangers of this addiction.
- Talk to the sisters. Educate them on the signs to look for in their spouse and children. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this find someone who does.
- As stated before, ask specific and sometimes difficult questions to both the youth and adults who come to you.
- Educate yourself!
While I cannot possibly hope to make this letter comprehensive, I hope it will assist you in dealing with this issue as it comes to you. I have no doubt that it will come to you more and more often. I believe it is truly one of the great plagues spoken of in the scriptures. Thank you for your service! Sincerely, The Wife of a Porn Addict
Podcast Episode Highlights
- 30:34 – Do not imply that more sexual attention from a spouse will help with an addiction
- 35:05 – Counseling with husband and wife should not be the first avenue
- 45:51 – Our recovery is different from our husband’s
- 49:38 – How to make the invitation to the spouse to come talk to the Bishop or a counselor easier?
- 55:10 – Forgiveness does not equal trust
- 58:45 – Bishop’s are put in a place to lead the charge against sexual and pornography addiction.
- 6:39 – Sara’s email to Kurt
- 8:04 – Were you aware of your husband’s addiction prior to marriage? Sara’s husband told her after the subject was brought up jokingly. Addicts have a hard time with empathy and often get stuck in cycles. Emotional situations, good or bad, are triggers for addicts to return to previous behavior.
- 12:25 – Realize that it’s not about you Addicts need to change because they want to change, hitting rock bottom is often necessary
- 12:58 – How long has this been an issue? This started 15 years and has been a constant issue, recovery is long. They participated in the church’s addiction recovery program and that helped, it’s hard to address pornography in a group program.
- 15:17 – From the perspective of a wife or spouse, explain to us how you would describe your interaction with leaders, why was it frustrating? Bishop’s never spoke with her as the spouse of an addict, most of the bishop’s counsel was basic and didn’t fully address the severity of the issue. 18:05 – Pornography addictions aren’t always about sex, a healthy spousal relationship can still have problems
- 18:34 – How can you better describe that pornography addiction is not about the spouse and sexual intimacy? The spouse can stay true to themselves, keep a close relationship with Heavenly Father and continue to read scriptures and pray. Fight the New Drug is a good resource for pornography addiction information. Addiction usually starts in their teens as a curiosity. A lot of addicts use pornography to handle stress.
- 24:52 – The importance of a Bishop being specific in their counsel Addicts have a tendency to downplay their addiction. Bishops need to ask additional questions about masturbation, intimate online relationship, strip clubs, etc… Bishops need to understand the full scope of a pornography addiction. Bishops don’t need to know every detail but to understand how it’s happening and the level of what’s going on.
- 27:20 – Bishop’s need to assess their level of repentance and recovery. Is this a one time slip up or is this an indulgence?
- 30:00 – Speaking from the perspective of a spouse, a list of six suggestions:
- 30:34 – Do not imply that more sexual attention from a spouse will help with an addiction. Encouraging a spouse to be more intimate could be exposing them to physical or emotional danger.
- 35:05 – Counseling with husband and wife should not be at first. If the spouse isn’t in a recovery situation, counseling together will be difficult for the addict to take responsibility for their actions. Separate counseling is ok but a professional counselor is recommended.
- 38:54 – How does codependency manifest in addict relationships? A spouse’s role in helping the addict should not be all consuming, trying to police every moment should not be their responsibility. Restrictions should be put in place because the addict asks for it. Have the addict be accountable for their actions.
- 42:08 – How do you set up accountability? Men of Moroni recovery program. A daily journal helps them to be accountable to a group of people in recovery and to their spouse. Having a plan in place to deter situations that trigger a relapse is important for the addict. A leader can help the addict be accountable to them and set up meetings and check ups to see how recovery is going.
- 45:51 – Our recovery is different from our husband’s. Two books that have been helpful: Rhyll Croshaw – What Can I Do About Me? Stephen R Covey – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Remembering to put God first in our lives is very important, continuing to seek revelation and inspiration. Recognize that it isn’t just a trial of the addict, but the spouse as well.
- 49:38 – How to make the invitation to the spouse to come talk to the Bishop or a counselor easier? The addicted spouse is ashamed and doesn’t want the other talking about it. The wife doesn’t fully understand the “why” of the situation and it’s a struggle of faith and personal revelation. The spouse questions a lot about their role in the situation. It’s important for the Bishop to tell the addict that they would like to speak with their spouse.
- 55:10 – Forgiveness does not equal trust. Don’t let their bad behavior affect your life. When you see that the addict is making changes then they can earn their trust back. Bishop’s should be cautious about forcing a wife to forgive their husband and tell them to move on. Trust cannot be forced, spouses need to arrive there on their own in their own time. Bishops need to be a resource along the path to help them to forgive and trust again.
- 57:34 – Leaders shouldn’t ask us to treat the addict like a child.
- 58:45 – Bishop’s are put in a place to lead the charge against sexual and pornography addiction. The addiction recovery program is great but the needs of sexual and pornographic addictions needs to be addressed. These types of addictions are isolating and it doesn’t need to be that way. The youth and adults need to be proactive in discussing these issues. Stake Presidents and Bishops need to address sexual and pornographic addictions in fifth Sunday lessons or firesides.
- 1:03:11 – As a wife, what are your thoughts about your husband losing his temple recommend?
Links
Interview with Steven & Rhyll Crowshaw
FOOTNOTES:
1. You can find a fantastic explanation of what recovery is and isn’t, and why a definition if it is so vital to true recovery, in this post on the blog Make My Burden Light. ↩ 2. Recommended readings: Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend Boundaries in Marriage, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend Moving Beyond Betrayal, Vicki Tidwell Palmer What Can I Do About Me?, by Rhyll Croshaw (especially helpful for women) 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey Resources that have been the most helpful for my spouse and I:
- Fight the New Drug – This is another website geared toward helping break the cycle of sex addiction. It has an app that is free to use. They continually update their website with new information about the dangers of sex addiction.
- Healing Through Christ – This website is very underdeveloped, but the workbook for families is phenomenal. In fact, the church at one time used it as their recovery program, but due to copyright issues with some of the contributors it is no longer being used. I would strongly recommend getting the workbooks as a resource for families.
- Healing with Worth – LCS offers a program specifically for women, called WORTH. There are a number of online groups that are therapist-led that they can participate in. They are also free, which is great for most couples going through recovery. Often the cost of therapy for the addict is straining on the family budget, but LCS really tries to make recovery as affordable as possible.
- S.A. Lifeline Foundation – This site has a number of resources and their story is a powerful one of addiction and recovery. Their book, What Can I Do About Me?, by Rhyll Croshaw, was the first book I read that really began to help me as a woman as I dealt with everything.
- ARP – The LDS church program for addiction recovery. It offers wonderful spiritual insights and generally has a meeting close enough for most people to be able to attend in person. For women, it can bring a lot of comfort to be able to meet face-to-face with other women who are going through the same struggles.
Additional suggested readings: Outwitting the Devil, Napoleon Hill Putting on the Armor of God, Steven A. Cramer The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis He Restoreth My Soul, Donald L. Hilton Jr The Drug of the New Millennium, Mark B. Kastleman For the Girls Who Struggle With Addiction: Daughters of Light ↩
Your article could be construed offensive yet I do not take offense. This article only mentions women of SAs however my ex-wife could have just as easily been put into the SA category yet your suggestions still apply to her and the bishops. I recommend that you don’t exclusively lump men into this category and instead include both genders. This is especially true nowadays with pervasive porn on all spectrums of sexuality.
My ex wife had been battling porn addiction for years and I didn’t know where to turn, I tried the bishop but he is not really a counselor and expert in that field. She eventually cheated on me, I forgave and she did it again but worse the second time (If that is possible.) Porn is horrible and mentally, emotionally, physically, and spirituality destroys a person (man or woman). Please consider revising your article it makes it seem as if husbands are the only ones battling this issue. Thank you.
JD, Thank you for not taking offense. I agree that this issue is much larger than what the article covers. It’s difficult to make it comprehensive. Please know that we recognize the concern it can be for both men and women. Hopefully leaders can use these principles in both situations.
I dont think bishops necessarily are the right ones to take care of this problem. Perhaps they should have a referral source that they can send people to.
You are right, bishops are not there to replace professional counselors. The concern is that bishops are often the first level of communication about issues like this. This perspective will hopefully help bishops understand the trauma spouses go through in these situations.
This article is a long time coming. It happened to me 14 years ago and destroyed the loving and trusting bond my husband and I shared. The bishop began meeting with my husband weekly and patted me on the head now and again; he had no idea how damaged I was or how I was reeling. I hope this article will be released to all bishops. As a therapist, I’ve seen other women in the church suffer alone in this same situation. Wives need every bit as much attention as their husbands. Even after 14 years, part of me remains forever changed. He got better and is temple worthy now, but I’ll never be the same nor will our relationship.
The author states at the beginning that it doesn’t apply to just men.
“Many of those who come to you with SA will be men—although not exclusively”. In her situation, and the many women she interviewed, the addict was the man, so she wrote from those experiences. It’s kinda like domestic violence, many don’t understand that a woman can be the abuser! I’m sure it was harder to even get a bishop to believe a women could have this problem.
As I have learned more about SA, sadly I’ve learned that it does apply to women-both young and old. I don’t doubt that in your situation that you have felt the affects of PTSD and dealing with betrayal trauma. This betrayal effects every part of a person’s being and it truly sucks.
There are absolute horror stories about the way the brethren of the church have dealt with this problem. I think this is a great letter to help guide bishops to begin to deal with this, if they take time to read it and understand it. While I don’t believe the bishop can take the place of counseling, he should be a guide to the resources that are out there and may also have to help financially.
This journey, whether you are male or female, is crappy. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My Dday was just about three years ago and during that time I have met the most amazing people. I have learned a whole new language and have learned to love people that I would never have known. Through support groups, online and in person, I have been inspired by the examples of those who have been there. My spouse is still in denial and freaks out over the word “addict” insisting he isn’t one. I continue to go to my CSAT and keep my Bishop up to date and live one day at a time.
Your insight and knowledge I know came from the Spirit. I totally agree with everything you have said. I hope that all Bishops in the Church will seriously consider the importance of what this Sister has said. Sexual sickness takes other forms in families and for far to long we have looked the other way. I for one was very blessed to have a Bishop that was inspired to take the perfect steps in hearing my heart and starting a process where healing began to take place. Far too many hearts of wives and children have been broken by the immorality of sexual sins. Thank you for your frank truths and your willingness to offer hope to those who suffer and spiritual advice to our leaders.
As a male who has this addiction and have struggled with this for years. I feel that everything you said is feel true to me. I have found that nothing my family could do to make this better. The thing that I have found is my association or my feelings towards my maker. The thing that has been the hardest for me is how I feel about myself and I get I don’t stay busy in what I know is right.
I have meant with others that have this problem and my wife went at the same time as I did. She never meant with the bishop and I found that was hard for me as well as her but she didn’t feel that way.
I feel bad for my family. Though they all seem fine I wonder if this has translated to them.
I really feel sorry for those who don’t realize how they affect others, with their attitudes, anger, and being withdrawn.
Im curious to know if you have even tried more sexual intimacy with your spouse? Do you initiate intimacy at least half of the time or is it mostly one sided? How many no’s until finally a yes? When there is a yes is it a “fine” or a less enthusiastic let’s get this over with? I know of both men and women who have a strong need for the physical connection. I know if your body wants or needs something it can’t get you will eventually find it somewhere else. And it’s not just about sex or getting off, it’s about feeling that rush of the person you love be passionate and trying. Even just little things throughout the day passionate kissing or a butt slap, it is all feeling a need for that person. Do you have needs? Want type of needs are those? Do you want or need your spouse to listen and talk to you? Need to hear the words I love you? Do you instead of talking to your spouse feel that need with talking to someone else? Do you find your validation elsewhere? If you do or you have other needs that need met and you fill them elsewhere then you have what you would consider an “ADDICTION” too. There is a rush or high, if you will, with pornography yes, but the less sexually driven spouse can create a rush or high ten times that amount I promise you that. The key is you have to try. And not just give in and do it because you feel like you have to, but do it because you love them and want to help make your relationship strong and happy. If any type of need isn’t met no matter who you are or what that need is you will find it other places. Needs aren’t addictions.
As a man and someone who works with persons who struggle with this, I thought your article was extremely well-written. God knows the pain and confusion women (and it is generally women, not men) feel facing the betrayal and guilt of pornography addiction, but most LDS members have very little clue. My hope is Bishops will read this and be more clear on what they can do to help. For over 50 years I’ve seen the way women are blamed for this and try to “fix” it, when it is the addict who needs to fix it. (And again, my experience has been almost entirely with men as the addict, so I speak that way.) Sadly, I think there are some deep issues here that make this a difficult issue in the LDS church specifically. Many years ago I attempted to investigate and was not treated kindly by the powers that be. Hopefully that attitude is less defensive and more open now.
Its not the bishops job to drill the addict. It’s not the bishops job to force an addict to correct his behavior. This also just puts more quilt onto what is perceived as a sin instead of a weakness. Addiction shouldn’t be treated as a sin, but as a weakness…if the Bishop is first point of contact, he should just hand over a list of professional contacts…the only thing the writter got right in tbis article, is how a bishop should treat her.
I have facilitated LDS ARP family groups for over a decade. Much of what you say is true, however, not everthing is accurate. Those struggling with any type of addiction typically are the last to admit an issue because they can stop for periods of time. There are levels of involvement and addiction is the last level not the only level. Your article would indicate the enemy is the spouse using pornography. That is an oversimplification. The enemy is Satan and he is determined to destroy individuals, marriages and families. He is not particular in which order that occurs. Women need better education about this problem as well as ecclesiastical leaders. ALL men have been exposed and continue to be exposed. It is the nature of the world we live in. Initial use was typically as youth and out of curiosity. It changed the way they felt and over a brief and quick period of time became the method used to deal with the stresses of life. Women also have unhealthy ways of dealing with the stresses of life–overeating, undereating, overexercising, marathons, bulimia, nips and tucks, etc., etc. Note again: The common enemy is not the spouse. Once husbands and wives face the enemy together in open and honest communications and plans, we will begin to see success in overcoming. As long as we point fingers and try to enlist the church leaders to “punish” the sinner into repentance we will continue to perpetuate this issue. The Savior never shamed sinners into repentance. We shouldn’t do it either. Anyone who has tried knows it just does work.
I’ve read quite a few who mentioned that the Bishops ought to refer people over to therapists…
I agree, however, they tend to refer them to sex-negative therapists.
Therapists who are SAT certified (Sex Addiction Therapists). LDS Family Services is inundated with these types and they will breach the clients confidentiality by having all of them sign waivers stating that they can talk with the client’s bishop. As one can imagine…this type of scenario doesn’t harbor safety and trust for the clients.
Not therapists who are AASECT certified and sex-positive who can actually help.
I’ve even heard of Bishops referring the spouse over to therapy…again, to a sex-negative therapist.
I’ve heard of these therapists telling the spouse to discontinue sexual relations and all intimacy. I have yet to hear of prostitutes, porn sites, strip clubs, chat rooms, phone sex, magazines, and the like recommending that the viewer stop having intercourse and intimacy with their spouses.
It’s just sad that there are so many sex-negative therapists out there.
Inspired counsel, Sara. Thank you!! bloomforwomen.com is another online therapeutic and coaching resource for wives that I’ve found to be incredibly helpful. I look forward to reading Rhyll’s book. I had to dig a tad on Amazon to find an affordable copy but have ordered it and look forward to using it as a resource. Thanks again for being the voice of so many unheard women.
Thank you Beckie. I have a blog that has many resources listed including Ryhll’s book. You can find it at https://healingresourcesblog.wordpress.com/
Another resource you may want to add to your list is the book Power Over Pornography. It offers a powerful solution to pornography addiction and has a much lower relapse rate.
Thank you! I will look into adding that to my blog.
I am 26 years old and began the act of masterbation at the age of 6. I began viewing pornography around the age 12. My battle with addiction has been ongoing my entire life. At 15 I began abusing marijuana and alcohol and over the years of countless “failures” in my life my addiction has progressed exponentially to IV drug use. I’ve been sober at times from substances while working a recovery program, yet I’ve never been able to abstain from pornography use or masterbation for more than 28 days in my entire life. There is a documentary called pleasure unwoven that gives an excellent representation of how the basic brain chemistry is altered with addiction. Addicts believe at a chemical level that they need their drug of choice, (including pornography) over time it supplant even the need for food and shelter. Since I was 12, when I was caught I’ve made various attempts to become clean. Sometimes people may be tempted to tell an addict that they aren’t trying hard enough. I can personally say I’ve poured my entire soul out to God many times, tears streaming down my face, asking to have this taken away. What I’ve finally realized is that no matter what I do, (yes I must try) but is the Lord and him alone that will remove this. We are battling with Satan at a chemical level and nothing short of the power of God can win. Through introspection I’ve found that the first addiction I had,(masterbation) happened before I was even aware what I was doing. In an effort to teach children or teens about the dangers of pornography I believe that scare tactics do not work. Education is the key. Show them the science. Many people still do not believe that addiction is real or that it could happen to them. I think this can be combatted not through fear, but actual knowledge of the disease. Also I’ve realized that my addiction cannot be abated through more sexual intimacy within my relationship. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been more that satisfied and accomdated in that respect, yet still view pornography the first chance I am alone. For a Bishop to blame a wife is not okay, but it shows a general lack of accurate knowledge about what addiction is. Many people probably think along those same lines. This is simply because they do not understand that the use is a symptom of something g deeper, and for me more sexual relations with my partner only feeds my lust for pornography. I realized that engaging in those actions out of wedlock only added more to my shame about something I’ve struggled with nearly my entire life and would cause me to act out more to cover these negative emotions. The best thing somebody can do whose significant other is struggling can do is, “let go and let God” these addictions cannot be cured through willpower or any other faculty of man. The same goes for my resentments and forgiveness. I can make those go away and truly forgive somebody just as easily as I can quit using on my own power. There are people who I’ve said I’ve forgiven, and truly believed I had. In reality, I hadn’t because I hadn’t given those things to the Lord. Forgiveness is His, and I had just been pushing those things further down instead of giving them to God. All of this happens on his time though. I’m very glad you were courageous enough to put this letter out here. It is good for me, and everyone willing to listen and hear about how serious this disease is, and how Satan truly manipulates the chemical makeup in our brain to “captivate” us. More open humble discussion is the key in my opinion. Your idea about having the bishop ask specific questions is brilliant because for me, admitting these things to a female, let alone somebody like my partner or spouse who I’m supposed to love, is painful and shameful. I think one thing partners can do is not press for details of a relapse. I believe that sometimes, depending on the situation it need not even be mentioned to the partner. I’ve had a partner who, after I had a beer and lied about it, made me feel nearly worthless. I understand her reaction , but it didn’t help. I had sincerely been working a recovery program until that time. Yes, it is absolutely not okay to do that, or lie about it. But all I wanted at that time was for her to understand that this is something I’ve been battling for 19 years of my 25 on this Earth. I didn’t need extra shame from her. Most addicts hate themselves more than anybody else ever could. A firm, but loving and supportive response is best, without prying into details. Lying and secrecy are woven into our thoughts and decision
making process. If you press for unnecessary details it just opens up another opportunity to lie. Fear of the anger and shame from the other person is more than enough reason to lie about the extent or type of use. In time, when they are ready, and with the added enabling power of the Atonement, an addict will begin to be honest. They cannot do it alone, and this type of healing from deep wounds takes time. Not our time or according to our schedules, but on His time. I think you are absolutely right about having separate counseling sessions at first. The damage caused by addicts spreads into the family and often the relationship becomes toxic. Basically everything is in the Big Book of AA. Chapters 8 and 9 are called, “To Wives” and, “The Family Afterward” I think that anyone who is trying to understand and deal with an addict should read the book. It’s helped more than I can say and helped millions of people get sober. I am grateful for your letter and I hope many more people take the time to read, and work to fight against addiction the way Heavenly Father would have us fight it.
Tyrel,
You my friend are in my prayers tonight. I don’t know how long ago you wrote this post, but I am sure you are still in the battle. I have the deepest empathy for you my brother, keep up the battle. The Lord looketh upon the heart, and you can become perfected in Christ and only in Christ, as can we all, but the battle against Satan must rage on. Some fights we will win, some we will loose, but in the end if our fight has been fought with faith in in the Atonement of Jesus Christ he will redeem us. We are to weak to endure otherwise.
What a great testimony of recovery! Your attitude is inspiring. I can feel your strength and wisdom and know with the help of the Lord, you will make it!
Thank you for sharing. So personal. I am sorry that you have to battle this. I am extremely proud that you can come out and share your story.
I am grateful.
I can relate to your struggle, brother. Exposed to pornography at a very early age and sexually assaulted at even an earlier age, I can certainly relate to the road you have traveled. Excommunicated from the church from off my mission because of my struggles that I failed to control, then basically given in to worldly pursuits, I too have experienced the struggle. After 25 years, I returned to the church, been re baptized, priesthood restored and married in the temple. I am still haunted in my mind of my past and have basically learned to relax…not to be overly critical of myself and just admit I have faults that I don’t know how I’ll overcome. Identifying triggers and avoiding them helps…reminding myself when tempted that I am unwilling to sell my inheritance for “a bowl of red porridge” only can get us to a certain place in our struggles with addiction. I can only take it a day at a time and have hope in Christs atonement, believe that his grace is sufficient and real and continually ask God for forgiveness for my weaknesses. I can only say you are not alone. Keep the faith.
Right on Tyrel I could not agree more. Only when Christ is involved can one truly win and be healed, as well as their family. As for the Atonement yes that is what Christ did for us but it is not the Atonement alone that heals us as if the Atonement alone that does it, Christ himself is the one who heals and we must develop a personal friendship/relationship with him for any healing to work. Thank you Tyrel for your comments, truly inspiring and words to learn from.
I would add to acknowledge their involvement with Porn is cheating. I have heard so many times that it isn’t cheating because of lack of punishment so to speak from a church stand point, but it is cheating. Plain and simple.
No, it’s not. At least not in the way you’re suggesting. You can’t talk about it as an addition and a coping mechanism on one hand and then push it as sexual at the same time. It’s rarely really about sex or about the person in the pictures. Those are merely stimulus to get to the dopamine release. It’s much more like a drug than anything else.
The feeling of cheating or betrayal is your feelings about it and has nothing to do with your spouse. You are putting something on the situation that’s not there. Now, if he actually goes out and seeks another person, that’s a different matter altogether. But porn and masturbation in themselves aren’t cheating on you.
You might notice that your reaction is all about you, and shows no concern for your spouse who is suffering with the issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not your responsibility in the least, but it’s really not nearly as much about you as you want to put into it.
It is cheating do not delude yourself. Christ himself has addressed this by stating,” Matt 5:28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever lookers on a women to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” It is against the vows of marriage.
To add to that, if the church responded to porn addicts by giving them the same condemnation as a cheater (excommunication for example), those good people who are actually trying to rid themselves of this disease would then find it difficult to keep their faith of they are being punished for something they believe they can’t control. That is what addiction is, it is something that strives to rob you of your free agency.
As a Man Thinketh so is/has he done. I’ve heard that all my life and I know there is a book out that that was written by an Apostle that has the title, As a Man Thinketh. I am with a few of the others who have responded, that this problem is not in the description of what a Bishop should have to handle. The Bishop is there to be a judge of Israel, but he is not a counselor nor has the education. When a Bishop could be a Cowboy, Doctor, Attorney or Garbage Man they do NOT have the education to deal with this and should counsel the person(s) to seek medical help and then come back and see him. I am so glad for this article to Bishops to Educate them. My Father is a High Counsel Man and he has had to enlighten and train Bishops and Stake Presidents regarding Pedophiles, because I was married to one and we did a lot of research on this. My heart and prayers are with all clergymen and woman who have to hear these things and deal with them, before the couple seeks professional help.
Agreed.
Candy,
It’s not cheating…cheating is being intimate with another person. For example, would you say that it is cheating if the person has Mechanophilia? Mechanophilia is when a person is lustfully engaged with machines…typically cars and trucks. Porn, is merely the computer…however, there is chat. Chat is usually anonymous…still NOT cheating.
What really separates porn with infidelity can be defined as ‘desire’…infidelity requires desire, yet porn only required ‘fantasy’. Would you also consider his wandering thoughts as ‘cheating’?
I’m so glad you stated this. My husband had a 20+ year porn addiction, which has essentially destroyed me…partially because I believe the physical nature (masturbation) that goes along with porn viewing means an ‘intimate activity’ with another human being…I believe it’s essentially cheating…and with many other individuals! It’s been incredibly painful for me as the wife. My husband did the 12 step program, said it cured him (not sure about that), but I was never offered any real help through the church and I’m still drowning in depression.
This is not the bishops job this is their councilors job his job is to help him get the right help he is not a professional.
I don’t think anyone is saying that it is the bishops job and should not consult a counselor. Of course a counselor should be involved as early as possible. The reality is, the bishop is a spiritual leader in the lives of members of the Church and he is set-apart with priesthood keys that can help someone through the process of finding help. Our hope is that this letter/interview helps leaders have a perspective of addiction that can help them refer everyone involved to the right resources that will lead to healing, including good professional counseling.
@Teri Skelton: the book “As A Man Thinketh” is an excellent book about agency. However, it was not written by an apostle. The book, published in 1903, was written by James Allen, a British man.
GREAT stuff! I’d only add this: if we want to be “real” about helping people, then we need to broaden our thinking to include the rest of the truth: men are not the only addicts.
It does NO good to say, “Well, most are men.”
This isn’t about being right, this is about doing right and everyone struggling needs help, not just the majority. 🙂
Something I think that should be asked is will the wife hold this over the husband’s head and continue blaming him for his p.t. (past transgressions)? If she does this she needs to get herself checked out as well and stop this behavior or end the marriage is just that simple. That in itself is abuse and for some reason there is a doubt standard. I’ve talked to a lot of married men that have recovered from this and many women won’t let this go and bring it up just about every chance they get when the husband messes up on anything even little things such as he didn’t bring home the milk from the store, etc. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t check in with him and see how he’s doing but Tyrel Petersen is correct whether the addict is a man or woman they should try and be understanding and loving (as hard as that must be for both of them). The best way I’ve heard to describe addition is it’s like breaking something very valuable of your spouses or someone you really care about and it’s irreplaceable especially if it was from your mission. The challenging thing about it though is the only way to get through it and to acknowledge that most times it takes more than 3 trys to get through it.
Tom,
That’s right, and it’s not just visual porn. Women are always getting a pass because they don’t react to visual porn the way men do. For them, literature fulfills the same purpose. All those LDS women reading and obsessing over the Twilight series were getting their own version of porn. Romance novels are merely the female version of a Playboy.
I was the wife of a porn addict. Looking back at the time, a few poignant moments are glaring. First, the sacrament became the most important part of his week because he truly believed that he was fully forgiven each week for the prior week’s indiscretions. Second, to be used as sexual play thing for years is as detrimental to the psyche as being in a loving sexual relationship is helpful and healing. Sex is a very powerful and wonderful part of a healthy elationship, and sadly, is equally damaging in an unhealthy relationship. Third, every aspect of the couple’s life is adversely affected by his addiction and lies including, financial, spiritual, social and the basic family unit. It is pervasive. He’ll get up the middle of the night to feed his addiction and say it’s insomnia, then he’s grouchy the next day. He’ll pick fight before a family party and use that as an to excuse not go so he can stay home and feed his addiction. He’ll let all, or most, of the housework fall on his wife’s shoulders so while she’s busy taking care of shopping, cleaning, yard work and cooking, he can feed his addiction. Bishops need understand that the help these women need may extend to things like yard work or chores because overburdening the wife is a tool that addicts use. They also need to understand that an addict may apply the atonement incorrectly and believe all is well (my husband stopped going to church when we talked with the Bishop about repentance and he realized he wasn’t clean weekly simply by taking the Sacrament). The Bishops also need to realize that the entire family needs counseling, not just the husband and wife.
You said it perfectly Rebecca. I’ve been there & know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s maddening. My ex couldn’t hold a second job to help keep us out of debt because he couldn’t get up early in the morning to go stock shelves but he could stay out or up till 1-2 am viewing porn and who knows what else? Do people really have any idea what this does to a wife’s pysche? So then I use a credit card to buy food & diapers. And now it’s ‘my fault’ that we ever got into debt. And that’s only a tiny fraction into so much more that went on. Lies lies lies. How does a woman even stay sane in that environment? It took all the will power k had to survive that marriage. So glad I’m free of him as far as a marriage goes. Now married to a non-addict & life is so much sweeter now.
Well said Rebecca.
OR you could stop trusting in people who are not clinically or professionally trained in sexual behavior. Why not go with your husband to a sex therapist? Often the issue is deeper and porn is the scape goat. Bishops cannot speak to God for you. You have your own divine connection to God. Take back your control instead of being spiritually manipulated by an organization that profits from creating problems for you.
Regardless of what emotional or addictive issues people deal with in life, most people first turn to people that are not clinically or professionally trained. People initially turn to family members, friends, or religious leaders before they turn to a professional counselor. The intent of this letter/interview was not to encourage leaders to fix or counsel the problem, the intent was to help them gain a new perspective when an individual does seek out their advice as the first step in getting help.
I agree, this artical is very one sided and rebakes of having been conditioned all our lives of the same thing over and over yet there is so such thing as SA,
Well the author does give a disclaimer in the beginning that this is in the eyes of wives of SAs. She says she is being a mouthpiece for they women she has approached. Of course it will be one sided but she does attempt to say that it isn’t a one sided journey. I commend her for being brave enough to speak for women who are too scared to do so themselves. Plus, if you don’t like her one sided approach she gives TONS of references to books and articles that have helped her or others in similar situations and exemplify other sides of the story.
Thank you for getting this out there. Not only am I the wife of a recovering Sex Addict, but I am also currently the Relief Society President. While I think it is vital that the Bishop is educated about sexual addiction so that he can best point couples to where they can get help, I also believe that this is not a battle Bishops can fight on their own – we all need to be held accountable, especially those in leadership positions. I would encourage the Bishops to use their ward council in this battle – with the permission of the addict and spouse – of course. Elders Quarum Presidents, High Preist Group leaders and Young Men Presidents can become accountability partners and sponsors. They can offer priesthood blessings when the household priesthood holder cannot. They can provide emotional support to parents or men who’s wives are addicts (although they should not counsel with betrayed women alone as this could be a dangerous situation). The Relief Society President, Young Women’s President, and yes, sadly, even the Primary parents can also provide support for parents and female spouses or help counsel the young women. This of course, is only possible with the cooperation of confidentiality of the leaders and respect to the situation at hand. I think it is irresponsible to think that Bishops alone can handle this plague that is sweeping the earth on their own. We can help to provide workshops, firesides, activities and more to bring education to our members and to finally shed light on this detrimental poison that is killing families everywhere. Last of all, recovering addicts and their spouses must be willing to share with others. It helps maintain our recovery to be out of the shadows and it is vital that others know they are not alone. My husband and I have shared our story with the bishop and have offered to talk with and help other couples who may be struggling. Together, we can beat this thing – but it will take all of us with a spirit of no shaming and judgment.
I agree 100% with your suggestions and thoughts. It is an all in effort. The bishops can be on the front lines of this battle by beginning the discussion and getting educated on the resources that are available. You are amazing for your willingness to speak up! Thank you!
Most men (of course some women too) fight this will fight their whole lives, if they are taught it is wrong. I have a very different outlook. I was born and raised LDS and very active until almost 2 years ago. I’ll be 36 soon. I was tempted to look at porn nearly every day of my life, and sometimes could go a whole year without succumbing. It was so frustrating to try so hard and not have the temptation go away. I was a sheltered youth and wasn’t exposed to pornograly except a few times. as an adult I would pray to God to take away the temptation, even remove my sexual desires all together if necessary. I knew it hurt my wife so much when I confessed to her that I had slipped up.
After I went inactive from the church I started listening to secular podcasts and different viewpoints on porn and sa. I came to understand that possibly religious restrictions had contributed to my problem. The greatest principle of the gospel is free agancy and it’s why we are here.
I know you will all hate this idea but I made a conscious decision to look atporn whenever I felt like and to not let myself feel guilty about it. For a month I went crazy. Second month not so much. It got boring and repetitive. It start d to feel so shallow and made me crave real love and connection.
Today I work in an office by myself and about once a month I get the urge to look and so I do. Ten minutes and I remember why I don’t have the urge anymore. Not feeling guilty is huge because I simply don’t feel like it’s a sin. I don’t think it’s helpful to the soul, but I believe I have to do my pathmy way or life gets too discouraging. It’s amazing to me that I can go a month, sometimes two without even thinking about it. For me, religion made sa and porn a mountain out of a mole hill.
I understand this will make most women cringe. But your fear and anxiety and punishment make the problem worse. This is not your fault, this has been fed to us from the pulpit our whole lives. At some point you need to look inward for happiness and wholeness and not rely on your husbands decisions. I can’t speak for all men. But this is my path and my story, and it’s the truth.
Thanks for your comment.
As an active LDS, I must agree. It’s not a big deal unless we make it out to be.
One time praying super stressed out about confessing to my wife, the answer just came indicating to me just lie about it. Probably saved my marriage to do so, and while I still occasionally incur in incidents, I don’t make it a big deal.
And if JS had tons of wives and he gets a pass, why shouldn’t I who has had a single sexual partner my entire life. I wish more preaching about loving and making love to your husband was given. Sadly, there have been too many examples where men have taking advantage over their loving and caring spouse that this advice can’t be given to the general public… and therefore it is to be the exception rather than the rule of thumb, but in my mind it’s beginning to be a more serious problem to not have more loving and understanding wives.
https://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/
Unfortunately, Anon, our Church cu;ture is being strongly affected by the feminist 2.0 – anti-male culture. They will read a comment like yours and Ned and just judge you as sinners and ignore the very real points you are making.
For example, when you read the article, there’s no real talk of the husband harming anyone but his own position in the Gospel. Yet, to read her comments, she has described him as the worst kind of horrible human being and destroying his family. Yet, unless he is actually going physically outside the home for relationships, he is only potentially harming himself. It is her judgement of him and her attitude that is really causing her the great harm.
I challenge anyone to even find masturbation or a prohibition of it in the scriptures anywhere. The closest we get is Onan, and he was punished specifically for disobedience. In reality, my concern is that masturbation has been demonized because it is seen as a a gateway to more severe behavior. But often it is not. It is negative primarily because it is addictive and any addiction causes problems.
But I will be flat out honest and say that porn and masturbation has saved my marriage. My wife has been emotionally abusive for the majority of my marriage, with temporary reprieves of wonderful relationships. Porn helped cope through those times. Culturally, we essentially celebrate women being emotionally abusive – that’s why there’s a whole movement of men leaving the idea of relationships.
So many of these women who feel harmed by their spouse’s porn addiction could turn it around with a change of attitude, and recognize that it is his problem, not theirs, and help the relationship by being supporting and not being the reason for the coping.
This comment is in response to Concerned (below). I don’t really have a comment on Ned’s and Anon’s comments. Maybe you’re right. I don’t know.
But Concerned, you’re blind if you really believe that a husband’s porn addiction doesn’t harm a wife. You said, “Unless he is actually going physically outside the home for relationships, he is only potentially harming himself. It is her judgement of him and her attitude that is really causing her the great harm.”
That is not even close to true! Not even close. Someday if you’re ever the spouse of any kind of addict yourself, it will open your eyes to the damage an addiction inflicts on the loved ones of the addict.
I’m currently in the process of a divorce. I love my husband very much, but after 10 years, I couldn’t continue to be treated the way he was treating me and not do something about it. I gave him every chance I could and still hung in there for over a year after I read some sickening emails where I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. The emotional affair he had hurt me a lot. The pictures he exchanged with women hurt me a lot. The porn he looked at hurt me a lot. But what hurt me and damaged me more than anything else was the lying, the manipulation, and the emotional abuse.
Ten years ago he was a newly returned missionary, a super sweet guy, quiet, thoughtful, kind, sharp, funny, sincere, connected. He had struggled with porn since he was young, but fresh off his mission, he was doing well in the battle. I found out about his addiction six month into our marriage, and over the next ten years, I watched his steadily worsening addiction change him from that sweet person I knew into a completely altered man. Where he was thoughtful before, now he was neglectful — in his relationship with me AND with his two sweet toddler daughters. Where he was connected before, now there was just a wall. Where he was funny and carefree before, now he was tense, easily offended, and uncaring about people’s feelings. Where he was smart before, now he sometimes acted like parts of his brain weren’t connected to each other. His reasoning powers were strangely muddled. I remember when I confronted him about befriending women on Facebook and getting them to send him nude pics, he said to me, “I did it because I thought it wasn’t as bad as looking at porn.” He couldn’t see that he was progressing into messing up with real people. He didn’t know his addiction was growing worse. He didn’t think he was addicted at all. He couldn’t perceive that he had a problem. He didn’t see how scary his compulsion was getting. He indulged at work, on company computers. Trying to talk to him — trying to get him to see, “Helloo-oo, you could lose your job!” — was like we were speaking different languages. And the lies he would tell, and his justifications for why they weren’t actually lies…I’m serious, it’s like he was brain damaged.
Add to that the manipulating, the gaslighting. If you don’t know what gaslighting is and you live with an addict, look it up. Gaslighting is type of manipulation where you try to get someone else to believe that *they* are the one with the problem, not you. Over and over, I would say to my husband, “Something’s not right. Something is different about you. Why don’t I feel connected to you? What’s going on?” And he would very kindly say, “I’m totally fine! I haven’t acted out in months, no temptations even. Not masturbating, not looking at porn, nothing.” And I would say, “Then why do you feel so distant? Why does it feel like I can’t connect with you no matter what I do?” And he would say, “I’ve actually felt really close to you lately! Maybe you’re struggling a little with depression. Have you been taking your anxiety meds? Maybe you should have your thyroid tested.”
Gaslighting. And he got a really incompetent counselor on board with the gaslighting too. He got the counselor to believe that he was totally fine and recovered, and the real problem was my anxiety. He and the counselor would meet with me and we’d talk about how the real problem was that I wasn’t trusting my husband enough, I was haranguing him about the past, I was suspicious. All of that was true — I *didn’t* trust him, and I *was* bringing up the past, and I *was* suspicious — with good reason. He wasn’t trustworthy, he was still in his past, and he was doing covert things and could hardly face me (let alone connect with me) because he knew he was guilty. Well, the counselor was pretty surprised when I had him read out loud the email where my husband told his co-worker he daydreamed of f—ing her and was thinking of her 2/3 of the time when he was with me. That’s when the counselor realized: my husband had been using him to gaslight me.
My *new* counselor — if you’re in Utah County, go to Addo Recovery, they’re awesome — says that all addicts have three things in common: (1) They are liars. (2) They are selfish. (3) They have horrible boundaries. She runs groups for addicts, and she tells it to them straight, even though it offends them. She holds their feet to the fire so they can see the truth and have a chance of getting better. She’s right about those three points. Not just for porn addicts. For all addicts.
The addiction only wants its next fix. It doesn’t care what’s in the way. Nothing is more important. Loved ones who want to connect with you — they’re just in the way. Wives who are crying because of how you’ve been treating them — they’re just stopping you with their lame conversation from getting on your computer and getting the fix. An addiction is like a living embodiment of selfishness: it is incapable of putting anyone else first. We’ve all been there, when we’re super, super hot and thirsty, and we’re about to take a long drink of ice water, and someone wants to talk to us. We get bugged and say, “Just leave me alone for a minute and let me get a drink.” Well, an addiction is like that, only 100 times worse. A case of clinical selfishness, an incapacity to let anything — family, job, happiness — be more important. And the addiction has to lie left and right to survive, because survive it must. It even has to lie to the addict himself, telling him that he doesn’t have an addiction, that there’s no such thing as addiction, that what he’s doing is harming no one but himself.
Biggest lie.
Don’t believe it. Concerned, you are wrong in a big way. Addicts *are* hurting their spouses — even the spouses who don’t even know about the addiction. Biggest testament to this — talk to a spouse who went years before they found out about the addiction. And what do they say? “Something was off…something didn’t feel right. I never knew what it was, but something just didn’t feel right.”
I’m not saying all this to make addicts feel bad. If they read this and are still in a toxic shame cycle, it’s going to make them really uncomfortable to hear someone say that yes, they ARE hurting their spouse. But you know what? The only way to fix a problem is to face reality, and this is reality.
Wives of addicts who are reading this — don’t give up! I had to end my marriage, but I still believe in marriage, and I still believe addicts can change. Work your OWN recovery and be well — be happy — whether he is or not. Reach for courage — whether it’s courage to stay, or courage to go, whichever you feel is right. Don’t let anyone influence you out of doing what you feel to do in your heart.
May we all be blessed, addicts and spouses alike, with courage to face reality and change what needs to be changed in our lives.
What Ned is basically saying is this, “if you look at porn and masturbate to it, and then feel guilty about it, it is the church’s fault.”
I have a different perspective as an active LDS man who has been addicted to pornography and masturbation since the age of twelve. Porn and masturbating to porn never made me happy in any way, shape or form. I objectified women, I stopped seeing them as the daughters of God that they are. I only saw them as soulless machines with pleasing bodies. I did not care that these women had hopes, desires, dreams and families. I became more selfish, angry, resentful and started crossing lines that I swore I would never cross. Porn made me an incredibly bad person who never cared about who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted.
I am happy to say that I have not looked at pornography and masturbating to it since April 12, 2014. I have had more than three years of sobriety and recovery. It took a lot of time, effort, sacrifice, and a complete reliance upon God every minute of every day. I need to surrender my lust multiple times each day in order to be free from it. Instead of giving in to porn, I give in to God. I had to give up television, movies and put many restrictions upon myself in order to maintain recovery. And what is the result?
I can look at my wife in the eyes and tell her, “I have stopped looking at naked women I do not know, I have stopped cheating on you, I am able to teach my children right and wrong with a clear conscience. I now have a measure of my agency back. I have a choice about what I am going to do. I will never lie to you again”
From my perspective, Ned is making a molehill out of a mountain. I found out my strength by walking against the wind, not by lying down whenever it comes.
Ned…may I suggest that agency is NOT free. We have a gospel obligation to make moral choices (Elder Boyd K. Packer – Elder Dallin H. Oaks). We are blessed with the eternal ability to “chose” between making a correct choice or an incorrect choice as is taught by Jesus Christ. It is really easy and natural to blame others or an institution for our inability to make correct choices, however, others or institutions will not be held accountable for an individuals (you or me) purposeful choice to participate in amoral and immoral actions. By your own admission you are still fighting a porn addiction. That is the definition of “sexual addiction” (SA). You may never have the ability to retain the Gift of the Holy Ghost because you have stepped away from his gentlemanly influence. We are unclean if SA is the choice that is made…”and no unclean thing can dwell in the presents of God”. You mention that “this is my path and my story…” but may I suggest that you have relied on the arm of flesh to get to “the truth”. Remember, “Wickedness never was [or can be] happiness”.
Rob and Dennis,
You can say I’m making a mistake, but I like to run on science and tests. I told you it doesn’t tempt me like it used to. I’m much more at peace.
Not all nudity is sexual either. TThe church worrying about women covering their shoulders and all that has messed up our minds so we can’t function normally.
Furthermore your addictions are not my addictions. I also experimented with alcohol on purpose and got drunk every weekend for about 8 months. Every weekend it was disgusting, and I haven’t drank in 6 months.
And you said you started as teenagers. Guess what? Most alcoholics started as teenagers too. I would agree potentially addicting substances, including porn, is probably not a good idea for teens.
The church does in fact cause a lot of harm with their dogma. They keep changing as they learn the doctrine is harmful. Go back and read general authorities talks, you’d be surprised with some of the stuff they said. Using birth control? That’s very evil, just ask apostles and prophets from pre-80’s.
The Bishop absolutely is not qualified to handle this. These are issues that need to be moved along to a qualified professional who can provide counseling. I think in many cases, we turn this into a much bigger issue than it should be. We give it more teeth and weight than it should have. It’s a problem, just like overeating or smoking. It can be worked through. It may never be eradicated, but that’s ok. If my spouse had panicked, we wouldn’t still be married. She has her flaws, I have mine. We move forward.
I agree that many bishops are not fully qualified to handle this problem completely, but that is not what the author was suggesting. You, however, are proving many of her points, in the way you have responded. It seems you have not come to terms with the seriousness of your addiction. I hope you can find some good professional counseling and true healing.
Dear “Truth”,
Your story is my story! 25 years ago, no one talked about this and I was so alone. I tried for almost 10 years to help my ex-husband and to keep my temple marriage together. I couldn’t do it any more. I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t even remember who I once was. My ex and his addiction just about destroyed my entire psyche and sense of self worth. I remarried a great guy just over 20 years ago who knew my whole story and background. He was the reason I found myself again and was able to trust and love again. Two months ago I caught him looking at porn and masturbating. I was sick to my stomach. I could tell something wasn’t quite right and that he was a little “off” but when I’d confronted him in the past he made it seem like I was seeing or feeling things that weren’t there. I started getting that “I must be going crazy” feeling again. Turns out, I was right and he’s been lying to me for the last three years! I can’t believe this is happening again. Now I feel like our relationship had been one big lie. Even though he is determined to recover (unlike my ex), I don’t know how our relationship will ever be the same. Porn is a pervasive plague that perverts real love and affection. It has the potential to destroy anyone in its path.
Well said Jeff
There is a comment given by a person called “Twice Betrayed” that I think brings us to an important truth about addiction recovery. The relationship between the partners (or the addict and spouse) will NOT be the same, NOR should it be. While having a relationship with a spouse is not the same as having a relationship with Christ, perhaps we could think of relationship with Christ as a model to explain what I mean.
Having struggled with addiction before joining the Church and experiencing a constant pull back to it since being in the Church, I can attest to how my relationship with Christ has changed over time, as I have changed lifestyle, habits, behaviors, and my living environment. It is the same with my spouse, our relationship has changed over time.
I see addiction as no different. If a person has an addiction (or a habit that, when practiced, is harmful) then perhaps we should think of a relationship of needing to be restored to once was. Why not seek to make it stronger and better than before?
We often hear the question, “Will our relationship ever be the same?” I think that question is setting us up for failure because it is impossible. It is impossible because Christ does not, through His atonement, make us what we once were, He makes us better than we were. Looking back on my struggles, I think I would have had a much better attitude and motivation had I thought of my relationship with Christ and my spouse in that way.
Condemn the sin not the sinner, everybody is different and has struggles within their marriage, Satan is the enemy not the addict. I have struggled with addiction for years, I am a son of God and have an ocean full of regret, yet I can and have been forgiven. My bishop has been a great resource, so have the LDS Recovery meetings, so has AA, so has my wife, so have my parents and other friends, recovery takes time and is extremely difficult but very worth it. God is happier with the repentant sinner than the proclaimed righteous casting stones. Sexual addiction is real and causes real pain to those around the addict and to the addict as well. AA has taught me to look at all addictions as a disease and I shouldn’t treat the alcoholic with any less sympathy and love than I would with someone with cancer. EVERYONE has their struggles in this life, as an addict I hated myself more than anyone else. There seems to be a lot of sympathy lately towards those who struggle with same gender attraction and I am happy to see that. However, I don’t see it any differently than someone who struggle with pornography or cocaine or eating or video games etc…I don’t blame anyone who wants a divorce due to addiction because I don’t know the situation and even if I did it is not my business. My opinion for whatever it is worth is that in my recovery I have needed many resources for help and support, and most importantly I have tried to be a resource for other addicts as well. I had zero hope of recovery until I went to a recovery meeting, anyone can recover if they are willing and I had to ask God to give me the willingness-and He DID!
I think this is a great article and I will be sharing it with all the bishops I know. I agree that the Bishop is not a trained counselor, but he is usually the first person sought out for help. But, pornography and sex are not the issue. They are the RESULT of the issue which is much deeper and requires a counselor. As one of the comments said, an addict hates him or herself more than anyone else could. It is the self-loathing and the reasons behind it that cause them to participate in ANY addiction. You must address the deeper cause or it will continue to resurface over and over again often in a worse way: an affair, prostitution, violent pornography, etc. A trained CSAT therapist knows this. Seek therapy from a qualified therapist, work the 12 step program, work with your spiritual leader, and try not to lose your faith.
This is a great article and I think you are brave for sharing your experience. I was married to a true sex addict for 8 years. Some people don’t have an addictive personality but he did. It started out “small” with a basic airbrushed magazine of naked women. (Side note: The way the photos were airbrushed made it all the more unreal — nobody really looks like that.) Soon that wasn’t enough and it became uglier, raunchier pictures. Soon that wasn’t enough so it became strip clubs. Soon that wasn’t enough and it became chat rooms, movies, etc. As a woman, I felt cheated upon. Additionally, I felt like I had become an object to him. It wasn’t about love; it was about being his toy. I finally left when I knew there was an ACTUAL other woman rather than just fantasies. I wish I had left the marriage years earlier. His addiction impacted my own spirituality. I was exposed to things that were repulsive and demeaning to me. I was SO embarrassed and humiliated that I told NOBODY. Each Sunday, well meaning older sisters would ask when he would start coming to church with me or when we would be sealed in the temple. I felt like I was living a lie. I finally confided in the sister missionaries in our ward. A year later, I left the marriage. Later, he ended up in prison for child molestation. This is PROGRESSIVE and YES, professional help is needed.
I do struggle with the assertion that bishops should ask probing questions about masturbation, etc. I mean, it should be assumed. A man (or woman, depending on the situation) will not be “shamed” into making a change. If they are there confessing because the spouse “required” it, it won’t be sincere. Sometimes, the right answer IS divorce. And I think it’s OK to acknowledge that, too. And yes, it IS cheating and there are consequences for all involved.
For those who really do want to change, a 12 step program along with a mentor or sponsor is key along with professional counseling. Bishops are not well equipped. They are just lay people.
Are LDS men more prone to porn addiction than those in other Christian sects? I’ve read studies that puts porn addiction in “Christian” men at around 20%. Is that what we are facing in the Church? Are 1 in 5 male members in our Church addicted to porn?
What an excellent letter! The principles involved are precise and true. I think the impact could be even a bit more powerful if the author would go through it and correct typos and grammatical content.
The typos and grammar mistakes are on me. Send me any typos you see and I will get them corrected.
The vast majority of people that drink beer aren’t alcoholics. The fast majority of people that eat food don’t have eating disorders. The vast majority of people that look at porn aren’t sex addicts. However, a hungry man is more likely to eat a candy bar if it’s available.
It’s a well known fact that going grocery shopping while hungry has a dramatic effect on what people buy. To say that a man or woman that is not meeting the sexual needs of their spouse is having no impact on the masturbation habits of their partner is naive. People do have physical needs. If those needs aren’t being met by their spouse then they will start looking elsewhere.
Brent,
I appreciate your honest comment, but there are many problems with this perspective:
First, any pleasure can become an addiction and all addicts justify their addiction as a “need.” Of course people drink, but it is when their drinking begins to violate themselves and others around them that it becomes an addiction. When anything becomes a “need” that is when it approaches an addiction. The human body does not “need” alcohol and those that social drink are not doing it because they are fulfilling a “need.” The human body does not need a candy bar, though it is a nice treat from time to time, it is when the person feels they “need” junk food that eating becomes a problem. The human body does not “need” sex to survive and if anyone justifies that “need” by betraying a spouse they are on a dangerous path.
Second, sex is more emotional than any addiction or need that you have mentioned. It has the power to establish a deeper relationship with a spouse, not to mention the power to create life. If one is pleasuring them self because they think sexual pleasure is “needed” then don’t be surprised when emotional connection is lost with the spouse. Connecting emotionally does not begin with sex, it ends with sex. If sex isn’t happening it isn’t a sex problem, it’s a symptom of a relationship problem. Nobody is justified in masturbating because the partner is “not giving of them self emotionally.” It violates the purpose of sex, and the purpose of sex is not survival.
Third, the difference between sex and all the other “needs” you listed is that it requires a two people to happen. Sure, one could argue it doesn’t, but if you are a believer in the plan of salvation and that God created our bodies with the ability to create only with another person, then this is a dangerous path and will not end well.
Fourth, in the context of this article and discussion we are talking about someone who is addicted, not someone who is hungry. Justifying one’s actions by pointing to another is more proof that addiction exists.
There’s no question that porn and masturbation are indeed addictive. The question is the harm that it does. There is also the idea that it is a gateway to more serious behavior – not necessarily the case.
I’m going to discuss porn and masturbation, because it is different than physically getting another relationship. The two are not related. So much of the pain caused is self created through judgement and the feeling of betrayal. Yet it is only betrayal if you consider it as cheating, which means you equate it with sex and relationships, but then the article describes it as not related to sex, but a coping mechanism (which is accurate). They are not the same thing.
You really notice this when you look outside the Church. You will notice that porn and masturbation has almost no effect on relationships, and often becomes shared or just seen as a harmless behavior.
It only becomes a problem when the spouse insists on seeing it as a form of cheating – which we’ve already ascertained that it isn’t (although that’s the common justification for the ultra harsh judgments on those struggling with it). Our culture uses it to feed an already paranoid feminine culture always obsessing on their looks and deficiencies. Your comment on it being a betrayal demonstrates that kind of extreme attitude. In reality, as the article mentioned, it’s less about sex and more about coping – it creates a dopamine rush.
None of this is to say that there’s nothing wrong with porn or masturbation, but we have become fixated on it in a very unhealthy manner. I see men who actually cheat get treated better than someone who otherwise may be a model spouse with the exception of dealing with their addiction.
A healthier understanding and reaction would make overcoming and managing, and getting through it much better for everyone – particularly the spouse of the addict, and not destroy families.
The justifications made by some in this thread are laughable. There is no situation where pornography has saved a marriage – nonetheless, the spouse of any addict is facing an untenable situation. There is a tremendous amount of “counseling up” and denigrating Bishops for teaching the Gospel. The multiple statements of “Bishops are not competent to counsel in this matter” is not entirely correct. Bishops are probably not equipped for long term counseling in these matters, nor should they be asked to do so, but they are trained in how to best handle these issues when they are approached – which is to teach correct principles and propose options of professional counseling. Bishops don’t ask for their position or the opportunity to face critical issues such as this. Blaming them all is unproductive. No doubt, mistakes are made, they are lay ministers doing the best they can. There are certain things Bishops are counseled not to say, and in fact are enjoined against saying. For example, they are counseled not to recommend divorce, even if they think it may be a solution. That conclusion must be reached by the spouse. The Bishop also will not judge someone adversely for divorcing their spouse. There are more cases where members go to their Bishop looking for either absolution for their sins, or instant solutions and punishment for their spouse. The Bishop will usually tell them what he must, and many of us can’t handle the truth and leave upset. I feel someone here needs to give the Bishops a break – they didn’t cause the member’s problem, and they can’t fix it.
Concerned:
It is a common worldly assumption that declaring it a problem makes it a problem. They assume that if you simply adopt the attitude that “you need to be OK with this” that it will be fine. Some few people seem to be able to pretend sufficiently to make it appear so, but most continue to struggle and don’t want to admit they have concerns about it because “you’re not suppose to have concerns with it”. Those that do are declared to have various maladies or acceptance issues.
Erectile dysfunction has it’s roots in porn watching and other such unhealthy sexual activities (there are other unrelated causes, but this is a primary one). The brain’s appetites are re-wired and the real woman finds herself on the outside. It creates a very unhealthy mental condition during sex for both parties, the addict seeking a release and imaginings of the preferred idols, and the partner feeling degraded because they can tell the mind and attention of the other is elsewhere.
exactly
Good insights. I guess my two cents would be that there really are different levels of involvement which can’t successfully be dealt with in the same way. It’s important to understand that each situation is different and though all usage is damaging not every user is an addict. If that’s too unbelievable read it from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/10/recovering-from-the-trap-of-pornography?lang=eng&cid=facebook-shared
This is good. However it leaves out much of the destruction that goes on in families. It causes divorce. Love loss. It causes deep seeded pain, the spouse of the addict feels less than in almost every area. They feel they are not sexy enough, sexual enough, pretty or handsome enough, they just never feel like they ate enough. Often so defeated they stay in the marriage feeling they can’t do any better. If anyone thinks it’s being hidden from the children, it’s not. They know. They also feel the resentment and turmoil. And for some children, this exposure is their gateway into open.
My husband’s experience with the bishop? 1 session. Within a month or two he was given a higher calling. We are divorced several years now. My children, adults now, have often walked in on him while watching porno and at least one had walked in on him having sex with his girlfriend. Yet, he still holds a position in the church, sits on the second row and holds a temple recommend.
This is a good letter. I had a bishop tell me to Forgive him, Forget what I know and just move on!! I was in total shock at that comment. HOW does one forget something they JUST found out about and didn’t know was an issue for 20 years!! Needless to say talking to the Bishop did not help me at all.
I disagree with your first point. Perhaps more physical intimacy may not deter an addict, but it works very well in keeping the “average joe” away from the random use of pornography.
After your singular experience with your bishop, you seem to want to paint all bishops with the same broad brush. You don’t give LDS bishop’s near enough credit. Also, there are ways a bishop can detect the problem without asking about strip clubs, etc.
On the other hand, your article gives much very helpful insight. This is an insidious addiction, involving the brain, the soul, and unearthly strong biochemistry. Thank you for you help.
When you are married to an addicted spouse, you spend a lot of time listening to stories of other spouses of addicts. This “singular” experience is one that actually occurs extremely frequently!!!
My husband’s patriarchal blessing specifically tells him to avoid pornography. And yet it’s been a problem in our 30 years of marriage. Even when we were having sex every day he still sought out pornography. Now it’s to the point where he can’t perform sexually with me. And he always has blamed me with the argument that if we had more sex he wouldn’t do it. It’s a vicious cycle now. I don’t want to be intimate with him because I feel ugly compared to the porn actors, not to mention that he can’t get aroused without porn, then he looks at more porn because I don’t want to be intimate. He refuses to admit he has a problem. Our kids don’t respect him because they see the hurt he causes. And now they won’t let their kids spend the night because they don’t want them exposed to that. I know that this is a true addiction but that doesn’t make it any easier for me.
I’m so glad you shared your story. Telling the truth and not hiding from it is the first step to making a change. I was married to a p*** addict and a sex addict for eight years and it was a very difficult thing in our marriage. It changed my desire to be with him intimately and I gained a lot of weight as a psychological way of keeping him from me or from wanting me. It did not work, he still wanted to be with me sexually and everyone else. It is an addiction it is an ugly addiction. And sometimes the answer is to get out of the relationship as it was for me. I’m not telling you what is right for you, but the unhealthy Behavior damages relationships and Families. The problems come when the person with the addiction does not want to get help. I don’t know your exact situation, but you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have a healthy relationship. We all do. Satan is Alive and Well try to ruin families. Hang in there the atonement fixes all.
As I sit here and read all the shaming that continues to be puked out about how addictive porn and sex is, it hurts to see how many are still convinced that there is such a thing as these addictions… there is not and never has been an addiction of PORN, MASTERBATION, SEX… look for your self in the DSM vol 5 which is what DR’s refer to for curling diseases… https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/practice/dsm.
Religions, and i speak of most not all, have let satan bring in to it, as Paul taught the precepts of man mingled with scriptures, and is what the savior taught Joseph smith in the sacred grove…
Man brought masterbation, to the table as a sin, not God, man also condemned plural marriage not God, man created porn, Satin shames it just as he did with Adam and eve in the garden…see you are naked… quick hide… and he does it through religion, the gospel of jesus christ…through MEN again… find me one revelation from God that says MASTERBATION is a sin. you cant, you can find adultery is, stealing, lying…
not enough sex and orgasms is what is causing all the depression and anxiety’s and weight gain in our world today… do the home work…
you take any good lds person having normal sex and film it you will have to call it porn even if it were the prophet of god… why? we have become so conditioned that sex and or anything like it… Masterbation, oral sex (a man made term) neither of which CAN creates life as sex CAN. but if satan can shame these and make them bad through religion… we wont allow our selfs the enjoyment that God created our bodies to enjoy. solo or mutually… as one who has studied porn. you dont see very many fat, or over weight porn stars and in fact most porn today, show them showing how to enjoy sex…
and if we allow ourselves to watch it with the spirit to learn how help our spouses orgasm the best way and enjoy it we could learn something heaven forbid…
do the home work and dont be afraid, to get a little porn on you… Prayer, and the atonement will wash away shame if you end up with any. and hopefully you will come to see and understand sex was given to us as a tool to be enjoyed…The only purpose for the clit is for pleasure and it in reach for a reason… ENJOY and stop the shaming.
My ex-husband struggled with pornography, but that was just a symptom. While expecting our second child, he informed me that he had been dealing with same sex attraction since the age of eleven. It was like being punched in the stomach and having the wind knocked out of me. But I was willing to stay and work on the marriage. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that the SSA was also just a piece of the puzzle. Fourteen years later when extreme depression had taken over my life and my three children were struggling emotionally, at the urging of a counselor, I took the children and fled from the house one day when their father was gone. I filed for divorce.
As part of the court proceedings, the family had a have a mental health evaluation. The children and I were diagnosed with Chronic PTSD, and my husband was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Although, at the time I left, I really did think that I was the cause of most of the marital problems, because of my lack of love, support and understanding. But because I was never physically abused, I never questioned his brainwashing. His struggle with same sex attraction was my fault; his problems with pornagraphy was my fault; his lack of a good job was my fault; his intense temper and rage, was my fault; his obligation to punish (abuse) the children, was somehow my fault too. Of course, it was only our family who knew the ugly secret of what life was like in our home.
My husband had been counseling with our former Bishop, now the Stake President, for help with SSA and pornography. As a result, when I filed for divorce it soon became evident who was at fault for the marriage failing, mine. When the children refused to have any contact with their father, local church leaders knew again who was at fault . They could care less what the evaluation had concluded, or what the children said. In the end, as my ex-husband continued with callings in priesthood leadership, except for a few people, neither our local church leaders nor members showed support for the children or me. I was no longer welcomed in church. I was the one to be cast out. Throughout the horrors of what had happened, I don’t think anything was a painful as this.
It has been several years. The children and I have moved away from the city where their father still lives. They are grown now and have no contract with their father. My son even legally changed his last name. They have all worked hard to recover from the emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Even though there are still scars, they are doing well. They are kind, honest, hardworking and compassionate. They consider themselves atheists and are very antagonistic toward any religion, but they hold a special contempt for the LDS church.
After being inactive for several years, through the long and difficult process of healing, I have been able to come back to the gospel and forgive.
My greatest prayer is that others, men or women, would not have to experience such a hell on earth that was compounded by priesthood leaders. How different outcomes could be if priesthood leaders heeded your wisdom. Maybe, and most likely, they are not being told the whole truth. The spouse does need to be able to speak freely, without feeling blame. They are in need of succoring. For them, home and/or church can be a very lonely and scary place. They need to be heard, not just listened to, but heard. And if a situation is beyond a leader’s understanding, in addition to prayer and fasting, maybe they should also seek advice from other leaders and professionals.
It’s hard to know where to start with this but I truly hope bishops and stake presidents do not take the advice given in this article. While I agree that leaders need to be educated, addiction models for addressing the issues will cause more harm than good. It would be great if you could get a therapist like Natasha Helfer Parker on your podcast to talk about this because the entire premise of addiction is off-base.
I’ve reached out but have not heard back from her. If you have a connection I’d love to talk with her.
This is an issue happening at an alarming rate. So many individuals are impacted by pornography. We must realize we are battling Satan! He knows that sex gives us the power to create life. Extremely sacred. Satan has done all he can to cheapen that which is most sacred. He has twisted and distorted reality. It is a very real addiction. I can relate completely to the feelings in this article- all the assumptions being made, etc. I went through this addiction with my ex-husband. My current husband has been there with his ex-wife. Both were pornography addicts (my ex was a sex addict) both progressed to adulterous relationships, and unfortunately, I had to watch it progress to abuse (“I’m feeling animalistic!” Throw me down…) and even attempted murder. It is a very real and very quick progressing addiction. My heart breaks for the young children who are exposed and struggle with this throughout life.
I tried so hard to keep my children protected and safe from pornography. I refused to let my kids go to sleepovers because statistics show that is where most are exposed to pornography for the first time. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of allowing one of my sons “friends” stay at OUR house. Thinking it would be safe. Not so. My son was exposed to pornography in our own home, by a “friend.”
Satan is not holding back. He doesn’t care who is hurt by this. He is trying to take out as many as possible. We must fight! Pornography isn’t about being pretty enough– you should have seen some of the ragged and rough looking faces on those porn models I tore off a shed wall. When spouses realize the porn viewing is not because you aren’t “good enough” it’s because of an addicts sickness and lack of control to Satan– you don’t need to take it personally. It isn’t about you. It’s about the addict. It’s their weakness, not yours. It is difficult when they blame you- but that is a defense mechanism for guilt. Forgiveness and trust ARE two different things! I really wish people understood that one too. I appreciate this article. Good points.
I did not read all of the comments so maybe someone else has the same comment.
The Bishop and Stake President that are attempting to handle a SA in my extended family are making a extreme error. Our person has had a SA for almost all of his life. Has gone for extreme therapy and still has the problem. If the Bishop had put him on Bishop’s council or had dis-fellowshipped the individual when it was apparent that the behavior wasn’t changing the marriage could have survived.
I find it impossible to believe that a person that has a SA could pass the interview for a temple recommend. Obviously that person has been lying when answering the following two questions;
5 Do you live the law of chastity?
6 Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
In our case the person has had no consequences for his SA so he continues because he probably believes that if it were so bad there would have been some action.
Believe me, Bishop and SP, by going easy you are not doing anyone a favor except maybe satan.
My marriage ended due to numerous addictions, pornography being very huge. My husband was in a stake calling with young single adults at the time I discovered his addiction and the severity of it. It was brought to the attention of our home ward bishop and stake president along with the stake president and bishop of the YSA ward he was serving in. He lied about everything and has never had any consequences. Maintained his calling, temple recommend, etc. I felt extremely invalidated for the pain and suffering I went through because there were no consequences for him and there was seemingly no inspiration from said clergy. I have had to come to grips with the fact that I can only be responsible for my own salvation and he will have to answer for himself. It has been very difficult for me to continue in faith that bishops and stake presidents are always inspired.
Thanks for this letter to bishops. It has been needed for many, many years. Years and years ago, I was told by a well meaning bishop that I needed to be more sexually available to my husband when I went to him for counseling. You see, I have been married to a man with a pornography addiction for over 50 years. I learned about his habit after we had been married a few years, but chose to ignore it because I didn’t feel it was really a big problem and I didn’t know what to do about it anyway. Over the years, whenever I found his pornography I would always destroy it as quickly as possible so the children would not be exposed. That was in the days before computers. We never talked about it early on. It wasn’t until my 3rd child, who was an adult at the time and was married and expecting her 3rd child, told me that she was snooping for Christmas presents when she was 5 years old and found his pornography. What does a 5 year old do with that kind of information? I was appalled and horrified to know that I didn’t do enough to protect my precious children. I then began to understand that pornography has affected every one of our 7 children in one way or another – some are addicted as well, and 5 of the 7 left church activity around the age of 16. One has adopted a gay lifestyle after being endowed in the temple because she felt she was more attracted to women then men. Could this have been because she was exposed to pornography (mostly naked female bodies) at a very young age?
I confronted my husband about his pornography use and he agreed to go to Addiction Recovery programs and to private counseling over the next several years. He continues using pornography and I forgive and forgive and forgive. We still don’t talk about it, but we haven’t been sexually intimate for about 10 years. As my body aged and changed, and I knew I wasn’t able to give him what he “needed” anymore, I began to politely decline any sexual advances. This has not increased nor diminished his use of pornography. I know of the self-loathing that he feels, but I can’t change him. He needs to want to change himself bad enough that he is willing to do something about it. I have done all I feel I can do to help him. We still hug and kiss and I still love him, but in a very different way than I used to. His addiction is just the surface effect of some very deep and troubling issues that were probably caused by his parents alcoholism while he was growing up. He has never “cheated” on me with another woman (that I know of), but I still feel that he has cheated on me, and that I’m not enough to satisfy him. I still feel that I can in no way compete with those “air brushed” images that he chooses to look at. Say what you want, and think what you want, but having lived with his pornography addiction for decades, I believe that pornography addiction can and probably will destroy, or profoundly affect the lives of the addicts family members. My heart goes out to all men and women, addicts and spouses of addicts because I know somewhat of the struggle and heartache pornography addiction causes.
I apologize for this lengthy comment, but it has been just a little bit therapeutic for me. So I thank you all for your indulgence.
Excellently written and advice that is meaningful.
As a current serving Bishop and having served before also, I found this article and comments very interesting. From experience I have found that what you see in the community (re statistics), is pretty much similar at Church. So I look at my Ward and much a number of assumptions and then try to teach the necessary doctrine, either in interviews or in a class.
I have dealt with domestic violence, loveless marriage, anxiety and depression, attempted suicide, unfulfilled life goals ( many single adults), apathy, members who say ‘No’, immorality in all it’s forms, drug taking, sexting, an ageing Ward…….
If members are honest, a Bishop can help in all of these areas and more with the Keys of the Priesthood that we receive. It is an amazing, spiritual blessing to see how the Lord move’s through his Bishop. The process is simple. Trust the Lord, trust his Bishop and you can overcome the World also. Even though a lot of days are very hard, the Lord’s grace is available and should be actively sought for each day.
We are exposed to Pornography at different levels EVERY day. We must recognise this and turn away until it becomes our nature to do so. Put off the natural man and become a saint through the atonement.
What strengthens me each day is looking after my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical self. Immerse yourself in Gen Conf Talks, pray with real intent, serve, repent daily, meditate, be fit, find balance…have fun, love your family, look for opportunities to share the gospel every day. Let your Bishop ‘ Be Bishop’. He is the Lord’s representative.
Yup. First thing the Stake President asked me, “Are you being intimate enough?” IT. WAS . NEVER. ENOUGH. This was 30 years ago. When I found his stash while cleaning house he blamed it on the children!! Oh, how I could have used a support system then. I divorced him 9 years ago and have had tremendous peace since. PTSD is real but manageable without his presence. I’ll let The Lord judge me for leaving.
I am a man, and I am an addict. This article is spot on! I love all of the bishops I have worked with, yet all 10 of them could have used this information to help me find true recovery sooner than I have.
To the many who have minimized the problem or attempted to make evil good are in denial and continuing the rationalization. Addiction is a progressive problem. If true recovery is not sought diligently, through a support group, a sponsor, a therapist, and rigorously/ daily “Working the program”, a pornography addiction, at some point, will eventually lead to physical, sexual interaction with others. I have seen it too often amongst those with whom I work to maintain recovery from this addiction. While I never reached that point in my addiction, I recognize the ever so slow progression of the addiction over many years. Also, the many behaviors of addicts, that result from acting out in any form, inevitably, whether you’re willing to admit it or not, negatively impacts the behavior and interactions of all relationships the addict has.
It is naïve and self preserving to presume that a sex addict Who does not engage in physical intimacy outside of marriage does not affect others. If nothing else, the simple loss of the Spirit by even the smallest form of lust impacts interactions with others because of actions countrary to eternal truth!
I also want to recommend Dr. Hilton’s book, “he restores my soul,” and the inspired addiction recovery program of the church. It was a Dr. Hilton fireside that helped me recognize my addiction for what it is, which unfortunately I nor my many prior bishops did not identify.
Thank you for your gold, accurate and supportive article. My wife also applauds your courage and support for spouses of addicts and of addicts. God bless you!
I love this article because it finally sheds light on a dark, non spoken topic. I’m concerned though that divorce was not addressed and forgiveness stressed. I have read all the follow up comments and they were very healing thank you!! I am divorcing my husband who never knew what emotional communication is. I was a sex slave for 39 years. No emotional exchange. I learned not to trust him emotionally. He never cheated on me but he never shared his feelings. How do you even begin to heal something like that when he is totally clueless to what he has done to me? I feel sometimes, a spouse needs to make the tough descion and save their own soul and divorce. Staying in such circumstances puts the spouse in spiritual danger. Of course every situation is different but no Bishop ever helped me, only told me to go back home to my husband and work it out. Well. I crawled out finally…. and I’m finally healing…
Good for you! Fight the good fight. God does not want us to remain in a relationship that damages our soul. Divorce is the answer for many people & if the SA were a drug addict or alcoholic who never stopped Bishops would advise divorce. Bc it’s SA everyone pretends the problem is not damaging to the addict & those he destroys on his way down. No bishops ever helped me either. And the fact is IF a Bishop is truly in tune with the spirit then he would be able to give counsel that actually helps the person seeking said counsel. Please stay strong, know you are loved & do not let anyone make you feel less than an amazing child of God who deserves to be happy.
Are we women/men, who are single/widowed and looking for a spouse, to run the other way if we are told by the SA person they have the problem? or are we to not be judgmental and keep on loving/dating them?
Is hypnosis used/ successful with SA?
I think it is a great letter although, like anything to do with the topic of sexuality and addictive behavior, it cannot cover all the enormously complex issues around this topic. I have had training in A & D interventions and assessments particularly for adolescents. As a subset I read and did some additional training in sexual addiction (because so many A & D addicts also have concurrent SA) and also some work on the rehabilitation of men who sexually offend. In the context of this training and background (volunteer work as opposed to my profession) I offer the following observations:
* There is a continuum of involvement with pornography from casual occasional use to abuse to addiction just as there is in all addictive behaviors. Not all viewing is addictive and not all people who view pornography are or will become addicts. Thus the solutions cannot be ‘one size fits all’.
* There is also a continuum of Bishops and their ability to respond to this problem. Some are ill-equipped and say unwittingly hurtful things whereas others are an excellent resource who give sage advise. The majority today (and it didn’t used to be the case) recognize quickly the need for outside professionals and make the necessary referrals.
* When dealing with a person who is truly addicted to porn the journey to sobriety is long and difficult. Sexual addiction is perhaps the most powerful of all the addictions when one examines the effects on the neurological pathways and is only outstripped by severe eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia in terms of treatment difficulty. Most addicts have a variety of pre-disposing childhood issues that have contributed to the addiction beyond the obvious things like viewing porn at a young age. Addicts make relationship choices unconsciously in a way that reinforces the addiction and long term successful outcomes require dealing with the family of origin and spouse co-dependency issues. Not all of these issues can be solved and keeping the marriage intact, for some spouses of addicts, separation and even divorce can be the only healthy way forward for both the addict and the spouse.
* Pornography is destructive and insidious and the church rightly preaches against it. However it is easy for the injunctions against it to inform some priesthood leader attitudes that lead to excessive shaming and assumptions of addiction when the porn viewer is not an addict and most likely may never become one. Leaders need to be gentle, careful and nurturing and to not overreact in the situations that aren’t full blown addictions.
* Human sexuality is complex and so the treatment of disorders in this field can be equally complex and so the best course of action for a bishop is to get the best help as early as possible but help that is appropriate to the circumstance of the person seeking help.
Just my 2c worth.
Church culture has set very high unhealthy standards, I wish repentance process was easier, but with spouses unwillingness to forget and forgive and understand well any wonder why it’s better not to confess.
Yes men have to do their part, but so do women. We’re in this together, but we suffer apart.
SA groups & therapists don’t always work that great!
My frustrating, complex, game of intimacy in marriage.
First off I want to say my wife is intelligent, spiritual and beautiful. My wife talked about the excitement and anticipation of sex before we were married, sometimes openly and freely and then after marriage, I found out it was lots and lots of talk. I was constantly lead on, things like, “and after this let’s go up to the bedroom and…”, and the when it came time I was rejected over and over and over. It took years before I learned a period didn’t last 2 weeks! It seems like people in porn (which to me is anything that is sexually stimulating, from a couple making out in a romantic comedy to full on graphic sex) seem to all enjoy sex and want to have it and actually do. To them there isn’t a lot of needed complex strategy and effort or work before intimacy.
For me, intimacy most often seems like a difficult, complex puzzle that begins hours before I want to have sex. I have to say and do just the right thing, in the right order. If I say or do one thing that my wife disagrees with, that’s it, I get nothing. Then, if I do and say all the right things, in the right order, then perhaps there might be something tonight. Then, 95% of the time, I will have to initiate the process; most of the time it’s at night, under the sheets, in the dark. (Men are visual they want to see. They don’t just want to have an orgasm in the dark and call that sex.) If I advance too fast, it’s off, to slow and she is asleep or rejects me. I have to touch and caress everything just the right way, and then, if all the stars have aligned over the last few hours, I can pleasure her and then I get a condom on (she refuses any other type of birth control) and do all the work and clean up as she falls asleep. This happens 2 or 3 times in about a weeks’ time frame and then nothing for another month. Even special days like anniversaries and birthdays don’t seem to matter. Every few months we would have really good passionate sex, perhaps she would wear something sexy if I was really lucky, and I would think that was great and she seemed to like it too. I wondered why she didn’t want to repeat that. Then several months would go by playing this game of trying to have sex. This has been the typical process from the beginning of marriage and now for decades of married life.
Satan tempts men to have sex and women to get distracted with other things (Facebook, friends, Instagram, hobbies) and not to have it. Both have similar consequences.
I do not know if my story is like others. Perhaps mine is unique but I think not.
Intimacy shouldn’t have to be such a delicate, one-sided process. Every night I wonder if this could be the night did I say everything right do I have the energy to play the game again. With porn it’s not. They seem to want it and are enjoy providing it. So occasionally after weeks of playing this intimacy game I get very frustrated and urge just gets to me and I’ll look and get these great, satisfied feelings inside, then I have this horrible guilty feeling about ruining my eternal salvation and then carry the double burden of very little intimacy from my wife while trying to satisfy these incredibly strong natural desires I was born with, and the guilt of looking at stimulating images that I know are not good for me to do.
Bob:
You are not alone. You have done a pretty good job of describing my married life (20+ years now). In fact, in the last year we decided to have another kid (its been 10 years) and yet I was still lucky to have any level of intimacy more than once every other month. If I brought up the fact that she wanted another kid, which normally requires sex, then I would be in the dog house for another week. I’m not allowed to approach her in any intimate manner once we are in bed, though she gets upset if I don’t regularly kiss her or hold her hand in public.
My wife has some issues (obviously) that stem from family (now in jail) while she was a kid. So I don’t blame her and I try to accept her as she is. BUT between feeling snubbed, not feeling as if I had a right to intimacy, and the increase of the internet, I fell into pornography after about 4 years into our marriage. (It doesn’t help that I was raised with the idea that masturbation was a natural outlet and was in fact encouraged to do it if it helped me handle married life. Until recently, I never once heard that masturbation was wrong from a church perspective; and was raised in the church.)
Bob, it is rough to live this way. I don’t know if I was ever fully addicted to pornography, but I do still have trials. I’ve learned my triggers. I have talked to church leaders (that I trusted; many bishops I don’t trust and don’t understand) and the best thing that I was told was, “I’m not a counselor, contact so and so if you need help overcoming this. Let me know how I can help. If you need help with repentance after meeting with the counselor, then come see me again.”. I wasn’t guilted.
In my case, I have had to learn and accept that my wife doesn’t want sex. I had to accept that we may never have sex again. But that is the price that I’m willing to pay for my marriage. I also had to come clean with her. I told her everything. I tell her everything. I even tell her that I’m frustrated with her because of it all.
I still love her and she still loves me.
As someone who has had family members caught up in pornography I can empathise with the heartache that the wife or husband has to suffer when there seems little help or understanding available to them. It is such a personal subject to discuss and I can understand how our BIshop’s must feel when they are approached and try to listen, and counsel with those seeking help when they are not professional Counsellors . I hope a programme will be available first of all to train our Bishop’s first but I do not agree with it being discussed on a fifth Sunday. I would be reluctant to bring an investigator to church if I knew this was the case . I have attended fifth Sundays when Missionary work has been discussed which can be presented spiritually but so often tells us how to get people in the church using examples which are not appropriate in front of investigators . There is a right time for everything but for me I want to go to church to be uplifted by the spirit . I cannot see how this would be uplifting on the Sabbath day .
We must not forget the importance of personal revelation for the sufferer of a spouse with any addiction. Some spouses are prompted to stay with the spouse and other times they are prompted to leave – temporally or permanently. All that matters is that the spouse of the addict get and stay as close to the Lord and His revelations as possible. Then peer pressure, family pressure, even local ward culture will have no effect. The spouse will do God’s will, leaving the addict to incur all consequences of his/her behavior … the good and the bad.
I had an in-law whose husband struggled with pornography addiction for five years. The young lady was faithful and supportive to her husband in his weakness. They sought counseling and spiritual counseling form their priesthood leaders. However, her husband refused to take the necessary steps to recovery and remain. He abused her in their most intimate places in their home. He verbally abused her in public and would degrade her looks, figure, and personality. After five years of this she pleaded with the Lord what to do and the answer came, “You have done all you can. For your safety, it is time to leave.” So she left him. Many in the family criticized her, blaming her for making the matter worse. But that is not for anyone to decide or gossip about. Like Noah shutting the arc, sometimes the right answer is to leave.
I haven’t been able to read through all the comments, so perhaps what I am about to say has been said.
A wife is not qualified to diagnose an addiction, and neither is a bishop (unless of course they have a dual role as a qualified therapist). I believe much of what we call addiction in the church is not true addiction. It can be problematic to label something as such when it is not – an addiction is addressed completely different than a habit. If you want your spouse to really get help, you will go to a qualified person, not the bishop, and you will address the problem as what it is, whether that is an addiction or not.
Let the bishop treat the sin and offer support, but let the therapist take care of the healing of the individual and the couple. A bishop doesn’t need to be told to ask detailed questions because he should not be the one asking them.
(As a side note, the ARP, while a great resource, is usually staffed by volunteers who are not trained therapists. They might be helpful but there needs to be a separate therapeutic plan in place if there is truly an addiction).
I have a hard time believing any bishop would tell a wife she should just have more sex with her husband. I’ve had some experience with this topic and have never heard of that happening. If it happened to Sara or those she talked to, it shouldn’t have and she should talk to a higher authority about that because it’s ecclesiastical abuse, in my opinion.
I’m a therapist and bishop’s wife. I think it’s great to offer a resource to people, but it’s only helpful it it’s actually helping and if people are diagnosed correctly. I hear a lot of LDS women call their husbands addicts if they view porn occasionally, and that leads to a loss of hope which isn’t helpful for the couple. Would it deflate you if you were called an addict and your story told for the world to hear if a few times a year you gorged yourself on chocolate? Yes, there is SA and a lot of Mormons suffer from it, but it’s not an automatic label that we should put on people.
I find it interesting that you as a therapist will play the SA game? There is and never has been a SA addiction definition or diagnosis… in the DSM 5 or any other? so why cant you and all therapists get on the same page? for the same reason bishops and other church leaders are not all on the same page. It’s not an addiction but it is something to shame people with. when 1 bishop can show me a thus saith the lord… masterbation is a sin, or SA is a sin, I will believe but not 1 has ever been able to. how can it be ok for 1 and not ok for another person? one dr will cure prostate cancer with masterbation another will cut it off. go figure…it would be nice if all you therapist would figure it out and all be on the same sheet of music or get off the shame buss. and stop causing more guiilt
I used the terminology because that’s what was used in the podcast and article, and because I do think there can be addiction to sexual behaviors, as there can be to any behavior. Here is a link to an interesting piece regarding the DSM-V. You can see that it’s a complicated topic even in the therapeutic community. Thus, your comment to get on the same page would be really nice, but there are very different opinions about this, and ESPECIALLY in the lds community. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201212/sex-addiction-beyond-the-dsm-v
I have zero desire to cause more guilt and I actually tend to agree with you about how bishops deal with masturbation and porn. I don’t want to say too much about that because this is a faithful lds site and I happen to disagree with my bishop husband about this, but porn use and masturbation can be very normal behaviors and should not always be stigmatized. In fact, I would say the “addict” label on these things should be the exception and not the rule.
Rather than talk about it in SA terms, let’s use a completely different example. Let’s say an OCD behavior like washing hands just to keep things simple. Is washing your hands a problem? No. Is washing your hands often a problem? Probably not. Is obsessing about when you can wash your hands next even though you just washed them a problem? Could be. Handwashing is a victimless behavior, as most of the world would argue porn use and especially masturbation is. And yet, if a person’s life is revolving around it, they are obsessing about it constantly, it is causing problems in their relationships, etc. they might have a problem that a therapist can help with. That’s all. My point is just that a wife is not qualified to call this an addiction. A bishop is also not qualified. And calling it an addiction can be problematic when you are trying to change a behavior that is detrimental to your life.
A quick example Someone I know had a porn issue to the extent that they essentially stopped working in order to view porn all day. Even rented office space under the guise of running a business just to have a place away from home to do it. “Supported” the family with credit cards. When this was found out, there was a problem. Call it an addiction or call it whatever you want, but the fact that this person had driven his family into debt and crashed his career over it is incredibly troublesome and he needed help. Thankfully, he got it and is doing well, and his wife stayed with him. I don’t know if his therapist referred to it as an addiction or not. But it doesn’t really matter – the behavior was causing a huge issue and it was addressed. Without the help of the church, I might add (other than a referral). The way it should be, I believe.
My preference would be that the furthest church leaders would go into our sex lives would be the question, “Do you live the law of chastity?”. If that brings up other issues, then make the referral and don’t get into trying to be a therapist when you aren’t.
That’s just my opinion. Others (and yes, even other therapists) might disagree. I wish it were a perfect diagnostic and therapeutic world but it isn’t. These issues are complicated. And for some reason, this sex thing in the LDS church is especially loaded more so than it is in other places. I don’t think we view sex in a very healthy way, and that actually takes this pornography thing underground more often than it should.
I thank the author for her candid writing. And I appreciate the generally productive tone of the comments. In the interest of a balanced discussion, I will share a few thoughts. As an LDS man who has viewed pornography on and off over several decades, the line of the article that resonated most with me was: “… the addict does not know how to deal with life and pornography/masturbation is his coping mechanism.” When life is crashing down on you, and especially when the emotional connection with your spouse is lacking, pornography and masturbation are largely efforts to find some relief from the burdens of life, a (misguided) attempt to experience the trust, companionship, and closeness an ideal marriage should contain. In this context, and having spent many years thinking on the topic, I offer a few observations. In no particular order:
— Most males do not choose their high interest in all things sexual. Thus, it seems wrong to induce guilt in a man or boy because he has an intense sex drive. Blame God. Blame natural selection. Maybe don’t blame anybody. But certainly don’t blame the person — it’s not a conscious choice.
— Mormon culture magnifies the issue, labeling curiosity and/or occasional pornography exposure as addiction. Thus, for many LDS, natural feelings of arousal lead to unnecessary shame. I think LDS culture gives pornography more power than it deserves. The fear-inducing language we hear so often from church leaders grants pornography an unwarranted grip, villainizing the very urges that come pre-packaged in the overwhelming majority of male minds. Recent research out of BYU seems to support this line of thinking: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201704/religious-conflict-makes-porn-bad-relationships
— Because sex is such a taboo topic in LDS culture, I think we’re sexually immature in general. Ideally we should teach youth how to have a healthy sexual relationship, one with nuance and exploration.
— Speaking for myself, it’s taken a long time to stop feeling (extremely) guilty for having looked at pornography for so long. Realizing that I was created a certain way has helped immensely. But I came to that realization entirely on my own after two decades of (largely unnecessary, in my opinion) guilt. I don’t want others to go through the same process.
I hope someone finds something useful in my observations.
Ym need to be taught to come clean and treat the addiction before marriage…and to disclose the past struggle to their future wife. Nothing prepared me for the betrayal of “good mormon boy” addicted to porn. Nothing. It is disgusting and it totally destroyed love and trust. I can’t get past it. The lies, the sneakiness, my naivety, the betrayal. Sometimes I want a do over.
You are not alone. Many male returned missionaries have this addiction & lie about it. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. When it happened to me, I thought I was alone. I thought my return missionary who I married for enternity was the only one addicted to porn! He was not. He did not bother to tell me despite the fact that he had struggled with it since he was 13 or so. And when I caught him he used the abusive addicts favorite tool of gas-lighting to tear me down emotionally.
This is a pervasive addiction within the Mormon culture. If anyone were honest enough for studies to be conducted the statistics would be heart breaking.
Dear DAVE,
When will people understand that porn addiction is RARELY about the sex! My husband finally admits to being addicted for over three years now and he will be the first one to tell you that he couldn’t ask for a better, more fulfilling sex life. We both have felt so connected and intimately & emotionally satisfied. We’ve been married over 25 years and have been through a lot together. However, he was laid off from his job about 3.5 years ago and has struggled with that. He’s been depressed off and on, he’s felt like a failure at times as the provider. It’s not easy to get hired what you’re worth at a new company when you’re older and only want to work another few years anyway. I never thought pornography would be an issue for him, for us. It has been his stress release. It has been his shameful secret. He didn’t want to worry me about his stress and burden he was feeling and secrecy just feeds the addiction. He feels mortified but relieved that I found out. He didn’t want it in his life but didn’t want to say anything because he was embarrassed, ashamed and didn’t want to hurt me or have me think it had anything to do with me. He didn’t want me to feel like I wasn’t enough. He didn’t know how to explain to me that it wasn’t about sex! It was a stress release for him the same way others turn to alcohol or drugs and that left him with feelings of self-loath ing afterwards he would indulse himself. I am naturally devastated, of course and he hates that he has injured me and our relationship. At the same time he’s also grateful to finally have it exposed so he can move towards recovery and sobriety.
Be very careful, my friend about blaming the wife for her husband’s CHOICE to get himself involved in pornography. He alone is ultimately responsible for his actions!!!
I was sexualized at the age of four when a classmate from our pre-school introduced me to inappropriate touching (which I can only assume was happening to him at home or elsewhere). This early introduction to arousal and body parts led to a lifelong struggle with curiosity, exploration, secrets, and shame. I remember being exposed to pornographic magazines and nudity in rated R movies as an adolescent. By the time I was a teenager, I was actively seeking it out. Several friends had access to their father’s “secret stash.” We raided those stashed and indulged in viewing erotic images every chance we could get. Around that same time, one of the same friends taught me about masturbation, and I began experimenting at home whenever I was alone. Once I discovered PMO (porn induced masturbation to orgasm) I was totally hooked. It was my new favorite thing. It was like I had discovered my body’s own built in heroin producing mechanism. At first it was just seeking pleasure – to entertain myself whenever I felt lonely or bored. As I grew older and life became more stressful, I began to turn to PMO as a means to cope with that stress. Once I got my fix – I felt normalized… for a little while. What I didn’t fully understand were the feelings of guilt and shame, and what I didn’t realize at all was the profound negative effect this behavior was having on my brain (literally). They are separate issues but also connected. It’s true, the hyper-stigmatized culture of sex and morality within the LDS church only served to cause me more shame and encouraged me to hide my behavior (for the better part of 20 years). Interestingly, the science around addiction also shows that certain parts of our brain are activated and de-activated in such a way, during supranormal stimulus (e.g. porn use, masturbation, drug use, alcohol addiction, etc.), that we actually create the very symptoms we are trying to escape. For example, PMO fires up the dopamine receptors in our brain and produces that feel good chemical relieving our stress, but immediately afterward (due to long term PMO), the brain shuts down those receptors and feel good chemicals, creating a deficit and a feeling of lethargy, disinterest, depression, anxiety, etc. So what do addicts do? They return to the very same dysfunctional behavior over and over again, spiraling down and down, around and around, until everything crashes. Think of the heroin user who KNOWS this stuff is killing me, but I HAVE to have it! This cycle has described nearly my entire life, and I’m now in my forties. I had no idea, until I studied the science, that PMO was actually the CAUSE of my anxiety and depression, and not just a symptom of it. All this time I believed I was stressed and depressed, so I was giving into PMO in order to cope with it. Ironically, PMO was causing the depression and anxiety and making it worse with each successive session.
Mind you, I had successfully kept this behavior hidden from pretty much everyone in my life, except for maybe a few times when I was either caught or when I tried to reach out for help. Sadly, nobody was ever able to help me – not my parents, not my spouse, and not my eccliastic leaders – although they all may have been well meaning, they had been acculturated to only add to the shame that comes from labeling and misunderstanding. I don’t blame them. This is a trap set by the adversary and he is cunning. His snares are sophisticated and designed to work against you every step of the way – even when seeking recovery. It’s true – he binds you with flaxen thread and CAREFULLY leads you down to hell. That is where I finally arrived after a concerted battle against PMO for over 20 years. It’s been on-again off-again, but thanks to a loving and supportive spouse and my own firm determination to fight (even to the bitter end if need be), I have gotten to a place where I finally have hope of conquering this demon once and for all. I’ve been to several therapists, I’ve attended ARP meetings (12 Step), I’ve done DBT groups, and I’ve read, and read, and read everything I can. One of the most helpful resources for me has been “Your Brain on Porn.” It’s a documentary explaining the science of addiction and truly helped de-mystify what I have been experiencing all these years. Ultimately I came to realize the only reason God counsels us to avoid pornography and masturbation is because He loves us and wants us to be healthy and happy. He knows these behaviors truly are self destructive and will bring us harm – on many levels (personally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and even financially – when you lose the will to work because of a dopamine deprived brain that only wants one thing all the time).
But even more than this enlightening documentary, I stumbled across a book online that was adapted from Allen Carr’s “Easy Way” method to help people quit smoking. This hackbook is called “The Easy Peasy Way” and a quick google search should turn it up for you. This book needs to be read by anyone and everyone struggling with addiction – be it food, sex, drugs, porn, video games, or whatever. It’s like a magic spell (forgive the hyperbole) that releases the stranglehold addiction has over a person’s agency. Perhaps the most incredible realization for me was that willpower does not work – in fact it’s not necessary, and more than that it actually makes things worse! Once you read this book from beginning to end, you will experience a profound paradigm shift and see yourself in a totally different light – empowering you to simply make a one-time choice, forever and always, to walk away from your addiction. This book is truly the miracle I have been praying for all my life. I’m not an addict or ex-porn user or someone in recovery – I am a child of God. My worth is infinite and fixed. My behaviors do not determine my value, they only determine my outcome.
As a recovering porn addict I’m glad to see this issue being taken more seriously. I was exposed to porn at the age of 8 and struggled with it for 40 years. I even ended up going to prison because of it.
I find it distressing that bishops and stake presidents don’t ask recovered porn addicts to speak on the subject. I can give so much insight on the addiction process, warning signs of porn addiction, how to get help, and so many other things. Only an addict can truly address an addiction because the addict knows the struggle and how to get through it.
Yes, women do tend to be a bit harsh and make husbands feel more guilty, feeding the fire. I have thought about rhis a lot and why it bothers me so much to have a husband view porn. I knew he had the problem when we got married. At first i knew his lroblem was totally separate from me and didnt let it get in the way. I tried to be supportive and help him the way he needed. I wanted him to overcome it for himself, i felt bad for the struggle he had. But as our marriage went on he did quite a few things that really hurt my feelings during sex. Sex is the most vulnerable thing you can do with someone. You are showing them a side of you that no one else gets to see. Its a way of saying you trust that person with being totally real and totally you. When you show that to someone and they hurt your feelings on more than one occasion and are impatient and annoyed during sex, it ruins everything. In my search to connect with my husband sexually i started wondering if porn was the problem. I started feeling like it was cheating because it WAS affecting our sex life. I started feeling like an object rather than a person my husband loved and respected. It hurts, it hurts really bad. I think most women have the feelings they do because of the world telling women their only value is for sex. Why does that bother women? I am not ugly, so why do i care? Looks will fade, age will set in and if your woman was just an object she can so easily be tossed away. Feeling like my husband views me as an object for sex has got to be the worst feeling i have EVER felt in my entire life. So i turn my feelings off. I give him sex because i dont want anyone to be able to blame me for his addiction, but it hurts my heart everytime i do it. When sex is meant to bring us closer, i end up feeling the farthest away from him during it. Its hard not to feel resenment at him for that. I have my times where i am more in tune with the spirit and can look past my own feelings and see all the wonderful qualities he has. I truly love him. But i cant say that i dont feel like some of these women. I do feel anger, betrayel, resenment at times. I should be allowed to feel that sometimes. I think thats all that these women want. An acknowledgment of their feelings. Of how it hurts, it hurts really bad and women have a right to feel their feelings. If they feel allowed to feel them, they can usually move on from them and work through them.
Jill, I am very sorry to hear of what is happening to you. What I am about to say is obviously my opinion but I very much want to say this to you. This is all based off what you have said so take this proactive comment for what it’s worth.
I think you are being abused by this man. You are being physically abused … perhaps even sexually abused. The physically and sexually abused disconnect from their body when violations occur. Their spirituality also dims and it frankly sounds like that is happening as well. First of all, you are NEVER to blame for another accountable person’s choices. That is false doctrine — often propagated by the uneducated or those who have dysfunctional relationships similar to yours and they don’t want to face the fact that they have a person that loves something else more than them. Anyone who says that a woman must put out more or be this way or that way to encourage their husband to stop doing something is wrong. If this were the case we would be still help accountable for Adam and Eve’s transgression in the Garden. Of course, we are not in the least.
That said, there is a different between struggling with an addiction and pretending to be “working on it” all the while having your cake and eating it to. You are correct, sexual relations is the most vulnerable activity a couple can engage in. The question I ask you, if you are not feeling safe with this man in that situation, what will become of you in other situations?
Rarely, does the porn user ever stay at a fixed level. They devolve more and more over time and you will become more and more degraded. I now ask you the most important question I think I would ever ask you: what is it that you want … really?
Do you want a marriage with a man who is truly trying to be like Christ, seeks to emulate him, and repents when he falls short? If that is the answer, they you have some choices to make. To make those choices you need to be as close to the Savior as possible. I do not see how anyone can be close to the Savior they are being abused needing to disconnect from their body to not feel pain. Abuse is not part of God’s plan of salvation. While it is expected that we will suffer in this life, it says nothing about God wanting us to suffer and expecting us to just “take it.” Remember the Nephites who were in bondage to the Lamanites? They were always trying to find a way to escape and eventually an opening came.
When it comes to your choices, I would urge you to think backwards. Meaning see where you (only you) would like to be spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally in one year from now. Start with the end in mind and work backwards. God be with you.
Bob,
your description of your wife reminds me of me…i have thought a lot about it. I wanted sex before marriage and even the first few months. Iv recently realized its because i dont trust my husband. I have old feelings of resenment and hurt from past things he has done. Sex for a woman is the most vulnerable thing. She has to really trust you in order to show you that side. She probably is trying to like it and thats why sometimes seems to enjoy it, but its still not what she wants, shes still insecure i would bet. And im not talking about just physically. She needs to know u love and accept ALL of her. My husband and i started doing couples counseling and i have realized all these walls i have put up and we arre slowly bringing my walls down and hopefully that will lead to more trust. Maybe your wife is similar?
I’m so pleased to see the LDS addiction recovery program mentioned in the notes, as it is very helpful. I would have liked to have seen more about counseling and support groups in the main article. The LDS groups do also support partners. The recovery class should not be expected to take the place of professional counseling. That said, be careful in selecting counselors. My ex-husband’s counselor actually asked me to write a letter detailing how I contributed to my husband’s addiction. I was not then, nor at any time, responsible for his behavior. The counselor’s actions just gave him another source to justify the lie that he wasn’t fully accountable. He was so artful at lying, and learned to believe his own lies.
My bishop did not know how to help ME. This letter would have blessed my life infinitely. A sex addict’s partner is in pain. They need love, support, and guidance. I got through it and came out single, but stronger and more faithful than before. Though trust was never going to be restored, forgiveness was given and I and my children have healed greatly.
If you don’t have a bishop who really knows how to help, get a counselor, write a journal, or confide in a trusted friend. You need to talk about it. You need to work through it. Your feelings will not go away or heal on their own. Know that you are loved and that the addiction IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
I have thought for years that the church should have training for Bishops and Stake Presidents in this area as well as sexual abuse. I understand that they are human and don’t have counseling degrees, but some sort of training protocol directed from the first presidency and quorum of the 12 would be a huge step in the right direction.
My husband has been a rockstar. One year ago he almost took his own life after a long addiction to pornography that he could not see a way out of. I was completely unaware of his addiction and devastated he felt so low that he would even consider that. To me we had the perfect marriage and life. He was trying so hard for so long to battle against this himself and was always unsuccessful. He felt so damaged and dirty and guilty. Although heartbroken and mad, I was also so sorry that he had been dealing with this pain alone for so long and was willing to do ANYTHING to help him. Too make a long story short, he received a lot of support and help which I am grateful for but I have not gotten any. I feel like I have handled it pretty well on my own actually but I wish there were more resources like this for the spouses. My husband has been clean for an entire year next week. (We will be celebrating!) He just hit rock bottom and quit cold turkey and has done amazing. We are very open and conversational about our sexual needs, desires, and his addiction. We do regular check ups on his progress and have made special efforts to educate ourselves on these things and be better to each other and yes even have more sex. I feel so blessed to be where we are. I am so grateful I still have him by my side. I don’t really know how he was able to overcome this near life long addiction so quickly and remarkably. (And yes i do know he has been clean) I think a huge thing is he needed to know his feelings and urges were normal and understand his own sexuality better. He needed to understand a lot of his past was super normal and forgive himself. He needed to know he is human and normal and amazing and determined, not broken goods and obviously positive ways to handle those urges and feel his time with better things. Right at first I also got a super internet blocker for all our devices as a reminder and to block things that could trigger curiosity. Anyhow, I could write so many more things BUT I have some questions I need answered. My husbands self esteem is so low!! It has grown steadily since last year but I am really working hard to build him back up. I have loved the book his needs her needs and the love languages . Figuring out how to better suit his needs and love him the way he needs has been eye opening! What are some creative ways to help your spouse feel better about themselves? What are some good resources for helping build their self esteem? Also, I understand that like alcoholics that this addiction will always be something we have to safe gaurd against and be super aware of. Although we understand being alone and bored is bad for him and that stress would cause flare ups- How does the addict identify his/her triggers? What strategies do you have in place for handling temptation? (We joke that if he feels aroused or tempted or whatever that its a reminder to him to be nice to me. So he will turn it to doing something nice for me which leads to intimacy) And lastly, I never got counseling or support through this. Even though we are doing well, Every once in awhile I feel the need to reach out to a therapist or something. Like I think I’m okay but I don’t want to just bury feelings to have them erupt later. I’m kind of a perfectionist and have a tendency to put on rose colored glasses and smooth things over but not necessarily dig deep down with how it’s affected me. What are some good books for building my personal self esteem and confidence? Because if there is one thing I still have a hard time with it’s that I wish I looked like a porn star for him haha! He is reassures me I am perfect but I’m not sure I actually believe that. I would like to. Good luck everyone! Pornography sucks but it’s possible to beat it!
Why would a Bishop even think that the wife of an addict should be more sexually generous?
Well, I think it’s because it is unlikely that the Bishop ever himself had to deal with addiction to pornography. However, it is extremely likely that at one point or another he has (or is) suffering through the pain of a sexless marriage. That is something he understands, and while he probably took that pain and rejection and turned it into productive outlets (hobbies, work, children, church callings). But from his perspective he can also see that was the point when he might have been vulnerable to the siren call of pornography & infidelity.
I am not saying that the pain of a sexless marriage is in any way comparable to what the spouse of an addict faces, but it is real and is probably the only point of reference for many men.
For some starters, I would encourage you to get away from looking at porn and sex as addictions, and to help this read and study Dr. Marty Kline PHD. his porn her pain, and sexual intelligence and DR David Ley. the myth of porn addiction. Both have info on youtube to start. once you get past the point of seeing your husband as an addict recovering or not, you will see him as a normal man with a good strong desire for sex, then as you go to the temple and do some sealing, listen to the word of the covenant you make vs the man, and GIVE yourself to him. Don’t make him beg. Then learn how to enjoy sex, and enjoy the orgasm, and help him understand he needs to help you climax before him… remind him, ladies, first. Also, some good LDS Therapists are Natasha Helfer Parker, and Kristin Hodson, both on Facebook.
Every situation is different of course but there are situations where there is a lack of sex in a marriage..I remember there was something written in a doctrine manual..not giving yourself to your spouse could cause someone to stray. I can’t quote it or where it was from possibly in a marriage course book. We do all have needs and if a spouse isn’t fulfilling those needs it causes a want.I was frustrated for a long time 18 years in fact and I did give in to an affair..how can i say this it was very healing and beyond yet i knew it was very wrong at the same time but so was my marriage. I felt he had broken his covenants long before I did. There was a great Ted talk on Anyone that has loved I think it was titled It was very revealing for both sides. There are situations no matter what you do ..having a great sex life the other will be unsatisfied because they do have an addiction..but all those that end up having an affair doesn’t mean we are all have SA. I have heard of latter day saints after finding out a spouse has strayed they themselves have done some soul searching and repented..realizing they have neglected the relationship not taken care of themselves and not made making the spouse a priority. Its been a painful time but i have learned alot about myself. My spouse said he would forgive me but actually has been abusive and hasn’t learned a thing. We are going to divorce what i should have done. He wouldn’t listen before he couldn’t understand now ..no surprise there. Nothing worse than an unhappy marriage in the church!
One thing that would help women is for them to understand that all men in the church have masturbated and many have looked at something at some point in their lives. So it is guaranteed to be something you have to deal with, and your husband is not abnormal or a creep. Outside the church this behavior occurs almost daily for men and is considered abnormal to not act this way. It’s important to understand it’s very very normal. Now, it’s important to fight it for sure, but I just don’t want woman thinking they are married to a crazy sex addict when they find out he has had the occasional moment of weakness.
As a husband who is NOT an addict but who has occasionally looked at porn and masturbated, I can tell you that talking to my wife and agreeing to more frequent sex solved this issue for me which was a huge relief.
The word addiction is overused. We need to teach young women how men work anp that it’s not their fault. It’s also not an addiction to make occasional mistakes.
If we are talking recovery, we need to use appropriate laguange that enables recovery – “people first language.” Rather than referring to someone as an “addict”, we refer to them as John who has an addiction; or a person, friend, husband, or son of God suffering from addiction. If the person and the problem are worded as one, we are cultivating a culture that is anti-recovery. Separating the person from the action allows the individual to do the same as they evaluate themselves and attempt to dissociate from addiction.
Also, a Bishop’s role is not to absolve sin. Repentance and forgiveness is between the Lord and the sinner. The Bishop is there to act as a guide in the process. I think we put too much pressure on the “steps” of repentance and too little on the process.
Agreed, yet I’d take the word: “addiction” completely out of it; “The Myth of Sex Addiction” by Dr. David Ley.
As a church, we need to get past the idea that bishops should be required to be therapists. A Bishop is there to mend broken spirits and support recovery, not to ask in-depth questions about your sexual habits. I actually think much of what is suggested here as a better way to proceed could ultimately prove to be quite damaging.
Dear sisters, and brethren: masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, are all addictions, and addicts fail sometimes. As a bishop i can only support someone who searches for support, but can’t heal them. Only Christ can. And sometimes therapy is required; there is an overcoming addictions course in the church, which requires diligence, support, participation and knowledge, but professional therapy may also be needed. For both of the parts. If there is enough love it can be overcome.
Dear bishop: No, masturbation, porn, etc is not an addiction in most cases. It can become such, but it’s shaming and defeatist to a person to label them an addict when they are not. The ARP is a great resource for some but it’s not the only resource nor is it necessarily the best place for someone who has compulsions with porn and masturbation to go. I would recommend referring out these cases to a professional so they can properly assess whether or not there is addiction or what the best course is if someone wants to overcome a habit such as this. Signed, a therapist.
I’ve read this before and feel it has some superb points and at the same time has some serious problems.
Truth: Sexual addiction is often well in place long before marriage.
Half-truth: More sex with their wife will not cure the addiction.
Half-truth: The wife is not to blame at all for the addiction.
We hate any hint of victim blaming but here’s what I have seen very concretely in my work: The wife is not the cause, the cure, or the control of the addiction, but she has incredible power to make the husband’s recovery easier or more difficult (like exponentially so, to the point where it becomes nearly impossible if she really makes it miserable).
I have seen women who have given themselves in true love and compassion and patience and still have addicted husbands. These men choose in spite of good environments to keep their addiction. I am confident these relationships are what she is referring to in her letter.
However, I have seen some men beg their wives for help, only to have their wives judge, blame, attack, undermine, and throw verbal acid. Sometimes this means they are so worn down by the lies and betrayals that they don’t have the emotional energy to handle this stuff anymore. (Divorce is common and understandable to a degree in those circumstances.) And sometimes this is what these wives have done since the beginning of the marriage, completely independent of any addiction from their husbands.
These wives are just as much to blame for the addiction as their husbands, and sometimes more so. It takes a superhuman amount of willpower to resist finding love and connection elsewhere when your wife is cruel, vicious, disconnected, and manipulative. While the ultimate choice belongs to the husband, we cannot universally give all wives a free pass in this issue because even if the husband began the issue, these women keep it alive by refusing to give compassionate assistance to a drowning human being. Addicts need HELP, and a wife who attacks and shames rather than helping is just as responsible for keeping the addiction alive as the husband is for starting it.
This is my main struggle with her letter – she implies that all wives get this free pass because sexual sin is such an affront to our sensibilities that nothing the women do could even compare.
This is simply not true.
Christ said the greatest laws are love God and love your neighbor. If a wife takes sexual sin as a reason to stop loving her husband (or to justify not loving him even when she hasn’t loved him from the beginning), she is actually in a bigger sin than the husband. Alma’s discussion of adultery and murder are only talking about the most difficult sins to repent of because there’s no way to truly give restitution, but Christ was kind to those sinners He came across. His sharpness was reserved for those who broke the first two commandments.
I think that looking at these kinds of struggles in isolation from the relationship dynamic robs both man and woman of needed feedback. Is the wife judging and attacking or is she being kind and compassionate? If the latter, great! If the former, her Bishop needs to help her through that space as much as the addict needs help getting through the addiction space.
I appreciate the honesty and saying what needed to be said but wasn’t in this discussion. I can see and have dealt with myself the high demands of the church witch keeps a spouse focused on serving outside the home. Though worthy of our time if it is not balanced or our spouse is last on our priorities things need to change. I know what it feels like to be on the short end of the stick while my spouse was always there to the ward for anything and everything: blessings,movings, home visits, boy scouts, member buddies, but he did not give me what a wife, a woman needs and I felt a resentment and a lack of commitment to me. The covenants weren’t made to a church a calling it was made to the spouse. After over a decade of this I did succumb to an affair. A big problem was a lack of sex or physical and emotional intimacy. I felt understood in a TED talk called: To Anyone that has Loved. She stated the one who has the affair is not necessarily the one to blame for the marriage not working. Or something to that effect and it rang true in my case. I have heard of a spouse who when she found out her husband had an affair she promptly repented of neglecting him and not taking care of herself, lost weight etc. Just because one has an affair does not mean you have a sex addiction nor does it mean your spouse didn’t give you enough sex. I see why the church teaches high standards but I also see why people are tempted to give in to what your body/nature desires especially when u are denied for whatever reason in a sexless loveless marriage at 4O and I literally believed that I was going to die in that hell and I choose when the opportunity to love and all that I desired arose I dove in head first in and I dont regret it nor will I. Though i wouldn’t participate in an A now it was healthy to give myself what I was denied in marriage witch to some can be an endless hell with the only way out is a long drawn out divorce or death both are daunting.. where as a member u are expected to have 0 relations with the opposite sex while the one that was supposed to love you turns into nightmare and when u finally get the divorce what’s left of you will hopefully survive dating again with other divorces scarred and then the lucky few ,hopefully me, will find someone who is just as passionate as me who has a healthy sexuality so we can make up for lost time! Just the thought of the long lonely road made me depressed!!It is also not in my nature or values to be unfaithful so though I I loved the man I was with and was not in love with the man I married I ended it. My spouse handled me wanting a divorce exactly as I expected, the biggest reason I was afraid to and waited tell I had support. Despite the sound doctrine 3 hours of church a week or more scriptures and prayers and serving others, nature is louder and stronger than the desire to be proper in a sexless marriage and it was a recipe of disaster the more I tried to deny squelch ignore the growing need the stronger it got and like a pendulum swinging higher and higher gravity took its toll. To go through this being a member is horrible!
Sexual addiction can be all that has been discussed here. One serious facet has not been addressed. As ugly as it is, men who are sexual addicts, lose touch with their reality as husband and father figures. They can step over the line and sexually abuse their own daughters, grand daughters, or other family members. It is very difficult to forgive, especially as their mother, you were clueless. My daughter had buried the abuse so deeply that she began having recurring memories only after she was 50 years old! It was a very emotional time in her life facing what happened. As her mother, I was outraged, had severe guilt feelings, and could not understand his comments when confronted by her. He just kept saying “not that I remember”, and so maybe he has buried those evil deeds so that he won’t be accountable. Heaven help him!
It has to do with Temple covenants. When we are Endowed, we inlist on a road to fight satanic forces.
We are now in our mid 60s and 70. I have hated the stigma of divorce too long, no matter how poorly he treated me thru years by ignoring me & my needs. Before our marriage, I told him because of my father`s grooming and subsequent rape, and my first husband’s sex addiction, I was likely a sex addict, myself. I did not know how to masturbate & knew it was wrong anyway. I went to several years of 12 step groups. Last year, my husband had become completely unlovable and intolerable due to his porn addiction, rejections and neglect of my needs. Meanwhile people (men, women & children) think I continue to be a beautiful, loving woman. Only once did i even think about cheating & could not! So last year, I found it again, on his cell phone. There were 4 times in 23 years I asked that he quit. But this time, for whatever reason, he broke his years of the silent-treatment, admitted that he didn’t know if he ever loved me & only liked young firm bodies & masturbation.
I had always wanted sex, felt I needed it regularly, but all these years, he constantly ignored me, refused to talk with me, took care of his own needs in private & secret, while I quietly, patiently suffered his mostly-constant neglect & abuse by silence, and i constantly accepted ‘his refusals’ which he blamed on me. Every few months I would have mini sexual-need breakdowns, which neither of us understood, but he always blamed me for (and so did i), and continually withheld. I used to love him. For all the random years of counselling I took or encouraged that we get, he never admitted anything about his proclivities, but would quit attending, blame me, refuse to attend & then not talk about, and ignore questions & me.
I’m a daughter of our Heavenly Father, the same as you are his son. I have shown you respect, care, supported us during your unemployment, inactivity, & criticism, maintained desire, passion and compassion for you. You have ignored everything about me almost every one of these years, denied your addiction (since you were ten years old) until now, refused my desires and needs of communication, intimacy & sex, finally stated your preferences (in your older age), and the Bishop is going to see about advancing your priesthood,and church involvement-leadership, while I have to give up the home i’ve known, loved & cared for all these years in my old age because you desire younger women & deny me any debt or responsibility.
Where is the Christ-like accountability for one’s choices and actions?
All the years of his deception and abuse; while he took care of himself.
Thank you for the best information on this subject I have had the opportunity to come across on this subject thus far in my search for answers!!!
From Sister LaDue
Wife of a SA for over 30 years…
Good article. Especially glad that you tied pornography to masturbation. Pornography addiction almost always includes masturbation. But masturbation does not always imply pornography. I think we need to focus more on masturbation. Young people need to recognize it as normal, common, AND undesirable so that they can learn self mastery without the horrible shame of thinking that they are weird or perverted.
In this regard we place too much responsibility on bishops. What have you said to your children about masturbation? Can you discuss it with them openly without shame? Can you talk about the illusion of sexual gratification that masturbation produces? Can you testify to them of the blockage masturbation causes in the channel of grace that should flow through them?
I think that men who are struggling with masturbation or otherwise acting out should start thinking about how they are going to teach their sons about masturbation. Focusing on others always leads to better results than fighting with oneself.
We need to be more open with teaching our children of the danger, that masturbation not only is addictive, but that it encourages selfishness, and can literally destroy any chance at a normal sexual relationship, in marriage. We imprint our first sexual experience, when we are first awakened to our own sexuality, and whatever that first experience is, we tend to try to repeat it, throughout our lives, always hoping for that same excitement.
When we allow ourselves to indulge in pornography, whether written, or a visual portrayal, and further self indulge in masturbation, we are locking ourselves and our future spouse, out of the possibility of our having a fulfilling, and happy, sexually satisfying relationship, where we each allow our spouse, to give us that ultimate climax, where we allow ourselves to let go, and fully enjoy the marital sexual relationship . If we are more honest with our kids, in preparing them to understand, and prepare for their own marriage, and the sexual relationship by which their family will be created, we may have a better chance at helping our children have more normal, committed, sexually satisfying marriages.
Im grateful for reading this! It’s a needed discussion. To add my two cents. I came to the realization that my bishop wasn’t a councilor when he told me to pull up my big boy pants ? and forgive my wife who had cheated on me. P.S. I was a porn addicted before her affair which had everything to do with her heart swaying. Not good advice…But it was probably the only thing that could give me a big enough wake up to kick the habit, I’m 5 years porn fee. But I still struggle to forget/forgive the affair…Hypocrite? It was less than a month out when my Bishop said this ?. I think we place too much responsibility on a Bishop? A lot of Bishops are nearly out of their teens and the life experience is minimal. And I wouldn’t go to my Accountant for marriage counseling? Bishops can, and should only do so much like take confession, prayers, Scriptures, blessings, and sometimes point you to something( article/book/recovery class or someone that can help like a trained councilor.