Paul Crolley is from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and while he current lives in Atlanta, Georgia, the beach will always be home. He served his mission in Torreon, Mexico and still tries to use his Spanish every day. He has a B.A. in Psychology and a Masters in Counseling. Work experience includes traditional individual and group counseling with current employment providing crisis intervention services. He has held various leadership and teaching callings within the church and has enjoyed every one for the learning experience they were. Find him on Twitter at @pbcrolley.
A great interest of mine is psychology, how the mind works, and why we do the things that we do. I studied psychology in undergrad and then went on to get a masters degree in counseling. One of the aspects of this field of study that I have really enjoyed is how psychological principles can be applied to leadership practice in the church.
One particular counseling technique that is well known but has varying degrees of usefulness is dream interpretation. Personally, I adhere to the camp that states that dreams are just dreams and there is no deeper meaning (except those that are given by the Lord which is a completely different topic). That does not mean they are not useful though.
There is a technique though where a therapist can have the client describe their dream and say what they think it means. The idea here is to not really pay much attention to the content of dream but rather focus on what the patient thinks it means. The counselor can then analyze the patient’s interpretation to get more insight into their mindset and perspectives. Many key struggles or issues may present themselves.
With that in mind, I was reading the June 2013 issue of the Ensign magazine and came across something interesting. There is an excerpt from a BYU-Hawaii address by Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy on how to improve personal prayers. He said the following:
Our personal prayers are a barometer of our spiritual strength and an indicator of our spiritual well-being. I have learned as a father, priesthood leader, and mission president that listening carefully to another’s prayers can reveal much about his or her relationship with God.
Here we have the same principle being applied that is used by many mental health professionals when interpreting dreams. We take what is being shared and use it as a means to gain further insight into a person’s thought process. So with the prayer example, someone whose prayer includes rote statements or a focus on them instead of the Lord’s will can indicate much about the spirituality.
I served with an Elders Quorum President who also applied this technique during Personal Priesthood Interviews (PPI’s). He would ask the following question: What revelation have you received recently for you or your family? If the person struggled with the answer it was a possible indication that they were not attuned to the spirit and may have been neglecting prayer and/or study.
When I conduct PPI’s I also employ this technique. Using the spirit as a guide, I invite the person to share their testimony with me about a particular topic. What they share, how they share, and what is felt can be very indicative of their level of conviction about that particular topic. Areas of focus may come to light so that moving forward assistance can be concentrated there.
Elder Pearson’s insight about the role prayer plays with this is an excellent tool that is less invasive than direct questions during a PPI. A bishop, Relief Society president, or any church leader or family member can attentively listen to another person’s prayer and have the spirit guide them in gaining insight into that person’s mindset and current spiritual state.
Great examples and suggestions of how a Priesthood Leader can get to know those he serves better. I think this is the same technique used to select Stake Presidents (along with the Spirit).
This approach can also be mis-used. When I pray for a group, I really don’t want those around me to be judging my spirituality — I’d rather they listen to the prayer and offer a heartfelt amen afterwards. We do so much, it seems, to judge the spirituality or righteousness or worthiness of those around us. I want fellow members to sustain me, not to judge me by the “quality” of my prayers.
The ONLY way, perhaps that this approach could be helpful is when the listener is really focused on helping the speaker and at that very instant offers his or her observations, and never again for the rest of his or her life makes mention of the prayer. If the listener goes back to a bishopric or ward council meeting or wherever and talks about the speaker and his or her lack of spirituality, well, that is the wrong answer — and yet I suppose that is the more common answer. We talk ABOUT others far more often than we talk TO them, it seems.
To ji_: I appreciate your concerns with this approach and really like what you said at the end about leaders needing to talk TO people and not just ABOUT them. This is an excellent point that I think all members of the church should strive.
I hope I can better explain the purpose of using a technique such as this. It is not intended to judge the person any way as this is a responsibility left to the bishop and stake president as needed. Rather, this technique should only be used by leaders in special circumstances to gain insight into what may be going on with a person.
For example, if a family member is praying and appears extra emotional when talking about repentance, they may be struggling with that and support can offered. The support can be indirect via our personal prayers asking for strength for that person. A parent may also notice that during family prayers a youth aged child has started mentioning more about praying for the missionaries. This youth could be contemplating a mission and the parents can add support to this.
I believe the article indicated using personal prayer as a barometer as leaders and in interview settings, not everybody willy-nilly judging every prayer heard. The article is a “help for leaders” type article.
Paul — Thanks! Yes, I understand what you;re trying to say — I agree it is okay for a hearer of a prayer to engage the speaker of a prayer — it is always good when we talk TO each other, rather than ABOUT each other.
Teresa — I don’t want all my “leaders” to be judging me when I pray — when I pay in a group setting, I hope each and every person within reach of my voice will be most earnestly praying along with me. Even so, yes, the article is for leaders, but so often leaders find it far easier to talk ABOUT someone that to talk TO someone.
I believe the technique in the original posting can be used effectively with these two constraints — (i) when I pray for a group (even a group of two), please pray with me rather than over-analyzing what I am saying — I’m praying, not lying down on a therapist’s couch — and (ii) if you mentally make note of something I say and want to talk about it, please talk TO me rather than ABOUT me.
Some people may not have learned how to pray effectlvely, or they may be uncomfortable praying in the presence of someone in authority, or their prayer model may differ from others, or they may have other concerns at the time of the prayer — a leader, even a bishop or stake president, must exercise extraordinary caution not to use the prayers of others as a barometer for judgment, even in interview settings. Can something in a prayer be a springboard for further discussion? Sure, right then and there in that same private setting.
ji_: I feel you’re bringing up some valid points. It’s always advisable for leaders to seek the Spirit in order to know how best to address an issue or work WITH a person.
I also wanted to make a comment about something you mentioned in regards to some people not feeling comfortable with public prayers or haven’t been taught how to do them properly. In situations like this, care should be taken to not misinterpret what is being perceived (which is why the Spirit is important). To use another psychological principle as a metaphor: reading body language is an imprecise technique that also has to be used with caution so as to not misinterpret signals. So while generally a person with arms crossed in front of the chest is guarded, they might just be cold. So a person struggling with a prayer could be new or unfamiliar with the process. Again, the spirit is key here in distinguishing.
I also don’t think this technique will be widely used, but would be reserved for those private settings you mention. I know that there is a common misconception that therapists are constantly analyzing those around them and this is just not the case. I don’t have the time or energy for that. I feel church leaders are the same. They’re not constantly watching everything we do and say for signs or problems but may look for them in private settings WITH the person (like a therapist would with a client). At least this what I do. I would also hope there is no judging going on.