Raised in Seattle and presently living in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, Dr. Glover is a psychotherapist, author, former minister and recovering “Mr. Nice Guy.” He is a frequent talk-show guest who has been featured in various publications and is the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy. In this podcast, he describes the pitfalls sometimes associated with men trying to be Mr. Nice Guy.
Highlights
4:45 Dr. Glover’s experience working with LDS men
6:20 How co-dependence relates to Mr. Nice Guy syndrome
8:50 Three characteristics/covert contracts of Mr. Nice Guy: (1) If I’m a good guy I’ll be liked and loved—my value comes from external sources; (2) If I meet other people’s needs without them asking they’ll meet my needs without my having to ask; (3) If I do everything right I will have a problem-free life.
15:00 How to determine if you are a Mr. Nice Guy. Nice-guy behaviors in marriage and at work.
17:08 Root causes of Nice Guy syndrome in boys and men, and the development of survival mechanisms.
22:30 Organizational and family culture impacts leading to Mr. Nice Guy. “Emotional fusion.” Truly accepting a belief system versus merely following rules.
27:55 How can youth leaders teach correct principles and value systems without seemingly asking for compliance with rules for the mere sake of compliance? Authoritarianism versus making allowance for pushback or inquiry.
32:20 What can a bishop do if he perceives someone is suffering from Nice-Guy syndrome? Connecting with other imperfect people. Teaching the value of growth people achieve by coping with challenges.
38:15 Nice guys becoming chameleons can be detrimental to being true to one’s self. Can the syndrome lead to interest in porn or other addictions?
44:06 The title of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy is not intended to suggest men should not be nice. They should be nice but need to know when to say “no,” while saying “yes” to the most important things, including family. Looking to the example of Christ.
53:25 Conclusion
Links
Dr. Glover’s Website
No More Mr Nice Guy
No More Mr. Nice Guy Self-Assessment
I thought this was a great episode, and I have run into a lot of “nice guys” in the Church, including seeing this in myself. I’ve read the book, and, while I didn’t like the tone of the book, I think there are a lot of really great principles in it for helping nice guys like me overcome the damaging tendencies of “nice guy syndrome.” I think it would be great if we had more resources for men in the Church to talk about mental health issues like this because Elders quorums aren’t yet a safe place to discuss these matters. At least not where I live.