Leaders frequently encounter challenging conversations, many of which are steeped in shame.
This shame often causes individuals to withhold information and address issues inefficiently.
A leader’s primary responsibility is to alleviate the shame the individual is experiencing, regardless of the problem at hand.
Without doing so, only minimal progress can be made, as the root issue remains hidden.
While this is easier said than done, I’ll share a tactic to make it more manageable.
Consider these examples of difficult discussions a person might have with a church leader:
- Struggling with pornography use or sexual behavior
- Experiencing deep doubts about faith and future in the church
- Facing an impossible marriage that might end in divorce
Unfortunately, individuals are often so overwhelmed by shame that they refuse to discuss these issues with anyone.
However, moments of clarity or courage may prompt them to reach out to family members, friends, or church leaders.
The shame of the moment often leads to what some therapists call “spotlighting.”
This occurs when individuals share only a portion of the issue, presenting it as the entire problem.
| Spotlighted Issue | Underlying Reality |
|---|---|
| “I stumbled onto some pornography a few days ago.” | “I have been struggling with pornography for many months.” |
| “I’m struggling with the history of polygamy in church history.” | “I have already decided to leave the church, but I don’t know how to tell my spouse.” |
| “My spouse and I are having a hard time communicating.” | “My spouse has threatened to file for divorce several times.” |
As a young bishop, I once discovered that someone had “spotlighted” a moral struggle in an attempt to “repent.”
When I later learned that I hadn’t received the whole truth, I felt angry, believing they had lied to me.
However, I didn’t understand the shame dynamic they were experiencing.
To address this issue, acknowledge the potential shame they might be feeling and communicate your patience.
Here are some examples of how to approach these conversations:
Pornography: “I’m glad you had the courage to share your experience with pornography. Often there’s more to the situation than people feel comfortable discussing in the first meeting, or they can’t remember all the details. If there’s more you’d like to share later, please feel free to do so. I won’t be disappointed at all. I’m here to help.”
Faith Struggles: “Struggles with church history are common, and I’d be happy to explore this with you. Many individuals hesitate to share the full extent of their faith struggles initially. If you have more questions or concerns, I’m always ready to talk further.”
Marital Issues: “Let’s find some resources to improve communication in your marriage. As a side note, couples facing marital difficulties don’t always disclose the full severity of their situation. If there’s more to your story that you’re not ready to share, please know you can reach out later to discuss it. If not, we’ll focus on communication resources.”
This approach can also be used in less serious situations, such as when meeting with youth who claim everything is fine:
“I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. Many young people aren’t initially comfortable discussing their real struggles with their bishop, or they forget in the moment. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out later to share more details about life’s challenges or sins you’re struggling with. I’m always available to chat, whether in my office or through a simple text message.”
By implementing this tactic, we can work toward reducing shame and fostering more open, honest conversations.
See what others are saying about this message HERE.
Sincerely,
Kurt Francom
Executive Director
Leading Saints
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