Back in 2013, my wife and our family lived in South Salt Lake in a transient inner-city ward. At that time, I was serving as the bishop of our ward and we enjoyed the variety of friendships we formed as families and individuals came and went. One personal friendship I had, in particular, stands out among many; it was with Heath, a husband, and a father of three great kids. I first met Heath and his family as they entered the chapel on a bright Sunday morning. There are few things that excite a bishop like a new capable family telling you they just moved into the ward. We soon discovered that they lived two doors down from us and had children of similar ages as our own children. Our friendship with Heath and his family began and flourished during the years that followed.

Heath was later called as the elders quorum president in that ward, a first for Heath since he had never served in an official leadership capacity before. He approached the calling a little nervously but grew in wonderful ways and I enjoyed growing our friendship through our mutual church service. About a year later, one of the counselors in the bishopric moved from the ward which created a vacancy. This led to Heath being called as my second counselor. This allowed us to serve more regularly together and our friendship continued to flourish. Not only did I learn about the happy and hopeful things happening in Heath’s life, but I soon found out that there was more of a wrestle happening behind the scenes, a wrestle with faith and doubt.

This wasn’t something Heath openly shared with me at first since he wanted to serve in a valiant way and set an example of faith to the other members of the ward. But I soon noticed Heath seemed distant in our meetings and was more and more irregular on his bishopric commitments. Since we had a strong relationship I didn’t hesitate to invite Heath to lunch during the week or to show up at his busy law office from time to time and give us opportunities to connect not only as friends but as his bishop.

Over several personal interactions, he let me in on more of his personal wrestle with faith. He talked about being raised by his grandparents as his mother struggled to have financial stability and as a young man, he had no idea where his father lived. His grandparents raised him in a home full of faith and consistent church attendance and when the time came for Heath to serve a mission it was not a hard decision to make. He loved his mission to South America and loved preaching the gospel he held so close to his heart. After returning from his mission he continued to jump through the typical Latter-day Saint hoops and married a beautiful woman in the temple and began a family. After his marriage and while attending law school at Brigham Young University, it was in one of his religion classes, of all places, where Heath first was struck with a thought of doubt. In this particular religion class part of the required reading was Rough Stone Rolling a well-known historical account of the life of Joseph Smith, written by Richard Bushman who is a faithful Latter-day Saint patriarch and one of the most prominent scholars on Joseph Smith. As Heath read the more detailed accounts of the messiness of the early history of the Church, certain mistakes, weaknesses, and awkwardness of Brother Joseph’s journey came to the surface for Heath. Suddenly, in Heath’s mind, the story wasn’t as black and white as he had hoped and from that day he strived to put these concerns on a shelf hoping that further light and knowledge would be discovered in the future.

Fast forward several years later, Heath was now being called into a bishopric. Up until this point, he was able to ignore the doubts about some of the foundational beliefs of the gospel and of the Prophet Joseph Smith, but now, he knew his turn would come, every few months, to be the bishopric member who is required to be the first to testify during fast and testimony meeting. He felt for sure that each individual in the chapel would notice how many times he would testify of the Prophet Joseph Smith or the lack thereof. He thought in order to be a good Latter-day Saint leader he must not only hope that Joseph Smith was a prophet but he must KNOW he was a prophet. This forced Heath into a more determined journey to receive a deeper conviction that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he did, in fact, translate ancient scripture. Heath’s quest for certainty only led him to a state of depression. Why couldn’t he know? Why did he doubt? Why was he wrestling?

Soon Heath became more detached from his service in the bishopric and on occasion stayed home from church, laying in bed, smothered with depression. His quest for certainty exhausted him and I am so grateful that at one point, during our regular weekday lunches, he felt comfortable enough to open up to me about his wrestle with doubt. I don’t say this because as his bishop I had all the right answers, or that I had some influential chain of words to dissolve all his doubts. I am glad he opened up because not only did I learn about his faith struggle but I learned more about my lack of faith struggle.

You see, at this point in the story it is easy to see Heath as the focus, but I invite you to take a different perspective as you hear this story, a perspective that I was forced to take because it was my own perspective.

Here I was, someone who had never experienced a faith crisis, someone who was raised in a very traditional Latter-day Saint home and had no hesitation striving to develop my faith according to the model which my parents gave me. I graduated from seminary, served a mission, married in the temple, and took regular opportunity to stand at lecterns similar to this one and articulate statement like, “I know the Church is true”, “I know Joseph Smith was a prophet”, “I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God.” I have stated these things, not for tradition’s sake but because I have, in fact, received a spiritual witness of their validity. Years ago, as I talked with Heath I was forced to compare my life experience with his and didn’t find much of a difference.

In fact, I have read every word of Richard Bushman’s Rough Stone Rolling so why did those words spark doubt in his mind but deepen my faith?

Am I more righteous?

More loved by God?

Maybe I had a habit of reading my scriptures every day for 30 minutes but Heath gave up after 13 minutes?

Ah, maybe Heath failed to follow the formula.

Did he not hear in Sunday School time after time that we need to read our scriptures, go to church, say our prayers, and keep the commandments?

Of course, I’m being facetious, those reasons are ridiculous because I know for a fact that Heath’s efforts in every venue of the gospel were more sincere, more consistent, and on a much higher level of righteousness than my efforts… and still… he wrestled with doubt. Why?

Why did Heath begin to doubt when I didn’t?

Maybe someone in this chapel is silently relating to Heath’s story. On the surface, you appear to be the typical believing Latter-day Saint, but in the quiet corners of your life you wrestle with faith even though you strive to follow “the formula” and you continually ask yourself, and God, why do you wrestle when so many others appear to absorb conviction and certainty?

Maybe some in this chapel can easily relate to my side of the story as you have seen loved ones with a similar life experience slip into a wrestle with doubt while you continue deepening your faith.

Doctrine & Covenants 46:13-14

13 To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world.

14 To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.

I love to ponder over this scripture. It basically says to me, some will reach a level of knowledge and certainty while some will need to trust in the faith of others and continue in hope.

The big question I hope to address today is… is there value in a wrestle with faith, and if there is, what are we supposed to do about it? How are we supposed to interact with those who personally wrestle, and if we do have conviction can we learn from the wrestle of others?

In the context of a righteous someone who is not receiving the answer of conviction for which they are sincerely and righteously seeking, Elder Orson Pratt said, “Where would be his trials? This would lead us to ask, Is it not absolutely necessary that God should in some measure, withhold even from those who walk before him in purity and integrity, a portion of his Spirit, that they may prove to themselves, their families and neighbors, and to the heavens whether they are full of integrity even in times when they have not so much of the Spirit to guide and influence them? I think that this is really necessary, consequently, I do not know that we have any reason to complain of the darkness which occasionally hovers over the mind.”

Even Lehi, a faithful prophet of God, after following the angel in his vision found that he “was in a dark and dreary waste.”

“And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.” (2 Nephi 8: 7-8)

Why would God not answer a sincere wonderer?

Because it forces him or her to dive deeper into their soul seeking truth and understand for which they would never find by simply praying and receiving an untested conviction. These type of journeys when darkness “hovers over the mind” test the integrity of your soul so that when you do find conviction you don’t hold it as a prize but rather you appreciate the trust in God that it has given you. If you are someone who wrestles with doubt you may look at me and wonder what I have figured out in order to be so certain, but I hope you know I often look at you and wonder if you have found a deeper meaning to this gospel by trusting in God while sitting in doubt.

Of course, my message today isn’t to make doubt provocative or to encourage other to be cynical or skeptical of prophets or truth claims in order to find a spiritual struggle that you can gain from. No, my hope is that we can recognize doubt as a wrestle that can often come to the righteous even when they never meant to seek it. Much like the righteous sometimes face health challenges, or wayward children, or same-sex attraction, or any number of other trials regardless of how good they have been.

We are not all called on to bear such burdens in this life, but speaking of bearing burdens, when I think of my personal interaction with my good friend Heath, my mind is often reminded of Mosiah 18 and the baptismal covenants we have all made to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light”. How is this done when a loved one is doubting? We “mourn with those that mourn” or in other words we “doubt with those that doubt”. Again, that’s not a statement to encourage doubt; rather it is a statement to encourage a deeper level of empathy. Just like a loved one suffering from cancer doesn’t need a lecture of what they should have eaten or that they should have exercised more to avoid the illness, the doubter doesn’t need someone lecturing them what they should or should not have read to avoid the doubt. Mosiah 18 is encouraging us to gain a new level of empathy by sitting with those who doubt and seeking a deeper understanding of their pain.

Heath and I are still friends, and the end of his story is still unfolding. His journey has not yet led him to full conviction in any particular faith, but it has been a blessing to call him a friend and to continue to share of each other’s experiences as we both seek to connect with the Divine. But again, the point of this talk is not to share his story as much as it is to share my story.

As I close my remarks, I’d like to do so by talking to that individual who might be in this audience that considers themself a Heath; a quiet doubter who hasn’t found courage enough to share their wrestle with those they love most or anyone in the middle of an intense wrestle even if it isn’t related to doubt. Going back to Mosiah 18, it is by allowing others to bear your burden with you that it is made light—a true symbol of Christ. Please, reach out to those loved ones and share your wrestle. It is by sharing your wrestle that others can find deeper faith as well. If you are not met with empathy at first trust in the love you share with them and allow them to be changed by your wrestle. So, who can you bless today by sharing your wrestle with them?

Finally, I’d like to point you to another righteous man who wrestled with God, a prophet named Jacob. This was described in the book of Genesis as a literal wrestle in the early morning. As Jacob wrestled with God, he “saw that he prevailed not against [him]”. Jacob told God “I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.” That blessing from God led to a new name or a new identity, even the name of Israel, which means “to prevail over”. Whatever you wrestle with, hold on and refuse to let go of God until he blesses you. It is in the wrestle that you will not only find God but you will find your potential to be like Him.

How grateful I am to have a Savior who was immersed in the deepest, darkest wrestle and was able to prevail over that wrestle. Because He lives, we all have someone to go to and understand our personal wrestles because he can clearly say, I understand. I am grateful for my Savior and what he enables all of us to become. In Romans 8 it addresses the love of our Savior and the power to reach all of us. It says…

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8: 35, 38-39)

If you doubt. If you wrestle. He still loves you.

Listen to Heath’s Full Story