Julie Cluff is a full-time entrepreneur, Build a Life After Loss podcaster, hope giver, life coach, grief recovery specialist, and artist but not always in that order. She’s a wife to a wonderful husband who brings the fun. She is currently serving in a stake primary presidency, and has served as young womens president, relief society counselor, primary counselor and stake public affairs director.The mother to 6 beautiful children including 2 angels and a spectacularly young and vibrant grandma. She shares her story of the loss and grief of her two youngest children in a car accident on Mother’s Day and her transformation to bring hope to others who are grieving. She believes powerfully in the human spirit and the ability for all to rise from the ashes and create beauty.

Enter Julie…

Finding out someone in your ward has experienced a significant loss is devastating because we care about them and we don’t want to see others suffer, and because we feel the weight of helping them through their trial.

I’m sure that’s how my Bishop and Relief Society president felt in 2007 when I was in a rollover accident that claimed the lives of my two youngest children; our beautiful daughter, Carrie, who was 10 and our rambunctious son, David, who was 8.

Nothing truly prepares you for such a loss. I knew the moment our SUV stopped rolling end over end and I was conscious of what just happened, that our lives had changed forever. But I couldn’t possibly have anticipated the many ways it had been changed or the depth of gratitude I would feel for those who surrounded us with love and supported us through this unexpected trial.

As a leader in your ward or stake you will have opportunities to surround and support others through their losses, so I want to share with you some ideas and concepts that can help you in your efforts.

As members of the restored church, we’re intimately familiar with the scripture that instructs us to “bear one another’s burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18: 8-9). We certainly understand the sentiment but what does it look like in action?

First, I think it’s instructive to look at a couple of definitions. Grief is the deep sorrow which is a normal and natural response to loss whereas mourning is the expression of that grief.

I believe to mourn with those that mourn is to feel the deep sorrow with them. It means to sit with them in the sorrow, to hear their heart’s longings, to be willing to admit we don’t know what to say but that we’re willing to listen.

Grievers Need to Be Heard Not Taught

Often, we want to teach and give instruction, but that’s seldom helpful right after a tragedy.

Our car accident was in a neighboring state from where we lived so family members contacted the local bishop to come to visit me in the hospital just after I learned that my children had died. He was a good, gentle, man who was obviously overwhelmed by this assignment. He told me about the plan of salvation and that families are forever.

While I understood the sentiment, it would have been more helpful if he had just been willing to be there, say that he didn’t know what to say and express his sorrow. That’s mourning with those that mourn.

Many times, during the coming weeks I heard from others about gospel principles that should help me feel better, but it wasn’t helpful. I knew about the plan of salvation and I knew that my family was an eternal unit but that did not change my immediate concerns and frankly it felt condescending.

Our bishop was willing to mourn with us, to listen to our souls’ complaints and express his love for us and for our children and that he missed Carrie and David too.

In the early days of loss, grievers need to be heard not taught.

Grievers Are Not Broken, They’re Brokenhearted

When my oldest daughter was turning 8, she anticipated her baptism with excitement and confusion. Her father and I had divorced a couple of years before and I had since remarried. Her father was living out of the country and promised to come back and baptize her when she turned eight.

Unfortunately, I knew that wasn’t and couldn’t happen as he no longer held the priesthood authority to perform the ordinance, so I told her that we would have to make other plans. She cried and cried, and I held her and cried with her. It was a poignant moment that taught me the power of mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort.

I was grateful I didn’t try to talk her out of how she was feeling. A few weeks later she was filled with excitement when her stepfather baptized her on a beautiful day in October.

As we mourn with those that mourn, they are better able to address the concerns of their heart.

Grievers Don’t Need to Be Rushed to Feel Better

One Sunday a woman visited our ward and sat next to me in Sunday School. I don’t remember all the details of her visit, but I do remember that she had recently had a house fire and lost everything.

She introduced herself at the beginning of class and explained that the fire was part of the reason for her visit. People were genuinely concerned and asked questions. When they learned no one had been hurt, they offered, “Thank goodness no one was hurt. Things can be replaced. Good thing we know what’s really important.” To this, she leaned toward me and said, “I just wish people would understand how devastated I am.”

We offer the ‘bright side’ to people in hopes of making them feel better right now, but this is seldom helpful. It sends the message that it’s time for them to be over it. Instead, most grievers need to create space in their life for healing and adapting to their new reality.

Grieving is emotional, and therefore, it needs to be addressed with feeling. As church leaders, we bear one another’s burdens best when we answer those that mourn with compassion and patience.

Grievers Need an Abundance of Love and Support

Grievers sometimes struggle to feel their own self-worth and the Holy Spirit. When we understand that, we recognize the tremendous need to support those that grieve throughout their grief.

In October 2012 general conference, President Eyring said, “most people carrying heavy loads begin to doubt themselves and their own worth. We lighten their loads as we are patient with their weaknesses and celebrate whatever goodness we can see in them. The Lord does that.”

I was the driver of the car on that fateful day that our car rolled, throwing my children from the vehicle and claiming their lives. The self-recrimination was relentless. I’m grateful to church leaders, friends and family that buoyed me up, showed me tremendous love and saved me from collapsing under the strain of self-reproach.

Because of the emotional, mental and spiritual load that a griever carries it can be difficult to feel the Spirit. Because their spiritual senses are so overwhelmed with their sorrow, they will sometimes feel that they are not being supported by the Spirit and may even start to question themselves or their testimony.

When they sense difficulty in feeling the sweet influence of the Spirit, it becomes easier for them to think something is wrong with them or they are not of worth. Offering an abundance of love and understanding can be a balm to the distressed soul.

Because of the precarious situation of the distraught, it becomes critical as ward leaders to set up a safety net for those that are in the throes of their sadness. This might include regular, frequent visits with the bishop, the Relief Society presidency, ministering brothers and sisters and other leaders and friends; offers to give blessings, and opportunities to serve with others in assignments and callings.

Grievers Respond to Inspired Questions

A month before our children died, I had some unusual, spiritually-strengthening experiences that didn’t make a lot of sense to me until after the accident. In the months following, I could see how those experiences prepared me for what was ahead. Even on the day of the accident and for weeks after, the tender mercies of the Lord touched my life in significant ways.

As a ward or stake leader, when the time is right and as you feel inspired, consider asking the griever if they experienced any miracles before or after the incident. As they share the miracles and tender mercies they’ve experienced, they become more aware of God’s hand in their life and this strengthens their self-worth and their testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Even asking about and encouraging their remembrance of past experiences that strengthened their testimony can assist them in their journey. As Helaman taught his sons to “Remember, remember”, the grievers’ remembrances can become an anchor of faith during those moments of doubt that are likely to assail them.

Bishops especially will be on the front line of support and have a significant opportunity to bless those that mourn but they may feel unprepared to do so. Asking inspired questions could be their best response.

Ward members who are suffering may come in with questions such as “Why did this happen to us? What are we supposed to do next? How are we supposed to go on?” These are questions without good answers. These questions are often asked rhetorically without the expectation of an answer.

Sometimes, just giving the question space is all it needs and frequently the questioner will go on in their thoughts. Remember, they need to be heard and your listening is a gift. Admitting that there aren’t good answers to some questions is a great response. As inspiration guides, consider asking a question in return.

Here are some other questions to get you started:

• How are you doing today? Instead of feeling like they need to explain how they are doing overall, they can focus on what’s happening today.
• How do you feel about _____? This is a great response in almost any conversation. It focuses on emotions and invites them to tell you more.
• Do you have any questions for me? When they answer, ask additional questions about their question. When they ask a question, they are more prepared for inspiration from the answer than they are when we just offer lessons we want to share. The scriptures are replete with examples of the Lord answering the questions of those that ask and ponder. It’s a pattern we can follow in our counseling with each other.

Grievers May Need Additional Support

We sometimes wonder why the Book of Mormon is full of war chapters. However, we do see the correlation between the physical preparation for war and the emotional and spiritual preparation that we need for our day of spiritual attack.

In Alma 60, Moroni, the leader of the Nephite army, sends an insistent letter to Pahoran, the government leader, asking for the government’s assistance in their dire circumstances. Moroni explains that the situation requires all the available power and effort if they expect to survive. In verse 11 Moroni writes,

“could ye suppose that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you? Behold, if ye have supposed this ye have supposed in vain.”

Unfortunately, many members feel that their faith is all they need to survive the devastation of their losses when in truth they need all the available power and effort. While faith is enormously beneficial, we cannot suppose that we “can do nothing and he would deliver” us. We act in faith, but we act. We seek the programs and the knowledge and the activities that will help us to survive the onslaught of self-doubt and spiritual annihilation whether those answers lie inside or outside the church.

I was speaking with a director for a hospice organization in Utah where a greater number of the general population are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He mentioned how difficult it is to get members to participate in grief groups that could help them with knowledge and tools to better travel this unfamiliar path. This needs to change. We need to encourage our members in seeking help in their grief just like we would if they had broken their leg.

In Doctrine & Covenants 109: 14, we’re instructed to “seek learning, even by study and faith.” When Nephi broke his bow, he had faith that the Lord would provide but he also went to work to “make out of wood a bow and out of a straight stick, an arrow” (1 Nephi 16:23). As church leaders, in addition to inspiring faith, we can support and encourage our members in searching for and finding answers to their questions and concerns.

Ministering to the Brokenhearted

I’m encouraged by the changes in our structure and programs that shift our culture and emphasizes the need for true ministering. This is the perfect time to reevaluate how we are currently supporting those that mourn and sorrow and to determine ways that we can improve our efforts.

I believe as we “seek learning, even by study and faith”, to understand and apply the admonition “to bear one another’s burdens, mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort”, we will be strengthened and inspired in our efforts to love and comfort the grievers in our congregations.