T10 The Story Behind Pornography Use | An Interview with Jay Stringer

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Jay Stringer is a therapist, author, and public speaker. He guides men and women to overcome unwanted sexual behaviors, and to discover how their story is shaping unwanted sexual behavior or betrayal trauma. He grew up as the son of a Protestant minister in the Presbyterian church, holds a master of Divinity and masters of Counseling Psychology, and is an ordained minister. Steven Shields, ACMHC CET1, is a therapist who acts as a guide to help others heal from trauma and addiction. As founder of Unashamed Unafraid, a non-profit organization, he hosts the podcast that shares hope for sexual addiction recovery. Unashamed funds scholarships for people to go to retreats and receive therapy. Steve works in his private practice in Salt Lake City, at OnSite in Nashville Tennessee, and at the Oaks in San Diego California doing trauma intensives and workshops. His favorite event to speak at is the WarriorHeart Bootcamp every year. Steve is unofficially the biggest Leading Saints and “KF” fan! In this podcast episode, Kurt and co-host Steve speak with Jay about how leaders can best provide help and guidance to those who have been affected by unwanted sexual behaviors.

Jay Stringer

Steve Shields

Highlights

6:15 How can leaders help members with sexual brokenness? Leaders should stop trying to ‘manage’ the problem but try to help the member find the core problem. 8:10 Unwanted sexual behavior is a roadmap to healing, not a life sentence to sexual shame or sexual addition. 9:30 Leaders need to listen to the stories and experiences that are behind the unwanted behavior. 13:30 Invite people to take authorship and authority over their unwanted behaviors. It’s so much more than ripping out their behavior from their life. Behaviors and addictions come from somewhere much deeper. 17:00 Many people turn to unhealthy sexual behavior or porn because they lack purpose. 17:45 How can a leader create space to listen? Stories are what change the human heart. Stop the practical suggestions because they are not going to work. 20:10 Jay gives a list of questions that can help leaders in interviews. These questions will lead to stories and help the member connect the dots between the current unwanted sexual behavior and the past pain or underlying story. 22:30 You don’t have to be a therapist but a safe place for people to share their stories. People don’t always need suggestions but someone that has compassion for them. 30:00 How do you help members come to you to confess and talk about the problems they are having? 34:15 Shame convinces people to stay silent about their sexual brokenness. Leaders need to normalize talking about sex and porn. 40:45 Share your scars, not your wounds, when you are in leadership. Be vulnerable to share your scars and experiences too. God wants us to share our stories. 42:30 This is not just a men’s issue but a human issue. Many women are also viewing pornography and having affairs. 47:30 While connection and community are very important to recovery and healing it’s also very important to take time alone. You have to learn to sit with yourself and not just try to distract yourself all the time. 53:00 How can we find the right community?