"Someone hurts, and I don't know what to say."

I am working on a project to summarize leadership principles or thoughts on small reference cards. This approach will help leaders quickly learn a concept and facilitate discussions in council settings with other leaders. I invite you to try and use this in your next council/presidency meeting to stimulate discussion with other leaders.

“As we intentionally strive to incorporate empathy as exemplified by the Savior, we will become more sensitive to people’s needs. With that increased sensitivity, feelings of genuine interest and love will permeate our every action.”—Elder Ulisses Soares

Empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, but they represent very different ways of relating to others’ emotions and experiences. At a Leading Saints workshop, Louie Hamner taught about the difference between sympathy and empathy.

As leaders, we often want to stay in a state of sympathy, where we are observing someone else’s problem from a distance. We naturally avoid getting vulnerable, so this is where we stay. However, deeper connection can be established when we lean into empathy even when we may not fully understand their hurt and pain.

Here are some quick examples of how sympathy differs from empathy:

Sympathy: “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Empathy: “I want to understand how you feel, and I’m here with you.”

Sympathy: “At least life isn’t as hard for you as it is for others”
Empathy: “I can’t image how hard this must be for you. Tell me more.”

Sympathy: “Oh, that’s bad. Have you been praying?”
Empathy: “I’m here with you in this dark place. You’re not alone.”

Sympathy: “Keep your head up. Things will get better soon.”
Empathy: “I’ll sit with you in this as long as you need.”

Here are some tips to stay in empathy with another person:

Embrace their perspective & stay out of judgment: When someone is hurting they might share a perspective that you know is inaccurate or that makes you suspicious. “My husband is so hurtful at home and is constantly treating our family poorly.” Maybe this statement seems off when you compare it to your own interactions with the husband. However, for the sake of stimulating connection and helping the person feel heard, you assume their perspective is accurate. “I’m so sorry you are experiencing that in your home. Tell me more.”

Recognize Emotion: There is no need to attempt to fix the situation that seems to be making the person emotional. Instead, simply try to recognize the emotions that the person is experiencing. “Wow, I can see this is really heavy for you. How else would you describe it?”

State Your Desire to Understand: Empathy is about feeling with people. It involves creating a “sacred space” where you acknowledge someone’s pain and let them know they are not alone. It seems like a given, but when you can communicate to the person that you simply want to understand their experience this creates safety for the other person and they naturally want to open up and tell you more. When they feel safe they are more likely to return to you as their leader when they need further help.

When in doubt, here are some solid empathy statements you can use in almost every situation, especially when you don’t know what to say:

“Tell me more.”
“I want to understand more how you are feeling.”
“What other feelings describe what you are going through?”
“I’ve felt similar feelings.”

Orient them to Jesus Christ: It is crucial for church leaders to turn people to the Savior Jesus Christ because He embodies the ultimate source of empathy, having experienced every form of human suffering and pain. Jesus’ profound empathy is rooted in His willingness to take on human form, endure temptation, and suffer the ultimate agony on the cross, thereby fully understanding and sharing in our afflictions. This unparalleled empathy not only comforts and reassures believers but also bridges the gap between fallen humanity and God, offering a path to healing and salvation. By guiding people to Christ, church leaders connect them to a Savior who not only understands their struggles intimately but also provides the strength and grace needed to overcome them.

Empathy Scriptures: