A few years ago, my wife and I were driving through our neighborhood when we passed a party someone in our ward was having outside their house.
It seemed that everyone there was a member of our ward (many we considered friends).
Our initial reaction was, “Ahhhh… why weren’t we invited?”
Watching so many in our ward enjoy a barbecue together without inviting us made us feel like the little kid who wasn’t invited to the fun birthday party, and it hurt.
I am sure many reading this have had experiences like this where you feel on the outside looking in, and it feels like you are being intentionally excluded.
When this happens, it is easy to consider your ward as cliquey.
A clique is a small group of people who get along and do not readily allow others to join them.
This term has been used for so long in our culture that it has a negative connotation.
It seems any church leader would want to avoid any formation of cliques as if it would only hurt the ward.
But what if cliques are a good thing?
You see, on one hand, a leader is trying to avoid any formation of cliques while on the other hand, stimulate ward unity.
It can’t be done.
I guess in our mind, we have this vision of what ward unity is.
We hope every single person in the ward is equally friends with every other person.
If a barbecue is held at someone’s home, everyone is invited.
If someone is faced with life challenges, everyone shows up to offer love and support.
This isn’t realistic.
A united community is a group of connected cliques.
If we try to spread the intense unity across every person or family in the ward, it only makes for superficial relationships.
Priya Parker said in her book, The Art of Gathering,
“The more focused and particular a gathering is, the more narrowly it frames itself and the more passion it arouses.”
It is through finding our people and binding together that our ward will be strengthened.
Now, you are probably thinking that there is nothing wrong with having a group of friends, but if you exclude others from the group, that is when it becomes negative and cliquey.
When I was in a bishopric, many in my ward could have considered all the families in the bishopric as very cliquey.
We would hang out a lot (not just in bishopric meetings), and we grew close.
We even took a combined trip to Disneyland together, renting a home for the week, and had an incredible time.
The reality is, we couldn’t invite everyone in the ward to Disneyland with us.
The accommodations were only so big, and it would have turned into a circus.
Priya Parker also writes,
“I take no pleasure in exclusion, and I often violate my own rule. But thoughtful, considered exclusion is vital to any gathering, because over-inclusion is a symptom of deeper problems—above all, a confusion about why you are gathering and a lack of commitment to your purpose and your guests.”
We shouldn’t strive to dissolve cliques as much as we should work to find those who feel alone, pushed away, or forgotten and make sure they have connection and relationship with others.
Of course, there will be times to gather all the ward together for a chili cook-off or Christmas party to connect generally.
However, we need our posse.
We need a group who get us and connect with us.
We need a group of people we can offer our heart to.
The clique is the secret to ward unity.
