Bob Young is a lifelong member of the Church who has served in a variety of leadership and support callings. He served a full-time mission in Atlanta, Georgia, and graduated from California State University at Long Beach with a degree in Communications. Bob spent more than three decades as a human resources professional and is now happily retired. He is currently serving as a stake emotional resilience facilitator.
Enter Bob…
From my view as a member of my ward elders quorum and father of three wonderful adult children in the LBGTQ+ community, I was deeply impacted by an outstanding conversation in a recent quorum meeting. The comments were given in the spirit of love and were non-judgmental, sometimes vulnerable and raw, and the topic was needed and welcome. Our quorum president’s leadership showed he was aware of the pulse of the quorum (a loved quorum member recently came out on Facebook), was not afraid to invite loving discussion on sensitive topics, and perhaps also knew of recent Church policies relative to the LBGTQ+ community and that could create a discussion point for better understanding. The following is a summary of some of our conclusions and some of my own observations on the subject.
Loving Language
At first, a couple of the brethren referred to their children who no longer attend our church meetings as “wayward” or stated they had “gone astray.” We discussed how referring to them in this manner has a negative connotation and could create hurt feelings if they heard us refer to them in this manner. We concluded using the phrase that they have “chosen a different path” (or something similar) to be a much better choice as it sounds neutral, and I believe it is also more accurate. Father’s plan is one of free agency and accepting that others have a right to choose their own way, yes, even our loved ones, is what we fought for in the war in heaven. I believe all former members or members who are considering a different path (whether or not it stems from their identification as LGBTQ+) would appreciate being viewed in this kinder way as well.
Another question was regarding LGBTQ+ loved ones who ask us to use a different name or pronoun when referring to them. This is a very sensitive subject to many and I only provide some food for thought from one of my children who taught me what I consider to be a very valuable lesson.
A favorite family story of ours is that when I was about 10 years old, I wanted to “graduate” from being called “Bobby” to the more adult sounding (at least to my 10-year-old mind), “Bob.” So after my older brother referred to me as “Bobby”, I replied, “Mike, can I ask you a question?” He agreed and then I said, “Quit calling me Bobby.” After informing me this was not actually a question (at which we still get a chuckle), he has called me “Bob” from that day forward. He did this because he loves me. During a discussion about pronouns several years ago, my child asked me, “Wouldn’t it be unkind for my brother or anyone else to continue to call me “Bobby” after I informed them I didn’t like that name? In the same way, wouldn’t knowingly using a certain pronoun which they did not prefer also be unkind?” I agreed as this made sense to me and I have tried to apply it in my life from that moment forward.
One other loving language item I’d like to share, but which did not come up during the above discussion, is in regard to how we identify those with same sex attraction. Saying someone “has” same sex/gender attraction sounds like it is a disease or something negative. A better way might be to say someone “experiences” same gender attraction. However, the best way would be to either notice how they identify themselves or ask them their preferred identity (it could be “gay” or “queer” or “bi” or some other term).
Connection over Correction
Much of our discussion centered on what we should do if those we love chose a different spiritual path as they explore their life in the LGBTQ+ community. The overwhelming response was to continue to accept their right to choose their own path and express love and show our love to them.
“This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
Below are some of the lessons learned and/or counsel given on loving and accepting our family members.
Connecting with them as a loved family member is a top priority and doing anything to try to “correct” them (as it relates to how they identify) will, in most cases, damage our relationship with them. Besides, they already know what the Church teaches on the subject and now is most likely not the time to try to make up for a missed family home evening lesson or preach to them about the subject.
A question was asked about whether or not accepting them for who they are would be indirectly condoning their behavior. We concluded it is not. We accept and love because they are our child and because they are a child of God, loved by Him. Discussions regarding their behavior as it relates to how they identify may be appropriate especially if they are not yet adults. However, it would be wise to prayerfully seek the inspiration of the Holy Ghost before doing so. In addition, we should also consider seeking assistance from a mental health professional to help them (and us as parents) navigate this new journey, especially if a child is experiencing distress from their feelings or identity.
It was noted that sometimes our love and acceptance is not readily believed by our LGBTQ+ family member. It is important to remember that they may have been complying with our religion for quite some time knowing they experience same sex attraction or are different in another way. This may have made them believe we love the person they were pretending to be, not their true self. If this dynamic is present, any sort of attempted “correction” on our part may reinforce their mistrust of our love and acceptance. The path to overcome this includes lots of patience and consistent loving acts and verbal expressions of our love.
Listen – Learn – & Love
I want to share an excellent way to demonstrate our love and acceptance to our child. However, I want to share that I learned this the hard way and I hurt my relationship with my child by not doing this much, much sooner. The idea is to ask our child to describe their journey to us without any judgment, correction, defensiveness or preaching from us. Using active listening skills during this conversation would be most helpful (such as asking follow up questions like, “What did that look like,” “How did that make you feel?” and “How did I contribute to those hurt feelings?”).
It might be hard to not offer our dissenting opinions or to preach about our view of God’s law on the subject, but to foster the feelings of love and acceptance, it is highly recommended we refrain. I did not do this right away after one of my children “came out,” and in fact I didn’t ask any questions at all to them about their feelings, journey, etc. Because I didn’t, my child withheld information about dating a same-sex partner. They believed I either did not want to know or that I might say something derogatory about their loving relationship. Though I wouldn’t have, there was no way for my child to know this due to my complete lack of demonstrating interest in them or their journey. It took courage to share what was happening in their life and my silence clearly communicated a message that I didn’t really care, even though I did care. This was my fault and it’s my hope that by sharing this mistake it can benefit others in similar situations.
One quorum member mentioned his son chose another path and he used to pray about what he could do to help his son return to the covenant path. He felt guilt for the mistakes he had made and felt a tremendous responsibility to “fix” the situation. This brother stated it occurred to him one day that his son was Heavenly Father’s son long before he was his son, which resulted in him trusting Father more fully. He stated his prayers changed from “What should I do” to prayers of “I trust You; what can I do to help You with Your plan for Your son.” He shared that it lifted a great weight from his shoulders.
The Plan of Salvation
It was also discussed that we, as members, sometimes don’t fully understand and/or trust our own understanding of the plan of salvation. It was shared that we have the most liberal view of heaven among most, if not all, religions. We believe only a select few will go to outer darkness and the rest will receive a glory from Father that is beyond our current comprehension. When a loved one chooses a different path, our own belief is that regardless of what happens, they will receive blessings and glories from God based on how they live their life. I believe that if we fully accept this, there will be less heartache in Zion when loved ones choose a different path than the one we are on. Many people outside of our religion lead wonderful, good, moral lives and they will be rewarded in the afterlife in accordance with Father’s plan of happiness.
Incorporating Similar Conversations
This topic is a reality, not merely an ideology. Elder D. Todd Christofferson stated:
“The diversity we find now in the Church may be just the beginning. Frankly, I think we will see greater and greater diversity. … [T]he fact that people can bring different gifts and perspectives and the wide range of variance and backgrounds and challenges that people face will show us what really is essential in the gospel of Christ.”
He also stated that when someone shares LGBTQ+ feelings, “One thing that is always important is to recognize the feelings of a person, that they are real. That they are authentic….”
There are almost certainly members of all our wards who either experience or have loved ones who experience same gender attraction, a desire to present or dress as a different gender, or experience gender dysphoria. Discussions like the one we had as directed by our elders quorum president can be very helpful and educational for ward members as well as helping ease any discomfort that some may have about even acknowledging the topic.
May I invite you to discuss having a similar discussion as a presidency or a ward council and see what the Spirit prompts you to do? I hope this narrative has been helpful in provoking thoughts of what you can do in your ward. Additionally, if you have had similar tender conversations in your quorum or classes, feel free to share them in the comments.
