Spencer Stevens recently served as Sunday School President and cherished the opportunity to teach truth. In his spare time, he enjoys volunteering, playing the piano, and spending time with his friends. Professionally, he is a mental health coach who helps transform negative emotions of inadequacy, shame, loneliness, and more into increased self-compassion, connection, and emotional stability. Learn more about Spencer’s coaching here.
Enter Spencer…
Being a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints offers many opportunities to feel the love of the Savior for others. Leaders enjoy the privilege of blessing Heavenly Father’s children through hours of preparation, teaching, ministering, and more.
However, all this giving can lead to a downside. Members in these callings can give to the point of it being detrimental. In some cases, they do the opposite and stop magnifying their callings. The answer is not to shame, guilt-trip, or quote scripture to them.
The answer is boundaries, as exemplified and taught by Christ Himself.
Boundaries Honor Our Agency
Boundaries are the wise actions I choose in response to children of God and my surroundings, to keep good in and bad out. The underlying reason for boundaries is to honor the limits of my agency by showing I am separate from others. However, another equally important reason for them is to remember that I am connected to others by covenant. In righteousness, I bear others’ burdens and rejoice with them too.
However, some may protest because they feel boundaries are not Christlike. That is a valid concern and perspective to have. So let’s look a little further.
Love My Neighbor As Myself
To explain boundaries on the foundation of the word of God, it is necessary to start from the basics. Because I was purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ and redeemed from the demands of justice (1 Cor. 6:19-20, 2nd Pet. 1:18-20). He requires that I obey His commandments within our covenant relationship. One of those commandments is that I love my neighbor as myself – not less than myself or more than myself. (Matt. 22:36-40)
Also, it is vital to note that Jesus said that all the other commandments hang, or depend on (according to other Bible translations) these two great commandments. Why is that? It is because God is love, and for my leadership to transform me into more of who He is, my heart must align with His nature of perfect love (1 John 4:16, 1 Cor. 16:14)
I invite myself to experience unnecessary suffering when I choose not to obey the Lord’s second great commandment – “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Mark 12:29-31, Mosiah 2:32-33).
This is because choosing to endlessly serve and neglect personal needs violates this second great commandment just as much as choosing not to serve the Lord at all. Why? Because in doing so, I treat myself as less important than others instead of equal to them. This pushes me out of alignment with the love of God by pridefully elevating another above myself.
The Impact of Pride
As President Eztra Taft Benson once taught:
“Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up.”
Speaking from personal experience, when I have served and led in pride from the bottom looking up, I am almost always giving to get something back – a feeling of self-worth, to see change in my ward, feel virtuous, or gain so-called personal righteousness.
To explore this truth a bit further, a quick look at the original Greek word for “as” in the above verses found in Mark will show it means, “in the same way”. I believe this is why Jesus also taught that whatever I desire others to do unto me, I should do unto them (Matt. 7:12). The Golden Rule teaches I should love my neighbor as myself, by contrasting it with doing opposite actions in the preceding verses.
So, the first step in Christlike boundary setting and enforcement is remembering that charity “seeketh not her own”. When I love as the Savior does, I do it without expecting anything back, while also regarding myself as an equal (1 Cor. 13:5, Luke 6:35).
The key point here is that I also have limitations to bear in mind when bearing another’s burdens. Though I may wish to help someone, mere desire alone does not always give me the strength to do so. The same can hold true for spiritual practices such as fasting and prayer, though these actions sometimes can give me that strength beyond my own. In my experience, such extra strengthening occurs when the Lord deems it necessary – not when I want to keep serving beyond my current capacity (D&C 88:5, James 4:3)
Agency vs. Freedom
The second step is knowing my limitations, since my freedom is limited. This is because “men are free according to the flesh” (2 Nephi 2:27). In other words, I can only use my agency to lead and serve according to the limitations of my body. Furthermore, it is crucial to remember that freedom is not the same as agency. Meaning, effective leadership isn’t as simple as using agency to serve others more. Sometimes, having more faith equals stepping into some humility by choosing to acknowledge my freedom is limited. This looks like slowing down or stopping, and thereby showing love to myself as an equal.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks once distinguished agency and freedom, saying:
“When I say agency, I refer to an exercise of the will, a power to choose. When I say freedom, I mean the power and privilege to carry out our choices.”
Boundaries, then, cannot be based on what someone else does. Again, they are how I honor the limitations of my agency in response to children of God and my surroundings. In their genuine form, boundaries do not require any action from anyone or anything else. This is because everyone can act and not be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:26, Hel. 14:30).
Magnifying Our Calling
The third step, in that vein of thought, is recalling the difficulties of my calling. That shouldn’t be hard to do. The Lord has revealed my responsibilities, but how I magnify my calling is a matter left to studying, prayer, meditation, and most importantly, the direction of the Holy Ghost. In that process, there will inevitably be hard choices about who does what, which priorities need to come first, and how to handle less-than-kind members.
So, here is why church leaders need to set and enforce healthy boundaries: Because I am commanded to love others as myself, and my agency only applies to me, I am presented with a huge difficulty. If I try to “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness”, then the heavens withdraw and the Spirit is grieved (D&C 121:37).
Therefore, if I wish to be an effective leader, I cannot force others to help me or treat me the way they have covenanted to do. I can only manage my time, energy, use of my talents, and so on. The Lord provided a covenant relationship with Him for this purpose – that I would be bound to Him by His priesthood authority and power. As a result, not even setting and enforcing boundaries is impossible for me as I strive, from a place of love, to live worthy of our covenant relationship. (Luke 1:37, 1 Cor. 16:14).
How Jesus Set and Enforced Boundaries
The fourth and final step is noticing and following the example of Christ in setting and enforcing boundaries, which applies to all aspects of life – not just church leadership (3 Nephi 27:27). So, how does one set a boundary and enforce it, following Jesus’ example in scripture?
- Jesus Set Boundaries with His Time and Energy – After healing many people, Jesus withdrew early in the morning to pray in solitude. (Mark 1:35-38) When we take time to have some solitude and time to process, we are then able to identify the emotions and physical sensations happening in the present moment. For example: anger, anxiety, tiredness, sadness, or other unpleasant emotions. Bodily sensations may look like headaches, stomach problems, sweaty palms, etc. It’s important to notice these emotions and sensations and seek to use boundaries to help us manage them.
- Jesus Took Time for Rest & Rejuvenation – After a period of intense ministry, Jesus told His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” He prioritized rest, modeling self-care even amidst great need. (Mark 6:31) Thus, we should choose a quiet, private space, and contemplate which personal needs aren’t being met. Do we need more help? Less supervision? Time to recharge? Improved communication?
- Jesus Asked for Emotional & Spiritual Support – Jesus demonstrated humility by asking for help and support from others. One of the clearest examples is in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion: Then Jesus went with His disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and He said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with Him, and He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then He said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with Me.” (Matt. 26:36-38) In this moment of deep distress, Jesus did not isolate Himself—He invited His closest disciples to be near Him, expressing His sorrow and asking them to stay awake and support Him in prayer. In turn, we can ask a person, organization, etc. to directly meet our needs.
This is a direct and kind approach that sounds like:
- “I want __, please.” It does not hint for help.
For example, it does not sound like this:
- “If you want to, then __.”
If this approach has not been successful, then it is time to set and enforce a boundary.
Set a boundary and determine how you’ll enforce it, meaning how you will make sure the boundary happens.
Remember, a boundary takes the following format: I will or will not __ (chosen action) in response to __ (person and/or surroundings). It requires absolutely no effort from anyone or anything else. Enforcing a boundary looks like:
- Increasing physical space,
- Choosing to be silent,
- Delaying a return text or phone call, etc.
A boundary does not have to be verbally communicated, but it may help eliminate confusion or hurt feelings. Either way, the best move is to trust the Spirit and act in a way that seems effective and wise.
Here’s a personal example of following the above process, during my first time in a calling that required me to attend ward council:
- I noticed that I was feeling anxious and angry, because I received very little time to discuss my concerns as the Sunday School President.
- My needs not being met included: Respect, validation, and being heard by the council.
- Initially, I made a request a few times to have the time I needed for discussion.
- Then, I set a boundary with myself that, instead of being silent, I would redirect the conversation back to Sunday School needs. I did so, and it helped solve the problem.
Setting and enforcing boundaries is challenging and brings up different emotions. For some, it is fears of rejection and abandonment. Others may experience anger or shame since they didn’t set and enforce boundaries sooner. That is normal.
When someone feels unpleasant emotions and bodily sensations, it isn’t because of sin. Rather, they are choosing to love themselves at an equal level to others. Christ set the perfect example by doing this. When allowing this experience to be unpleasant, the key is to be kind to oneself. I also recommend picking a favorite activity to do after setting or enforcing boundaries. This teaches the brain that it is desirable and good to fulfill emotional, social, physical, and spiritual needs. It also makes the action easier over time.
Tips for Success
- Start small and go slow, such as saying “No” to a person who you love and trust, or a stranger you do not know at church.
- Keep in mind that imperfect progress still counts. If mistakes happen, keep going.
- If a church member pushes back somehow, keep repeating the boundary in different ways. Exit the situation or find a way to create some space.
- Write out or mentally rehearse a plan of what to say beforehand. Do not try to think of everything they will say, but trust the Spirit after sitting in a quiet place for a while.
I know that Christ is pleased with my efforts to learn and implement His wisdom, because doing so makes me a more effective servant for His eternal purposes. I get to take care of myself and lovingly serve God’s children, too. How beautiful is that? And, what a relief.
In order to fully live temple covenants, particularly obedience and sacrifice, it is imperative to lead effectively in the Savior’s way. This is achievable by clearly defining personal needs and limits, which will allow us to lead and love other Latter-day Saints as ourselves.
Then, we will all be empowered to obey the two great commandments – to love the Lord our God with all our might, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves.
