Beckie Hennessy was born and raised in West Valley City, Utah where she currently resides with her husband of 14 years and their 3 children. Beckie has been a therapist since 2007 and currently owns BRICKS Family Counseling, Inc. She is one of the professional therapists on the Advisory Board for Leading Saints and has recently started a podcast called The Path of Imperfection. She has written a book called Ministering Through Connection. Her best days are spent with her family as they watch movies together, blow bubbles in their chocolate milk and laugh until tears come. She loves to read, is a Pinterest addict and enjoys taking naps when she’s able.
Enter Beckie…
I’m bummed that I didn’t get to live in a time where folks shared phone lines. Maybe it’s just the therapist in me but I’ve thought that would be awesome! To listen in on conversations is quite fascinating to me and the primary reason why when my husband and I go to dinner, I get to face the wall while he sits across from me facing the restaurant so that I can stay focused on him and not side bust into everyone else’s lives (#TheHardsOfBeingMarriedToTheTherapist).
I’m going to give you that chance right now. I’m going to give you a peek into a conversation I have pretty consistently. They go something like this.
Bishop: Hello?
Me: Hi there, my name is Beckie Hennessy. I’m a therapist currently working with Ward Member. They’ve signed a release for me to touch base with you about their therapy. Is now an ok time to talk?
Bishop: Sure. Let me just get into a place where we can talk privately. Ok. Go ahead.
Me: Great. It sounds like there has been some betrayal within the marriage/relationship.
We then talk about the situation, the treatment goals and how I’ll help Ward Member accomplish those goals. Typically (not every time but enough times to use the word ‘typically’), the conversation then goes as follows.
Bishop: So Beckie, let me ask you this. How can I help Ward Member forgive and forget? How can I help them understand the Atonement and that it covers this for their spouse and that they need to forgive in order for the marriage to survive?
and/or…
Does Ward Member really need therapy too? I’m already covering the costs for Spouse and Spouse goes every week? I think forgiveness is what needs to happen, not therapy.
PAUSE. This isn’t EVERY bishop. This is some bishops. Truth? This is a lot of bishops. It’s not because bishops don’t want to understand, don’t want to help, don’t care or because they intend to hurt. Bishops don’t know what they don’t know. So, here are some things to consider.
These are in no particular order, except for this first one. The first one is always first.
Establish Safety
Not every person who betrays is abusive and not everyone who is being betrayed is abused but abuse happens in these spaces so you need to ask. Chances are if abuse is happening, you’d never know or guess that it is. Ask both parties about safety and ask them separately. Then protect.
Recognize That This Is Not the Betrayed’s Fault
Of course, it isn’t, Beckie!! Who would think that or say that? Bishops do. Again, not EVERY bishop but enough that I want to make sure to put it here. The betrayal is NEVER the betrayed’s fault. EVER. NOTHING they did or didn’t do MADE their spouse betray.
Could they contribute to whatever marital issues are present? Yes. We all have a part in the unhelpful patterns that show up in our marriages.
Betrayal is a choice. Whatever Ward Member is doing or not doing may explain why there is disconnect but it does not excuse the spouse’s behavior. No one is forced to betray. Even if the betrayed is emotionally or physically unavailable.
There are countless spouses who have partners that are emotionally and/or physically unavailable and decide to never betray. At any point, the spouse could say something and encourage change.
Giving the betrayed suggestions about what they can do differently to prevent or eliminate the betrayal is bonkers. It’s like telling someone they shouldn’t have a car if they don’t want it to get stolen. The betrayal is not the Ward Member’s fault. It happened because the spouse chose to betray. Point blank.
Personally Reach out to the Betrayed
I know. This is asking a lot given a bishop’s schedule and all of the things a bishop is balancing. It will go a very long way. Their world has just been turned upside down. Everything they know to be true and real isn’t anymore. When the bishop personally reaching out, it gives the opportunity to get a feel for where the betrayed is at and gives them the opportunity to see the bishop notice their hurt in all of this.
Ask to Visit with Just the Betrayed
This gives them the chance to say whatever they need to say without the betrayer present as well as gives them the chance to feel supported. If they decline the visit, empathize and then ask if they’d rather meet one on one with the Relief Society President (if the betrayed is a woman) or the Elders Quorum President (if the betrayed is a man).
Do not take the spouses word for how Ward Member is doing because:
- Their perception may not be accurate
- Ward Member may not yet be comfortable in speaking their truth about how they really are with the spouse and/or
- The spouse may lie to you about how Ward Member is doing.
Give Empathy and Compassion
Empathy is recognizing others’ perspectives as their truth, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotion in the other person and communicating that emotion. “It’s feeling with people.” It’s recognizing that their entire world has been shattered and that they don’t even know which way is up. Giving them the silver lining to the cloud with an “at least” statement or moving right to what they need to do to stop feeling the pain isn’t empathy.
Compassion is what we do to help alleviate another’s suffering. It’s asking them what they need. It’s offering for them to go see a professional when appropriate. It’s about comforting them and letting them know that it is ok to feel what they feel. Giving them the silver lining to the cloud with an “at least” statement or moving right to what they need to do to stop feeling the pain isn’t compassion.
Recognize That Betrayal Is Trauma
Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being. People who have undergone betrayal trauma have this experience where their “ability to integrate and regulate on all levels (emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually)” becomes overwhelming and difficult. The trauma that comes from betrayal is a full body, heart, mind and soul experience. To say that their world has been rocked is an understatement.
Recognize That with Betrayal Comes Grief
Grief is the deep physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain that comes with loss. Grief is more than sad. It’s more than depressed. Grief is deep and dark and really hard. Ward Member has lost everything when betrayal occurs. Everything they’ve known, everything they’ve believed, everything they’ve experienced and everything they have hoped to experience. Their spouse is not who they knew, their marriage is not what they knew, memories are not what they knew. Grief is like uncontained soup because the container the soup was in is no longer.
Help That Promotes Posttraumatic Growth Versus Victimhood
For many years, victims have been bullied, shamed and blamed, which worsens the effects of their experience. Unfortunately, in a swing to the opposite side, victimhood has now become a protected class in our society, a trend fed by well-intended, but potentially harmful, therapists, activists, and daytime talk shows. Don’t get me wrong, trauma has occurred and in some instances, abuse has occurred. The label of “victim” is not helpful however because “the traumatic story is not where [they’ll] find [their] true voice.” (Adam Moore; “Beyond Trauma: Reclaim Your Life and Live It Like a Boss”)
Posttraumatic Growth is finding meaning in suffering. This is not about them finding the “lesson” they were supposed to learn. It’s finding meaning in the situation and circumstance they didn’t choose to be in. It’s showing up the same way Obi-Wan Kenobi did when he said, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
The Deepest Hurts Are Often Caused by the Dishonesty
If there is any behavior that needs to be focused on, make sure to focus on the dishonesty and secrecy that is present when someone has betrayed.
The details of what they did, how often, for how long and with whom is not the biggest deal. It’s important so that triggers can be identified and past patterns can be looked at but what the spouse needs to understand is that the dishonesty is where the betrayal happened. Just because they stop doing what they were doing doesn’t mean the hurt of the lies that have already happened go away. Nor does it mean that Ward Member will automatically trust them.
I get the opportunity to work with a lot of bishops. It’s an honor really. To hear the love, the sincere concern, the willingness that bishops have to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, to mourn with those who mourn, to bear the burden is humbling for me.
These things may already be in practice. Good. This article helps you know you’re on the right track. If they aren’t don’t judge your “then self” with your “now knowledge”. Let us take the opportunity to ask Father “Lord, is it I?”
If he says it is, listen to what He needs to be done differently and then “obey with exactness.”
What did I miss? What can you add? Comment below to get the conversation started.
I particularly like the comment about dishonesty. I seem to have dealt with the betrayal pretty good and have an awesome bishop that has been supportive of both me and my husband. But when I allow myself to think about everything it’s the dishonesty that still hurts and is still there no matter how deep I have buried it. It’s been almost 9 months and if I am in a counseling class with others this hurt seems to surface. I think each time it surfaces I learn to deal with it a little better. Thank you for sharing, this has really helped me as a relief society president to understand others and how to help them as well as myself.
I am a therapist also and experience Bishops struggling a lot with knowing how to empathize! Clients often get hurt when they are counseled to just get over their hurt and forgive. It helps much more when a bishop sits with the client in their pain and hurt from betrayal. Minimizing the hurt and focusing on the silver lining is not helpful. My clients do much better forgiving and moving on once they have been aloud to talk about and voice their pain and anger first! If leaders can understand this process better and not be afraid to accept and support members when they have negative emotions, leaders would have more success supporting members in their journey to peace.
This is something I have lived through as the “ward member” and it’s 100% accurate. Luckily I had an understanding bishop who didn’t question the need for counseling. The dishonesty is THE most difficult violation to deal with a grieve through. The need to remain independent and not rely on others cane from that break of trust and carried into my second marriage. Empathy is so important when helping broken spirits, whether as the sinner or the sinned against. Therapy should be sought out by each individual. Thanks for this article! I hope many leaders read it and look for areas in which they can change.
I feel this suggestions also apply to wives whose husband’s view pornography. Maybe it is so “common” now the wife is looked over? She can still feel that trauma and betrayal as well – especially if she didn’t know about it before or for years into the marriage. Bishops would do well to talk to the wife and empathize. Don’t tell them their husband is a “great guy”. That is so unhelpful for her to be able to move on. He may be a great guy but he has hurt her deeply. There are Church sponsored support groups for spouses now and this may be something the bishop could lead the wife towards.
My husband’s addiction includes pornography, but was/is more focused on alcohol.
My husband and I were married 16 years ago. We attended the same Singles Ward at the time of our engagement. Our Bishop knew that my husband had problems with alcohol, I had no idea……the Bishop and my husband were actively working through the repentance process the entire 6 months that we were engaged. Together, my husband and I met with the Bishop every other week to make sure we were preparing for and staying worthy to enter the temple.
BOTH of them, for 6 months, sat across from me and failed to mentioned my husbands addiction!
The Bishop signed off on the repentance process, gave my husband a temple recommend and allowed me to be sealed to this man, knowing full well that he had an addiction that I was not aware of.
This is something that I only recently learned.
The addiction has been extremely difficult.
The dishonesty from my husband has been even more difficult…….
The blatant deception by my priesthood leader has been devastating to my testimony.
I totally empathize with your hurt and betrayal by both your husband and bishop. I hope as addictions are talked about more openly this will not be the situation for other women. There is no place for “secrets” in a marriage. Bishops have to keep confidences but as part of the repentance process they also encourage those struggling to share that with their fiance or spouse. Do you know if this happened in your case? The bishop encouraged but your husband didn’t act? Did you husband tell him he had talked to you? This article will hopefully help bishops follow through with spouses as well.
Jill,
I agree that there is no place for secrets in a marriage.
I understand that Bishops have to keep confidences, but I also understand that a Bishop is the one who “signs off” on worthiness in the repentance process and signing temple recommends. I don’t believe that he encouraged my husband to do so, but even if he did, I don’t believe that encouraging him to tell me is enough. If a Bishop is going to sign off on worthiness, he needs to make sure that a spouse is aware of this level of transgression. A spouse not being aware is completely dishonest. I specifically remember at one point a few days before our wedding the Bishop asking me what I knew about my husband’s past. At the time I didn’t really think much about it, but looking back, his line of questioning during that private conversation was his attempt to see if I knew. He clearly knew from that conversation that I was not aware of the addiction.
A bishop does not have to break confidence to make sure this happens. It should sound something like this:
Bishop: “Husband, I do not feel comfortable giving you a temple recommend until I know that your soon-to-be wife is aware of this situation. After you have spoken with her, I would like to talk with her as well and then talk with both of you together. Until then, I will not be signing your temple recommend.”
Both my husband and Bishop took away my agency to not enter into a toxic marriage by not giving me full disclosure.
Thankfully, My marriage is in a much better place now for which I am grateful. My trust in Priesthood Leaders has steadily declined as I have interacted with them involving this topic. Finding out about the above situation devastated that already strained trust.
Anonymous- I totally agree with you! It would definitely been a doable conversation for the bishop to have with you and your husband before you were married and heartbreaking that he didn’t. I remember a talk show host saying how wives have to have known about their husband’s addictions and I myself went back to look for signs and indicators but saw none. Why would we? We thought the best of our future spouses and now husbands and had not reason not to – especially when it is a temple marriage. I’m glad to hear your marriage is at a better place now despite the lack of honesty and disclosure in the beginning.