Bob Young is a lifelong member of the Church who has served in a variety of leadership and support callings. He served a full-time mission in Atlanta, Georgia, and graduated from California State University at Long Beach with a degree in Communications. Bob spent more than three decades as a human resources professional and is now happily retired. He is currently serving as a stake emotional resilience facilitator.
Enter Bob…
What do we do when we are a counselor in a bishopric or presidency, and the bishop or president (hereafter “leader”) makes a statement or takes an action with which we disagree? Or perhaps the leader’s comment prompts us to wonder, “Do I truly have a voice in this presidency?” This could stem from a “joking” comment that feels laced with truth, a remark that seems judgmental, or an instance where we voiced an opposing opinion but felt dismissed without meaningful discussion.
Counselors in Church presidencies wear many hats in their relationship with the leader:
- Friend,
- Fellow disciple of Christ,
- Advisor,
- and counselor.
This dynamic can make effective communication layered and complex. As one friend explained, it can be very difficult to take off your “friend” hat and put on your “counselor” hat with a leader. On a day-to-day basis, exchanges may occur on a level playing field. But in a church setting, you must balance advising the leader and then sustaining them once a decision is made.
Many of us are fortunate to serve in presidencies where such challenges are minimal. However, even in ideal presidencies, discussing if, when, and how a counselor should speak up can strengthen the presidency and the individuals within it.
The Benefits of Effectively Speaking Up
Speaking up as a counselor is not just about addressing concerns; it can have significant benefits for both the leader and the counselor:
1. Strengthening Relationships – Honest communication fosters trust and respect, as outlined by President Gordon B. Hinckley: “In presidency meetings, each counselor is free to speak his [or her] mind… Theirs must be a compatible relationship. [The leader] must have absolute confidence in them.” Open dialogue deepens mutual understanding and promotes a spirit of unity.
2. Providing Diverse Perspectives – Counselors enrich decision-making by offering different viewpoints. This diversity helps leaders make well-rounded decisions that better serve the ward or stake.
3. Fulfilling the Role of Counselor – The handbook of instruction emphasizes the counselor’s duty to assist leaders in “fulfilling (God’s) work of salvation and exaltation.” Speaking up ensures leaders have the full benefit of their counselors’ insights.
4. Preventing Misunderstandings – Addressing concerns privately and constructively reduces the risk of misunderstandings or offense. This protects relationships and promotes a positive ward or stake culture.
5. Personal Growth – Effectively expressing concerns strengthens interpersonal and leadership skills. It teaches counselors to approach sensitive situations with empathy, patience, and humility.
Common Scenarios and Challenges
Sometimes “joking” comments reveal underlying feelings. Take these actual examples:
- A bishop joked from the pulpit about a family’s tardiness to Sacrament Meeting.
- A bishop jokingly remarked about a counselor’s commitment to his calling when they prioritized attending a family commitment over a ward activity.
In such cases, others may wonder if the joke reflects the bishop’s true feelings. This can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or a sense of disconnection. Counselors are in a unique position to address such concerns and promote clarity.
Feeling Unheard in a Presidency
A counselor may feel dismissed when their concerns are not fully considered. For example:
- A leader moves forward with decisions without discussing a counselor’s different perspective.
- A counselor feels their input is consistently unheard or overlooked, leading to frustration or feelings of disconnection.
In these instances, counselors must navigate how to communicate their feelings while sustaining the leader.
Suggestions for Speaking Up Effectively
1. Counsel in Private – Discuss concerns privately to reduce defensiveness and create a safe space for open dialogue.
2. Focus on Your Own Feelings – Frame your feedback around how actions made you feel rather than accusing or labeling the leader. Examples:
- “Bishop, when I heard your comment to Brother Doe regarding being late, it made me feel embarrassed for them. If a bishop said that about me over the pulpit, I might not have taken it well. What do you think?”
- “President, when you said I should study the law of consecration after I missed the youth activity for my daughter’s recital, it made me feel like you were questioning my commitment to my calling even though it sounded like a joke. Do we need to discuss this further?”
- “President, when I brought up a concern about the number of youth activities we have planned next month, and you said we are doing it anyway without any discussion about why I had some apprehension, it made me feel unheard and frustrated. I believe that part of my assignment as your counselor is to help you see different perspectives before a final decision is made. Do you see my role as your counselor differently?”
3. Identify Your Perspective – Clearly articulate your role as a counselor, especially when transitioning from casual interactions to leadership discussions. Examples:
- “Bishop, I’m taking off my friend hat and putting on my counselor hat. I think we should handle this activity differently because…”
- “President, I like the ward activity we have planned, but as a single brother, I have a concern about whether or not our singles will feel connected…”
4. Pray for Guidance – Consult with the Lord and listen to the Holy Spirit before addressing concerns. This invites divine direction and strengthens your approach.
Conclusion
By thoughtfully and respectfully speaking up, counselors fulfill their sacred responsibility to provide counsel while sustaining their leaders. This strengthens presidencies, promotes unity, and contributes to the effectiveness of the Lord’s work. As President Hinckley taught, “A counselor is a partner… with whom we can talk with confidence and trust.” May we, as counselors, embrace this opportunity to serve, counsel, and sustain with faith and humility.
