Lisa Sudbury grew up in Utah and currently lives in Pennsylvania. She served a mission in New Jersey and has served in a variety of callings in all the organizations women work in. She has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a behavioral health first responder. She’s in a mixed-belief family and was a moderator for an online mixed-faith marriage support group for six years.
Enter Lisa…
One way we could help church feel applicable to anyone who comes, is through the use of better questions and sharing underlying Christlike principles.
Using Questions That Make It Personal
We’ve likely all had a teacher ask a question and they wanted a very specific (and very subjective) answer. Have you ever gotten one of those questions “wrong?” A question like this can shut down discussion.
Other, more personal questions, can turn us inward and promote personal revelation. They can transform a boring talk or lesson into a meaningful one.
An easy way to create these questions is to turn a topic into a question for people to ponder. For example, the topic “How scripture study can help us find peace,” could be turned into “How has scripture study helped me find peace?” Then, “What ways can I find more peace in my scripture study?”
In order to make it work for people in all walks of belief, you could ask, “What things bring me peace? What can I do to bring more peace into my life?” Asking people to consider the topic in this way, makes it personal.
Quite frankly, it makes it less bossy. Asking someone what they feel, allows them to have their own personal revelation, instead of prescribing ours to them.
We can also share what is personal to us too. Doing so, we can really bear testimony of something that has blessed our life.
Consider the difference between these phrases:
- “You will have more peace in your life if you study scriptures as a family every day.”
- “I have found more peace in my life as we study scriptures as a family each day.”
You could add questions to ponder:
- “Would changing my scripture study bring me, or my family, more peace?” “
- “What could I do to have more peace in my life?”
You could even add the traditional invitation, “I invite you to think of what you can do to have more peace in your life through scripture study.”
Here are questions to ponder:
- How can I use open-ended questions to promote personal revelation and growth in my class or leadership setting?
- How can I phrase things to create a space that feels safe to share things, even if someone feels differently than me?
- What do I feel inspired to change?
Information Begets Inspiration
Have you ever had someone give you advice when they didn’t really know your situation? It can be really obnoxious and unhelpful when they get it wrong.
I had a wise senior sister companion on my mission, Judith McNally. She taught me to share how we were really doing with our leaders. She said,
“Inspiration is 95% information.”
While we could speculate on different percentages, we all might agree that information definitely can guide our inspiration.
A scenario I have heard shared countless times from those who question is that a person sent them a conference talk without personal context. Or a leader gives advice or criticism without getting any information. The sharer has never asked anything about what the person is questioning or why they no longer believe. The result is repeatedly the same. The questioner feels more disconnected from their person and from the institution.
I remember asking a friend who was not attending church, “Why?” She was surprised. She said I was the first person in her life to ever ask her. (Her mom had been sending her talks for months without context.) This friend talked to me about her specific concerns and questions.
Once I knew those, I was able to ask her if a specific thing would be helpful. She then let me know what would help her.
When we share something that has helped us personally, it will likely come across differently than just sharing things we think can ‘fix’ them.
If we start with asking questions and really listening to someone, we might feel inspired to share something. At that point, using the phrase “For me…” can be helpful. “Thank you for sharing. For me, I….”
One simple way to find out what support someone needs is by simply asking, “What could I do to best support you right now?” They might ask you to pray for them, just to listen without judging, or something else. It might even be, “Send me conference talks you find inspiring.”
Several years ago, when I found myself—unexpectedly—in a mixed-belief marriage, I remember trying to commune with Heavenly Father. The scripture came to my mind about gifts of the spirit. “To some it is given… to know… to others is given to believe on their words…to others is given…”* I had always seen the first part as a dichotomy of belief options. Either we know, or believe. In this moment, I realized that my spouse didn’t have either of those anymore, but he had other good gifts. We all have gifts that can “profit every member.”
Avoiding “Leadership Roulette”
The stories of how leaders respond to someone who expresses a crisis of faith are not uniform. Some are loved and supported. Some are immediately released from callings and feel ostracized. Spouses of these members also experience a variety of leadership responses. I told my current bishop I lucked out on “Leadership Roulette”. He asked me what he did or understood that was helpful, and what I wished he understood. I created a list that could help leaders lead in these situations.
- Ask questions. Get curious. Lovingly Listen. Maybe someone changed expected behaviors due to a crisis of faith, not trying to shirk responsibilities. My bishop asks me how I feel about my tithe paying before he gives advice. This allows me to share my personal revelations and questions.
- Read the book Bridges: Ministering to Those Who Question, by David B. Ostler. This book dispels some myths on why people leave and has great information to guide interactions with those who question.
- Be careful how you talk about those who leave or question their faith. Using words like “apostate” or “off the path” can alienate people. It can cause difficult feelings between children and their parents too.
- Remember Love. Individuals matter. Whether they believe or obey, or not, each person matters. Approach everything you do with lots of Christlike love.
- There is no one-size-fits-all response.
My bishop doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all response because he knows my family dynamics are not the same as anyone else’s. Mixed-belief families vary around tithing, baptisms, church participation, etc. I have personal revelation for me. He listens and uses his revelation for how to support and help me. (D&C 46:13-14)
“Translating” Church to be Inclusive
Since finding myself in a mixed-faith marriage, I have interacted with countless others who found themselves in a similar situation. One of the things the believers often find is that some church messages don’t directly apply to them anymore. I describe it as having to “translate” messages:
- Lessons on family scripture study,
- Family prayer,
- Paying tithing, can feel less applicable.
The usual “plan” we used to follow may no longer work for our situation. This need to “translate” messages can happen to others too.:
- Single members,
- Young men not planning to serve missions,
- People who come for community but don’t believe,
- Anyone who doesn’t fit the “ideal” church mold.
One simple thing we can do is to speak to different situations.
If a lesson is on family scripture study, spend time talking about individual study in addition to family study. Using questions, such as, “What would work in your specific situation to improve your scripture study?” allows people to access personal revelation.
Hearing about programs can be difficult for some to find meaning in. One friend attended a “Welcome to Young Mens” lesson with her agnostic son. The main focus was on the organization preparing them to serve a mission and invite others to church. It felt un-meaningful to the boy.
What if we talked about the underlying principles of a program first, then about the program? Perhaps the “Welcome to Young Mens” could have started with how the program can help the youth learn to serve, love, connect with others, develop faith, and become more like Jesus Christ. Then have someone share personally what participation in the program had changed in them. Then share it helps prepare young men for missions. This would have given something meaningful to the boy. It would mean to “translating” things to fit in an inclusive way.
Creating an Inclusive Church Experience
Speaking to different situations, asking questions that invite personal revelation, and sharing underlying Christlike principles can help us make church more meaningful for all who attend. Especially those on the margins.
