Jason T. Rogers has been a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for over 30 years. He served a full-time mission in Minnesota and has served in various callings from greeter, primary teacher, and clerk. In 2014-2015 Jason backpacked around the world with the desire to better understand the human experience. He is a visionary dedicated to connecting people and building creative communities. He is the founder of Gateway Gears Marketing and has over a decade of experience in the film industry as a Producer at COMV Productions. Jason’s global adventures and diverse experiences have enriched his understanding of human connections, as detailed in his book, “Social: The Power of Relationships.” He currently lives in Salt Lake County with his wife and two kids.
Enter Jason…
When I was called as the secretary of the elders quorum in my ward, we began discussing ways to help our elders feel more connected. I began considering my own personal experience, I’d mostly just gone through the motions of being an active member for two reasons. First, I was so overwhelmed by my personal circumstances that it was a struggle to pay my bills each month and I didn’t have extra time to devote to my church community. Second, what I did wasn’t really valued; I felt unseen by my fellow brethren.
Thus, I wanted to do more than go through the motions. I wanted to be more involved in my church community. I prayed for an opportunity to help and grow a deeper connection with the other men in my ward.
During that process, I’d recently read a book by Brené Brown, and it opened my eyes to the difference between belonging and fitting in.
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, has extensively explored the topics of belonging, vulnerability, courage, and empathy. In her work, she emphasizes several key principles regarding belonging that have deeply resonated with me and could be useful for leaders of wards and auxillaries.
Fitting In vs. Belonging
According to Brené Brown, “fitting in” is distinctly different from “belonging,” and it’s an important distinction in her work on vulnerability and connection.
Fitting in, as Brown explains, is about assessing a situation and adapting oneself to be accepted. It’s an attempt to mold oneself into an existing framework or set of expectations, often at the expense of one’s authentic self. This approach involves altering or hiding certain aspects of oneself in order to be accepted by a group.
In contrast, belonging, in Brown’s view, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
Belonging is about being accepted for your true self, flaws and all. It’s a more genuine, deep connection that arises from authenticity and vulnerability. Brown emphasizes that true belonging can only happen when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.
Thus, while “fitting in” might bring short-term comfort or superficial connection, it ultimately undermines the deeper sense of belonging and self-acceptance that Brown champions in her work.
Finding Our Personal Balance
Over the years I’ve learned there is a balance I’ve had to make between fitting in and belonging. When I’m learning something new, I need to follow someone else’s advice or do things in a different way than is normal. However, when I know how it’s done, I can make it my own. I’ll change what I’ve learned to give it my own flare.
I’ve also found socializing is done much the same way. I will take time to learn about the people around me and try new activities that I’ve never done before so I can get to know them better but when the moment feels right, I’ll add my own flair to the moment.
Differences Become Strengths
At its core, a true quorum celebrates authenticity, encouraging members to be themselves unapologetically. In this space, differences aren’t just tolerated; they are embraced, fostering a rich tapestry of perspectives. Respect is paramount, not just in listening but in valuing each voice equally. Support transcends mere cooperation, evolving into a network of empathy and understanding. Such a group thrives on the courage of individuals who stand by their values while honoring those of others, creating a harmonious balance between individuality and collective unity.
True acceptance and respect can be a challenge inside a church community because we have religious principles we all strive to follow but we each Interpret those principles differently. This can cause members of the congregation to treat each others differently based on our different interpretations.
Ultimately if we desire to connect and share God’s love then our differences become strengths.
For those who have a desire to grow stronger bonds in their communities here are 8 things that could help.
1. Embrace Authenticity
- Be True to Yourself: Share your genuine thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the group. Don’t hide or alter who you are to fit in.
- Accept Imperfections: Recognize and accept your imperfections. Everyone has them, and they make you unique.
2. Cultivate Courage
- Stand Alone When Necessary: Be willing to stand by your beliefs and values, even if it means being different from the group.
- Face Vulnerability: Understand that being open about your fears, failures, and imperfections is a strength, not a weakness.
3. Build Empathetic Connections
- Practice Empathy: Make an effort to understand and share the feelings of your fellow quorum members. This builds deep, meaningful connections.
- Listen Actively: Show genuine interest in others’ stories and experiences. Validate their feelings and perspectives.
4. Engage in Self-Acceptance
- Belong to Yourself First: Accept who you are fully before seeking acceptance from others. This self-acceptance is the foundation of true belonging.
5. Participate Actively in the Community
- Get Involved: Engage in quorum activities, discussions, and service projects. Active participation fosters a sense of belonging.
- Contribute Your Skills: Offer your unique skills and knowledge to the community. Your contributions are valuable.
6. Practice Gratitude and Joy
- Celebrate Small Wins: Regularly acknowledge and celebrate moments of joy and gratitude within the quorum. This strengthens the sense of community.
- Express Appreciation: Show appreciation for others’ efforts and contributions. This creates a positive and supportive environment.
7. Communicate with Compassion
- Set Boundaries: Establish and communicate your boundaries clearly and compassionately.
- Respect Others’ Boundaries: Honor and respect the boundaries set by your fellow members.
8. Address Shame
- Recognize Shame: Be aware of feelings of shame that may prevent you from being vulnerable and authentic.
- Combat Shame: Counter shame with empathy, self-compassion, and open dialogue.
Conclusion
Now there are a few things our elders quorum plans to do differently in hopes of growing a deeper connection with our fellow brethren. We plan to create a space where we can share our strengths, skills, and talents with other members of our quorum. We plan to learn the visions, goals, and dreams of our brethren so when the right opportunity arises, we can help them achieve their goals and dreams. It’s our hope that in this way we will have a strong group of brothers and sisters that truly love each other the way Christ loves us.
Belonging is about being accepted for who you truly are, while fitting in requires changing yourself to be accepted. By embracing authenticity, cultivating courage, building empathetic connections, and actively participating in your community, you can move from merely fitting in to truly belonging. This journey requires vulnerability and self-acceptance, but the reward is a deep, genuine connection with your elders quorum that enriches both your life and the lives of others.
Let’s commit to creating a space where everyone can belong, not just fit in.
