Jessica K Johnson is a Principal Consultant for The RBL Group—a consulting firm specializing in Leadership, HR and Organization Design. She’s a certified coach and enjoys helping leaders have a greater impact and deliver strong results. Jessica serves in Stake Primary in Springville, Utah. For more of Jessica’s insight, listen to her Leading Saints podcast.
Listening Is Not Just About Hearing—Everyone Wants to Feel Understood
I’ve had a weighty subject on my mind for some time. I prayed and fasted about it, sought guidance as I read my scriptures, and then one day the Spirit suggested I chat with my Bishop. I’ve been a member of my Ward for a few years, and I feel like I have a good relationship with my Bishop—yet, aside from yearly tithing settlement and some short chats about BYU football, we haven’t had many one-on-one conversations.
As we sat down together in his office, he did a powerful thing…he listened. He was curious and asked me questions, then he listened more. He wasn’t hurried, there were no distractions. He just listened. He was interested in my feelings and how this was impacting me. I felt like he showed empathy for what life is like in my shoes, and I felt trusted by my Bishop to “work out [my] own salvation” (Philippians 2:12) with his support. I walked away feeling understood.
Research tells us that though we spend a lot of time hearing, only between 25-50% of that time are we engaged in really listening. Helping others feel understood happens even more infrequently—yet it’s a gift that we all long for.
In a recent Leading Saints podcast with David Ostler, he spoke of a number of interviews he conducted with people who had left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the end of each interview, many said, “Dave, thanks for taking the time to listen to me. No one has ever asked me why I no longer believe.” It surprised him that no one ever asked them why. He concluded, “What was interesting was how important it was for that person to be understood.”
In Church callings, work experiences, and day-to-day interactions I’ve found it helpful to develop better mindfulness around different stages of listening so that we can help people feel understood. Mindful listening takes dedicated, ongoing practice.
I invite each of us to review these stages and be mindful in our conversations this coming week—with individuals or in group settings. In which stage are we listening?
Stage 1 – Inward Listening
While we hear words a person is saying, our focus is on what it means to us personally, or to our Presidency, our family, or the goal we’re trying to accomplish. We may busy our minds formulating a rebuttal, digging for a relatable experience, or crafting a clever question. When our minds are thus occupied, we miss a good portion of what the other person is saying. We absorb the words, but our minds hold them in a trap that quickly recycles them.
There are helpful times to listen in Stage 1—like when your doctor is sharing a diagnosis with you; that situation is 100% about you. Less helpful Stage 1 listening is when we’re teaching a class at Church, chatting with someone we minister to, or conducting a Bishop’s interview. We may be contemplating (or worried about) the next question we’ll ask, or remembering how we experienced a similar situation; instead of listening deeply to the thoughts of the individuals with which we’re interacting.
It can be difficult to extract ourselves from the inner dialogue of Stage 1 listening. Sometimes it helps to repeat the words in our mind of what the speaker is saying so we can block out our internal chatter. Or if a question or comment comes to mind and we start to wordsmith it to sound intelligent or witty when verbalized, instead we can jot down a main idea (maybe one word) and then ask that question if the time is still ripe later on. Seeking to understand our individual roadblocks to deeper listening can help us work on overcoming them.
“He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Proverbs 18:13
If we want to be more effective at helping others feel understood—we need to spend less time in Stage 1 and more time in Stages 2 and 3.
Stage 2 – Concentrated Listening
In Stage 2, we have a sharp focus on the person we’re listening to. The distractions around us are minimized, as well as the chatter that usually goes on in our heads in Stage 1. We’re curious and we ask questions because we don’t assume we know what it’s like to be the other person. We enter every conversation assuming we have something to learn and seek to understand a frame of reference different from our own.
I observed a teacher that did this masterfully well. She had read the lesson material and sought the Sprit as she planned and prepared an outline for her class of teenagers. About half-way into the class, one youth shared a concern over an element of Church doctrine. The teacher could have shared an adequate response borne from her study and moved back to her agenda. Instead, she asked more questions to better understand, didn’t assume she knew the all that was on that individual’s mind and engaged all class members in the discussion. The teacher allowed everyone to feel understood by utilizing strong Stage 2 listening skills.
As we seek to be in Level 2 listening more often, we seek to keep our biases, experiences, and judgments at bay. Deep connections and trust are built when we are able to spend more time in Stage 2.
Stage 3 – Comprehensive Listening
At this stage, we’re not only listening in a focused manner, but we’re also observing with all of our senses—relying on the Spirit. This listening can include actions the person is taking or not taking and interactions they are having with us and the world around them.
Maybe a young man comes to tell you he’s received a job offer for a company with which he’s wanted a job for a very long time. He tells you about many exciting elements of the position, but you sense that his underlying mood or tone doesn’t suggest much personal excitement. You ask why you’re aren’t feeling true excitement from him and he shares with you a family issue that developed overnight and is weighing on his mind. As he opens up you can offer support, listen deeply to his current needs, and feel empathy for him as you share the experience.
The Savior is a perfect example of Stage 3 listening. On the road to Emmaus in Luke 24, as He meets up with two of the apostles, He perceives sadness and asks them about it. He goes on to ask additional questions—allowing the apostles to talk out the powerful events they have just witnessed, share their testimony of Jesus Christ (not knowing they were testifying to Him), and the testimony of the women and other apostles. The Savior listens to their spiritual needs, brings peace to their hearts and shows them love.
As we utilize the Spirit in Stage 3 listening, we become more like Christ. Listening can even be thought of as a form of charity. As we pay close attention to the whisperings of the Spirit, it will help us ask important questions that we wouldn’t have come up with on our own, in turn, we’ll know when being silent is what’s most critical.
Evolving to higher stages of listening takes practice, and it’s a skill I hope we all desire to develop. As we are more mindful of which listening stage we’re in, we can cultivate better habits of listening deeply in Stages 2 & 3. When was the last time you really felt like someone listened and understood you? Listening is a gift I wish we could all wrap up and give more often.
